the boys and a SPECIAL LINK!

“bekah, what are you doing with this one?”

“this what, perfect?”

“this...with this one.” he points to his lips.

“i'm putting on chap stick...”

“ooo, its so pretty” big smile across his face...

the past few days i give them kisses and they wipe them off. i think its their little protest of me leaving them for a week. so i tease them and ask why they scorn my kisses? i must have said scorn more than i realized because on thursday they came to school all declaring they are happy to scorn my kisses before i had a chance to kiss them....hahahha

i can't tell you how many times i heard "no! i don't want your kiss! i'll scorn it!" 

they crack me up.....

can you imagine the dearest little chocolate eyes and big smiles on 2, 3, 4, and 5 year olds all telling you they are scorning your kisses?!?! and then run away giggling glancing back hoping you chase them?!? they will steal your heart, i tell you....

and i’m now over here. its rough, but its better than not being able to upload photos. please do come on over there and follow this adventure! 

www.boosharesnews.wordpress.com

hopefully I won't run into photo limits there. and its rougher than rough, so bear with the lack of focus and chaos! :)

i'm alive!

i am alive!
lest you all were beginning to think there was no more of me left.

i'm alive and kicking.

i am processing through a lot and thoroughly happy with where i am.

i am almost finished with a wordpress site. i NEED to be able to upload photos. and this stinkin blogsite has me finished. i'm over it....

hopefully tomorrow (or tonight even?!?!) we'll have something more concrete, and with LOTS of world cup photos!!

World Cup

World Cup Fever is here.
Hot. and Wild.
I haven't missed a game. That sounds rather pathetic. I just planned my holiday well.

Argentina was one of my favorite games.
The players kissed on the cheek each time they subbed. The coached kissed them too. It was beautiful. Reminded me of living in Buenos Aries and kissing everyone hello and goodbye. That is a culture I loved and felt at home in. I was literally welcomed into their face. Hello. Intimate love and wanting. It was awesome watching that on tv too!

These soccer players classy.

It is loud and noisy here. Wonderful.
The vuvuleza is heard everywhere. Go into town and come home deaf.
I love it.
I soak it up. Sit and talk soccer and watch with my adopted grandparents and dad.
Depending on the day.

The World Cup riles up memories of good friends.
All my closest friends understand this, love it too.
It is the true test of a more global person, verses American.

Americans just can't appreciate soccer like the rest of the world.....

Grateful for a soccer education. So grateful.
My love knows no bounds.

Can't wait to get to some games myself next week. Am dying knowing its going on and I watch from home. Though tomorrow is supposed to be 4 degrees outside, so not sad I am missing those games. BRRRRRRRRRR......

Are you watching? Who do you want to win?!?!

wash him clean

around ten yesterday morning my helper, becca comes to me and says one of the boys had pooped.
all over himself.

...and here i thought i had them all potty trained and was past the days of diapers and wipes and gross.
nope. no such luck.

i was doing activities with the older boys so i asked bec to take care of it. within a few moments she said she was gonna throw up and couldn't.

i left the boys, let her take over and went to see the mess myself.
boys don't do anything half hearted. i've learned that. it doesn't matter what they are doing, they go big. every single time.

this was no exception.
poor pedrence. he was coated.

i put on gloves and began to clean.

within ten minutes of very very little progress i realized more was needed.

we took a little walk. his cute naked body following behind me as we walked to a house.
i used to hate cleaning up their messes. sometimes i still do. but yesterday i didn't.

spent the next twenty minutes bathing him. laughing with him.
getting all sorts of soapy and clean.
i borrowed some clothes and dressed him.
then we walked back home.

i used to hate cleaning up their messes. sometimes i still do. but not yesterday. yesterday i kept thinking to myself that this is what the gospel is.

this is what Jesus does for me.

He comes in all big and clean and gets on my level and wipes me. 

He smiles at me as i stand exposed and gross and coated in my own flith and shame.

He lovingly washes over all of me. 

He'll lift me up out of the tub, wrap me in warm blankets and dry me off.

dressing me again in new clothes.

and i kept thinking to myself, this is what i came here to do. i came to love and spill of myself into others. i came to be gross and used and do whatever is necessary so that these little boys of mine know the Love of their Savior and Maker. 

and when He asks me what I've done for the least of these, i can think back to these moments. and i can know, and answer that i loved. that i gave of myself and got dirty too so that we could both be clean again.

and all the good of that means nothing if my heart isn't right, and so i pray pleading prayers with each swipe from the wipes. i pray that i stay humble and small and let Him come clean out all filth from my heart. 

i loved the special time with pedrence. it wasn't how i'd planned it, or what i'd normally think is the ideal, but sharing sweet giggles together and washing Him with love filled my heart. 

what a joy to be His hands and love these boys. even days like this when loving equals the dirty.

thursday

7:57pm
my nose has decide to fight Niagara for most volume of water over a waterfall.
i have officially gone through two entire rolls of toilet paper. i ran through over half a box of tissues, and a roll of toilet paper at my house.
its impressive.

i'm busy packing for my vacation. not sure i'll be around much to post for the next two weeks. can't say that makes me super sad.
maybe i'm just in a funk, but the aura of blogging is not exactly with me.
i think its the extreme cold. its not super fun typing when you can't feel your fingers. at least to me its not.

i have 6 more stories to write for tomorrow's deadline. i saved the hardest for the final 2. not sure why. i'm a bit dopey like that.

this isn't exciting at all.

i'm busy working on my wordpress site to change over. i'm a bit mad at blogger i have a cap on photos to upload. i have a lot of photos i want to upload. it'll all have to wait i guess...

here's to starting holiday tomorrow.
woooooo hooooooo
8:00

ramblings

i struggle to know the difference.
the difference between sacred and profane. the difference between the heart hearing the Heartbeats and the heart beating loud on its own time.
to understand how One came and made little so much so that flesh was put on and babe's cries echoed in the night.

sometimes i labor over crutches. lines drawn in the sand.
usually by myself.
"here is the line, bek. dont go any further. don't even bother. you can't. its impossible. see the line, you stay right there."

sometimes no line is seen.
run, run, run free and leap into the sea.

somedays when nothing feels right i pull one of the boys close. tight. tighter. dip my head low to the hollow of their neck. breath in deep the scent of little boy playing. pause. count to five. kiss sweet cheeks usually stained dirty. pull close and its as if His breath has filled me.
stilled me.

i feel an awful kinship with paul. why do i do what i don't want to do, and don't do what i want to do?
why?
and i still ask. beg.
still for an answer.

how can what i see in me and dislike be the constant knowing of my heart.
i can see and feel the panic that rises up far to easily. and before i know it, where i don't want to go is where i'm not only headed, but arrived. how is that possible. habits are hard to nip in the butt and kick.

sometimes Jesus is so sweet to me i just sit and weep.
weep over the love He has for me. the goodness He constantly bestows over me.
little wee me.
that i am the one He stays up singing over. dancing around. that i am the one that gave Him joy to withstand the pain of crucifixion. i can't fathom. i sit and weep thanks. prayers that my tears will clean the feet and that i'll follow forever. tuck me in close, Lord. let me not stray so far tomorrow in my wonderings.

what is in my head is not what makes sense. so i ramble. ramble and what for? and who reads? but my heart beats record, bek. record. the rambling is the Him in you, so i put down.
put down.
if i write Truth enough it will seep into my bones too.
if i sit long enough eventually my body will mold to where i am, mold to whose i am.

Jesus. Jesus makes me weep today. solid, good soul cleansing tears...
and He gets me. marvelous truth. marvelous love. marvelous truth.

sokkie

on saturday i took some girlfriends to a sokkie sokkie.
it was marvelous.
and hilarious.

Afrikaners are this weird group of people. i love them. i really do. like, a lot of love. but sometimes they just like the weirdest things to me and do the weirdest things. and i don't get it. i find myself thinking: "what could possibly be enticing about this?" a good portion of my life here.

to me, it is this strange mix of country, polka, and redneck in culture. but its different. its unique. wonderful and hilarious. and i know for a fact i amuse my friends here all the time with my american-ness so, to each his own. thats where love and grace and laughter come in, right?!?! =)

some friends from the states were here doing a training and i was darn sure i was gonna get them to a sokkie even if it meant going to one here in town instead of in pretoria where i've always gone before. ooooo mokopane. bless you. small, country town that you are. you are smaller than anything from back home. i shouldn't have had such high expectations.

i called my man friends from town and got partners for us ladies. we were told it wasn't super safe after dark for us as everyone would be drunk and colorful if you will. so we were fine going early and missing out on all that. we got to the dance hall at 630. talk about being THE ONL PEOPLE there. hahahha.....

close your eyes with me. (i realize you can't really do that and continue reading....so just pretend you are closing your eyes, and really keep reading *smiles*)
imagine, its already pitch black outside. an oldish barn/hall type building. old women in their 40s (at least) manning the counter with their 3 month or younger babies in their lap. a nice size dance floor, a stage. paying R20 because there is a special singer tonight, so its up from its usual R10. (roughly R20 is $3.75). you enter. there is no one there but your girlfriends visiting from the states and your man friends from town.

so you sit. sip your coke. watch.....you watch nothing. nothing is going on. the music is this weird polka/country/disco music. classic. and typical.
its already homey to you by now. you might dislike it, but its growing on you so much that even as you dislike it it grows fond and delightful and not as shocking and hilarious.

you all sit at your table and small talk. finally, you see one of your friends ask one of the girls to dance. and you all watch. can't help it. nothing else to look at. they dance for a bit. at some point you get up and dance too. the hall is open on both sides. which would be nice in the summer when its so hot, but you feel at the same time chilly from the cold and warm from dancing just now and you wish that the doors were closed. but, wait! there aren't even doors on the sides! just open air where barn door used to be!

you dance with some good partners, some needing practice, some needing help. it doesn't matter. you are instantly taken back to being a little girl and all your years of dance practice and impromptu lessons with your dad in the living room. dancing is when you are at home.

you have to feel a bit of pride in your sokkie skills. you're getting pretty good. making all the turns. only mis-stepping twice the entire night. kudos to yourself.

you watch your girlfriends. their faces amuse you. your face must have been the exact same when you first arrived. but now its all old hat. the shock value has worn off.

about an hour or so pass. you have danced on and off. laughed a lot. felt awkward a lot. you watch your girlfriends face as a baby in a stroller passes by the dance floor heading towards the bar. wow. just wow. then in the very next moment, a dog. wonders across the scene as well. this is your life here. its normal. dogs, cats they all roam free. but to your friends. this is unreal. and so their faces freeze in a state of shock.

you stay a bit longer and are gone before its 830.

you digest the day in the car with your friends. you decide its been a fun evening. and that you'll never go back to a sokkie sokkie place in mokopane again. only in the big city.

a normal day.

....lest you think every day for me is sunshine and i always enjoy these african skies....

on wednesday i left my house at 640 in the morning. that is very normal. i didn't get home till after 10 pm. thats normal for a wednesday. normally it is earlier, but that day, with church and dropping off people on the way home and then my car not starting and then walking home myself....it was late.

thursday back up at 530 in the morning. at the school house by 640. i was home early yesterday, i got home around 5pm. thats fairly normal. give or take an hour *smile*

today began at 515. the sky is dark, the air bitter chilly and i wanted to stay under my blanket. i got up, ate, read, showered, went to start the car. we thought we fixed it yesterday. no such luck :(
i ended up walking to school and arriving late. my boys all bundled up in packs on their momma's backs. poor little ones standing chilly not sure where i was.

manassah, my gift car. that i paid for with my own money but in every way is a gift. he's not doing so well. and he wasn't able to get into a garage today. so broken he still sits in the yard. i don't even have a hope or an idea of what is wrong. so i've decided (and somehow its working?!?!) that its no help being upset and he'll work when he works, and i'll pay what i need to do get him running and he'll sit broken till someone can help me. so i put out the feelers and said what i needed and its out of my hands. so i wait and walk and enjoy knowing i'm exercising my body and feeding my spirit in not being upset.

i got to school. preceded to spill coffee all over my white shirt.

today was shaping up to be a grand day. car not working, coffee spilling.....

hung out with my little entourage of men for two hours then drove up the mountain for more EE training. (there's been a big children's conference on the farm that i've been blessed to participate in during the morning and early afternoon hours this week. more on that another day...) i felt like a hot mess with my big ole coffee stain and knowing manny wasn't working.

went through training. taught my break-out group to do a drama. couldn't resist. it was hilarious. it helped us learn. acting always helps me learn something....hahahahhaa

came down off the mountain after lunch and had a few long moments with the boys while they ate and told me what they did that morning. then my boys momma's picked them up. early. VERY early. i was happy. i love early friday's.

i got in the car to see how aunt liz's car works. we drove up to polokwane. i dropped aunt liz and beth off. then i took natalie and bec to the mall. err.....the closest thing to a 'mall' within 3 hours that we have. i had to get some groceries so we went to pick-n-pay. at which point all the check-out counters in the entire store went dead. as in, offline.

as in, nothing worked. and of course it happened just moments after swiping my card. SO, we had to wait till get our receipt and money back. otherwise, we'd just have put our stuff back and left. but no, we waited.
and we waited.
and i still had my coffee stained shirt on, lest you think i changed. i hadn't.
34 minutes later (yes, i timed it), we were on our way out. i had become good friends with lucas my checkout boy and he was cute and funny and we talked about soccer and the world cup and how in 6 days the entire world will be here in our south africa.

and then i wanted to take the girls to Mugg & Bean to get them good muffins. but they were out of muffins. as in, they had none.
how is that even possible??! that is what they are known for....
and so we wondered and sipped a milkshake, smoothie, and iced coffee respectfully.
and i got home around 7pm. which isn't too bad.
and now i am preparing lesson plans for next week. and writing stories for those books i mentioned once before.
and i finally put my coffee stained shirt in the wash.

sometimes its normal for an entire store to go offline. for cars not to work. for the cold bitter air to seep into homes. thats all normal.

the good news is my clicker works at the big gate so i can now get in and out without panicking. thats good. and i did manage to pick up my world cup tickets! i squealed at the counter and the people inside said i was the happiest person to get my tickets they had yet seen. i was dumbfounded. could you really be unhappy to get your tickets? yes, apparently you can, because they said lots of people were angry. weird. so weird...

still, winter days

i have all sorts of pausing.
stilling.

still, see all the
glory.
glory moments.

still moments.
moments when the only sound i hear is the sound of His step. His breath blowing and showing in the dark blustery days that are here now.

Winter has come.
not over my heart. but over my heart.
the heatbeats and pumping and cold numb fingers are my companion now.
winter has come.

so i still.
still under covers and blankets.
i broke down and got a little space heater for my room. a little bed sheet that heats up for my bed.
warmth for the cold.
the biting cold.

i keep saying it really isn't so bad. and so it isn't.
its only so bad because its never-ending.
how africans go with no heating inside is something i can not understand.
once its cold (and, its cold), its cold till it gets warm again.
come, come, come soon late august. i miss your warmth.

you imagine going inside would warm you up. and no, its just as cold inside; if not colder! the cold is everywhere and no hope of warming is to be found. hats, scarves, gloves.
i pull tight.

the sun shines in the daytime. it warms cold weary bones.
i still.
still.
look up and blow kisses to the Son-shine on my face.
i feel it seep into the bones.
i see its evidence on white blonde strands.
i feel it freckle my back.
thats a lie, i dream of it freckling my back; it really only warms it.

someday, in Heaven, i'll have freckles. you better believe it. i believe it. i believe it and pray prayers for a freckled man to marry so i have freckled babies. but thats anther story....

i still in these winter days.
days when the dark creeps in before the day has had a chance to really shine and expand and be.
i still under covers.
pull tight and pull closer.
hear the Breath steps of Him ahead of me.

isn't it amazing that you only see your breath when its very cold and dark out? when you are just about to doubt everything about everything it is then the breath moments are seen.
catch your breath. wish on a star. sing a song.
and still.
still and watch and listen.
listen to the wind whistling in the leaves.
listen to your fingers type out stories.
listen to the movements in your heart.

still. and glory.
it is blustery winter time.
and there is glory.
all around.
just be still. and wait. its coming. He's coming. He is almost here.
He's on His way to warm my days and pull closer.
pause, pause long and linger.