back rubs

i broke my own rule yesterday. grrr....i'm not fully surprised tough! i knew it would happen at some point that i would forget how awesome my idea of writing for four minutes would be and write over that. in fact, considering i wrote yesterday's update on and off the entire day and wednesday night i not only went over four minutes i went way over four minutes.
go big or go home, right?

i spent well over an hour tonight rubbing weary shoulders. sometimes i feel like it is more healing for me to rub and give then to sit and take it in. well, maybe a close tie on that one. but seriously. there was a moment within the first few moments when i was eating a shared cadbury bar, and rubbing paul's back that i felt i was just bliss. in fact, i lost the ability to communicate with kelsey. the moment of savouring was too much.

i realize more and more the power of touch to me. anyone who's met my mother and sister knows you are overly hugged and touched and we all tend to stand a bit to close when talking to you and we like to touch you when we're talking to just ya know make sure you realize we are with you. can't tell you how many times i fight my way out of another hug or swap away hands when i'm at home.
but.
it was safe. it was the sun rising every morning i knew i could depend on those terrible hugs to be there. (love you, mom!).  not only could i depend on them, but they always came to symbolize love and security and belonging. i expect those hugs and the tickling and there are moments i honestly don't like them, but there are more moments i pretend not to like them and secretly ache long for them. and i guess mom knows that and thats why they haven't stopped.

people who let me touch them heal me.
people who reach out to touch me, they heal me too.

i've been consistently amazed at how i've come to associate touch and affection with "ok-ness" and security and acceptance.

its really only been the past few years that i'd have thought of myself as super touchy. but reality is, i'm more and more like mom and my older sister. touching all the time. hug you here. reach across and pat your shoulder there. chide your face like this. squeeze your hand like so. i blame it on the hispanic genes.  whatever....

the point is touch means so much to me. even more now. because when jordan and i were dating we had a normal relationship. if we sat next to each other he'd reach over and rub my arm, or greet me and give me a hug. and then we were married and he decided to make poor choices and there was just never any touch unless it was negative or hurtful.

lack of touch now equates to something being wrong in me.

of course that makes no sense. i know that in my head. but when someone is awkward about giving a hug or shudders as i lean into communicate i freeze up inside and walls are formed that shout "protect, protect, protect" and so i find the best possible way to make an exit and leave.
clearly i'm not wanted. or so my brain has been programmed to feel now.

its so obvious to me how little ones need constant love and affection and touching to grow and feel worth. i still need love and attention and affection to feel worth, and i did not lack one bit growing.

people who let me sit and run my fingers through their hair do me a great gift. rubbing 3 of the nomad's back tonight was a joy. and the grateful faces afterwards melted my heart. in some weird way it communicates they enjoy me. and i bring value to the world.

its so selfish, but what good it does my heart to feel and know i bring value. and yes, in my head i could tell myself and know that i bring such value in simply being a child of the King; but man, to hear and see happy faces makes me so appreciative as i go to sleep tonight.

its just such a happy thing to make others happy. its a drug i'm addicted to. but a good one, right?

what makes you feel completely at ease with someone?

weekly roundup vol. 6

i just might like insects again (also, helps we're approaching winter and bug season has passed: HALLELUJAH!).

25 best redneck weddings leaves me speechless.

do you follow Dwight's blog? never mind he's a tv character. this stuff is hilarious. dwight makes me erupt in glee. (did ya get the pun?!?)

old wooden churches in Russia. beautiful.

i really really want to read this book. add it to a list of abut 30 other ones i'd pee my pants to get ahold of...

they found Noah's Ark.... hmmm... interesting

cupcakes!

whats your color?!? you share yours, i'll share mine!

and just something pretty to close, because i love pretty things.

(courtesy of clayton austin)

wednesday afternoon

i was feeling pretty feisty when i got home from church.
we had guests visiting for supper that run a local hotel.
i felt like it was an important relationship building dinner and prepared myself to be on my best behavior. (apparently, my self-prep-talk didn't do much). the hotel has donated the use of their facilities to RaG. we've been holding teacher training programs there for about a month now, every saturday. the department of education is also helping sponsor the event. its an excellent opportunity to train teachers, who train children, who will grow and change the direction and climate of this nation. very cool. anyway, i missed supper but came in on the end for some excellent malva pudding and coffee. jacques and lizzy were introducing me and jacques joked that i was living with them to cook and clean. he was completely joking and it was obvious but then i jumped right in and said, "oh, no...but its true. thats why they keep me upstairs in the attic. i feel like cinderella!" i could barely finish cinderella before i started giggling but jacques just looked at me all wide-eyed shocked bc i really haven't been that sassy in front of him in a long time (in fact, i don't think i ever have), and he told me where did this come from? and that i was on a roll. best compliment i had in awhile. *grins*
i was on a roll...
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my boys run to school 20 out of 21 mornings. i hear their little giggles all the way in my new school building before i see them. i see flashes of white smiles round the corner, they have arrived.
i love that. SO much!!
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yesterday i sliced my thumb fairly well while i was cutting up some orange slices for the boys. nasty cut ruined a lot of the oranges in the process. red and orange don't mix well on any universe (sorry, mom!). i went to the bathroom to wash it with soap before sticking on a band-aid. one of the boys followed me in. all wide eyed scared that i was actually hurting. round chocolate eyes watched my every sigh and movement. silent words pierced the darkness: "i cut my finger at home like that too, bekah."
ahhhhh how healing words can be! he was comforting in the only way he knew. i realized all my efforts at getting them to actually care and notice and act are working!! sometimes i wonder if i shout and admonish and teach and mold and show and model and and and and and....does it do any good? but they do see and notice and listen and if it takes slicing my thumb to notice, i'll do it again today.
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weekly roundup vol. 5 and other things.

my apologies. this was written on and off over four days. its flows in my head and i dont wish to edit it into smaller posts. somehow they all found there way just here, just now...
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amazing collection of fine art photos from the World Cup stadiums. we're down to 45 days!!!!

really? whale poop will seriously save the world?!?

this makes me really proud.

haiti doesn't want your money anymore. in fact, stop sending it..

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can i tell you how random my brain is? i wonder if there is something wrong that it can be completely absorbed in one thing and in a moment switch gears fully. i had the sweetest little conversation with my best friend today. it had been to long. i told her the latest inside information on my life. we giggled. we sighed. i almost cried. she drove. i sat. it was lovely. she could be the only truly close friend who doesn't call me boo. the rest all do. including my new south african father who upon realizing my blogspot address inquired and now can't stop. its comical and weird. 

even though i go up at night to lay my head down and sleep. i am not alone. lizzy nods her head when i ask questions or smiles when i cry and gives me hugs. jacques gives me a hug goodnight and i'm safe. jacquie and nicole clamor, "tannie bekah, look! tannie bekah, watch! auntie bekah, see what i made!" and like my boys, the smile and look with wide-eyes to see my affirmation and love and attention. so endearing the heart of wee ones are. its good to be touched.

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they tell me they won't ask me to leave.
they tell me that they will talk to me about little annoyances before big issues arise.
they tell me goodnight each evening.
they tell me i'm a leader. i'm doing remarkable work. and they believe in me.
they tease me incessantly.
they say all the inappropriate swear words good christians dont say in america, because here it is not a curse word to say them.*
they tell me their kids love me and like spending time with me.

and i sit and wait and watch and try and not test on purpose but wait for the moment of reckoning.
i wait for them to realize they don't want me to stay. and i wait for the moment i realize i don't want to stay either...

its so weird to be living with others. not just for a night or two. but living. the sort of living where i am fully laid bare and my junk is visible, and their junk is visible, and i choose to still love, and they choose to still love....or, they ask me to leave. and they promised they won't. which is marvelous, and in my head i believe them. but even if they did ask me to go back to my little lapa it would be ok. but thats another long thought and not for here. not for today....

and i'm adopted in. i'm adopted in like my siblings were. different yes. i have my family still and i will never lose them. never lose their love and that support and that family-ness. but i've been adopted in. websters says adoption is:

1. to take by choice into a relationship**

that is what they have done. by choice they invited me in. its a strange feeling and thought and i dont know if its the living or the choosing or the whatnot but i am here and its doing weird things to my mental processing. its given me a new awareness of what my all grown siblings felt when they were taken in. the process of being and morphing but still being your true self is strange. adaptation is a good thing. a hard thing. a joyous thing.

i'm learning that grace comes in many forms. many graces have been laid on my head. i don't know how to process them.
i'm a loud shout of silence.
i'm just taking and sitting and storing. but he's doing a good work in me and i can feel it. and i want to kick back and fight the absorbing and my pride longs to stand strong, but i'm not strong and i am needy (thanks, missy), and its ok. and we're all needy. and i feel He is storing up in me and preparing and healing and working out joints and marrow and hurt into something good and strong and He loves me and not an ounce of weird feelings or moving across an ocean and separating from normal will mar what He is doing or in fact what He is purposed in me and that is good and strong and joy and new-life. and He is the redeemer of all things and i am just the product that sits and watches the one i love take the hammer and chisel smooth somedays or chops into pieces other days and my marble carves out and it hurts and other times i see shiny beauty and its glorious to be carved and He does it. does the carving and does the mending.

and He throws me into fire and He mends the broken pieces and He makes me gold and shiny and silver dancing in the moonlight. and i feel all together like a mess. and i used to think missionaries were such good people. leaving behind so much, and leaving behind everything, because they felt compelled to go and share love. to share real love. and yes, there is a compelling and there lies fire in these bones that won't stop or quit till its all known by all, but there is much more than that and its hard to put it all into thoughts and feelings when it runs wild in your mind. because love moves in weird ways and love does weird things to a heart and its done weird things to my heart and i can't help but want to share that. even though right now the disconnect between the love in my head and the love in my heart seems vast and seems stronger than an ocean current and deep deep deep like the ocean floor. i can't seem to be able to reconcile what is known to what is felt and maybe i'm just too analytic for my own good. and maybe i am. or maybe i'm just too prideful to just sit and let it be and let Him be and let it all be fine. and maybe its true. or maybe the times i have felt and the times i have sang and danced and been enveloped in good freedom bursting love have all been real.

and its all been good and right and maybe i'm just thinking too much or thinking to little and i just want to sit with Him up on Bethany hill and just look over Jerusalem with Him and just hear Him long, ache and whisper how He beats to gather his children together and hold them, and hold them close, and whisper to them love, and warm away the cold night air. and just to sit and marvel next to Him that this man, that this man is the one I love. that this man is the one who has made me new and makes me new and refuses to quit on me when i quit on me. and just to watch the way his hair blows free in the moonlight and how his hands reach out and heal the little ones, and how He's full of compassion on those he's closest too, on the ones who are honest with Him and the ones He lives with. honest with their pride, honest with their hurt, honest with their disbelief, and how He kept around him the one who would betray Him and how He didn't give up believing in that one knowing it all; knowing what He'd do. and that is why i love judas, for i'm him too, but somehow and in someway i think that maybe knowing i'll run away and betray and grab my 30 pieces and toss them in the wind, that somehow maybe he won't give up on me knowing all that. that somehow he will still invest in me and trust me and that is what i ache to see. to just see the love in His eyes. to hear the miracle words He spoke with my own ears....
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*can i tell you how i still giggle tremendously to hear such a passionate man of the Word, of Jesus; a man who is my south african father, say things that my dad in america would never say?!? like normal dinner conversation to have d*mn or a*s spoken. ooooooo i will never get used to it and never understand how its normal here.
hey bud, you know, it certainly isn't helping my cursing disease to be living with them!! :)

**the other definitions don't really apply!
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sit and take Him in. pause and listen to the stirring in your heart. know that He longs to gather you, longs to hold you. feel His hair whip across the wind and speckle your face, too.

talk about free association

1:41pm

kids are napping. frantic frantic frantic.

i've been drinking my coffee black recently. it makes me chuckle. uncle dave always said this was the way to drink it if you want to put hair on your chest. which, at 10 when he told me that, of course i did want that. uh, who doesn't want to be cool with chest hair like your uncles and dad when you're 10?!? thankfully, i have outgrown this desire.

there is a wasp nest just above the door to my old little lapa. its like they go all kamikaze on me and drive bomb my head when i come near. i have yet to be stung, but it freaks me out. i'm completely telling the truth that half the reason i cut my hair, or at least a reason i cut my hair, was because more than once i had them stuck in it. sadly, today i got one in my head again. seriously?!?! well, i ain't going shorter so i'll have to learn to thrive on their dive bombing as is.

i slept like a baby yesterday. only, the sort of baby that is all cute and cuddly and sleeps through the night. you know the type, imaginary ones.

i have a confession to make. sometimes i don't like to hug, and hold, and kiss my boys. sometimes they are all sticky fingers, all gross faced, all loud and full of boy humour, and i really just want to sit and wear a dress and be at a tea party with dainty things and finger food. but i tell myself you are not here to be clean, you are here to love,  so get over yourself and hold those slimy hands and wipe those runny noses. and sometimes it works but today i wish they were just a tad cleaner.

my family got back from disney world this week. the photos speak joy and life all over facebook. my turn will come. isn't it lovely to have family and friends that work there and get you in for free?!? its the happiest place on earth. and soon enough i'll be back and seeing all my orlando family. i love all of you!

1:44

the clinic came and we had our mump shots

my sweet little men had shots today. i think it was harder on me then it was on them. the clinic is in the middle of this big anti-mumps campaign and doing vaccinations on all the wee little ones in the province. i knew it wouldn't be pleasant. i didn't know how unpleasant it would be. the tears and cries were plentiful!

oh, how i love them so!

i have decided that if/when i ever have children i will not take them to the doctor for their immunizations. i will go away and let my husband and father take care of it. i completely agree in immunizing children, but i can't do it. i thought i would near pass out today. my stomach hurt and i almost fainted. i kept whispering in my head to myself, "suck it up, strangarity. you're not even getting the shots."

oh they cried. their sweet little faces contorted all pain-filled. they screamed. they clung to me. i couldn't believe it. i imagined them trying to run back into the school building...but they didn't. little hands reached up and clawed my neck and stomach.

oh, i love them!

they also got polio medicine. two droplets into their open mouths. perfect (above) was the absolute worst. that kid spat his out 6 times. SIX TIMES! 2 times on me, once on the doctor, and the rest on the ground. oh he fought so strong to not take it....i almost gave in. i have no backbone when it comes to their pain. finally he swallowed.

their little arms. so strong in fighting. little red specks on chocolate skin. i couldn't take it. of course, ruben and johanno didn't even make a noise. how in the world, roelene (you, stalker! *grin*)? they were little brave angels and gratefully too. 

i normally enjoy when the clinic comes. they give medicine, they make the kids better. but i'm not lying at all when i say i would be fine to not ever see them again. i just can't handle it. their little tear stained faces. i don't care it makes them better and healthier in the long run. it hurts my heart.

all of these photos were taken last week. we used the timer after lunch. the boys know that if they eat well i will let us play or watch a movie. they almost always chose to play. i am teaching them to use my camera. so the photos that have 3 or more of them in are timer shots. otherwise its one of the boys. they didn't do to shabby of a job for the very first time pushing buttons and holding a camera. i was nervous but their excitement over doing this was my joy too.

i moved. this afternoon. the rain delayed the moving for two days. which isn't long, but when you're anxious and ready its long. i'm sitting in my new bed now. i have never felt so relaxed and content over such an unsettled thing in my entire life, or at least in a very long time. i have no plans to leave again but i have no plans to really stay here longer than a few weeks. its a weird place. this unsettled but settled feeling and i'm glad. i'm on the other side of the farm with one of the families here and i think it will be so good for me to have a family environment. i'm a bit curious to see how living with a family goes as its been over 7 years since i lived with one. ha! but it will be good to have more hugs and love and not be living alone. 

please go back and look through these photos again. please take note of each face in each photo. the expression these boys make kill me. i love that you can see the relationship and trust kelvin and perfect and i have built. tutu is only in his 3rd week of school and still keeps his distance with me. soon he'll be hanging on me like the other boys do. but their faces. and little arm movements. just eat them up along with me, please!

oh, i love them so!

two years ago today...

...i rushed across the street to see my baby brothers at their prom. perk of living close to the nicest hotel in the city. they were dashing that day. i love them.

after a few photos and hugs i slipped out of my heels and walked back home. i think the joy of seeing them look so nice, walking home in blue skies and good ole' lancaster county sunshine, and feeling grass between my toes were little love-miracles to steady me for what was to come.

i entered the house and all was quiet and still till i reached the top step. and there he stood. the one i said yes to when pearl ring was placed on my finger. the one who i promised till death separates us. the one i trusted. he now sat on all his possessions packed in bags at his feet.

so this is what it feels like...

a few words were said. lies uttered. pain spoken and felt. silent nods from me.

"yes i understand what your doing." "yes, i realize you don't want to live with me." "yes, you're going to your parents? ok. ok...yes i hear you."

only...why? and its wrong. and silent pleas and prayers and questions stir in my head. but silence filled my every word. what do you say? when a mind is made up. made up and filled with lies. what do you say when your frozen in shock and disbelief and confusion and more vulnerable then ever.

i watched him gather everything and walk down our steps. it was the last time they were ours. i didn't watch him drive off.

i don't remember calling anyone. but i must have.
i don't remember leaving the floor in the living room, but i woke in bed so somehow i did.
i don't remember knowing how they came. they were those who loved me. sister and sean. parents. my lania. somehow i told them. and they sat and touched and prayed as i rocked and heart sobs escaped my voice. i don't remember them much. but they were there. when floor became ceiling and ceiling melted into floor they were there to signal what was up and what was down and hold me when i had nothing.

i don't know how to write. i don't know how because i still fear unbelief and accusations. and i still want to protect vows i made to keep and protect. and i want to be honest but i don't want or know how to be like that. i wrote something yesterday. posted it. then deleted it. but maybe i'll post it again. i want to name things for what they are. there is power in naming things and i feel sometimes i'd have more courage naming what is mine to name...but its not just my story. i feel you sorta forfeit your rights when you walk away from the Lord and your wife but even then its still not just my story. its his too.
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its been two years today. every day has been easier. days, and even weeks go by and i don't think of pain. they till me months will pass without a thought too at some point. really? i question ponder if it could be. i sit and ache in some moments still for every dream that walked out the door and died.

and He gives good gifts and good dreams but pain is still real and questions and whys linger.

i always prayed to be able to touch a life. to be able to share from my stories into other stories and find common ground. and answers to prayer are strange indeed because i never thought any story of mine would entail all that it has. never wanted it too.
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one of the only things i remember after he walked out was calling my mentor on the phone. and i choked out words before swift tears soaked through; and she prayed. i don't even remember the words but i sat on the bed and she prayed over me over the phone over state lines. last year i was in california with my brother. on this day we moved some of my dearest friends into a new house. i sat and they prayed over me. whispers of life and new hope. and today i sat and had hands touch and pray new life again. more whispers of life and hope.
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seasons come and bring new feelings and new processing and new understanding of grace. grace that floods and fills and shatters darkness that engulfs and hurts and frustrates forward motion.

His grace was sufficient for me two years ago.
His grace was sufficient for the dark was that still to come.
His grace was sufficient when i up and moved across the ocean, because though i'd given up on me being used again, He hadn't and still called me to share life and love and teach.
His grace is sufficient even today.
and it will be sufficient tomorrow.
despite the days and moments i have had, and still do have, and will again have thinking it isn't...
it IS. He is.
He's my portion and i believe working out in me good.
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two years ago today i felt and thought and believed i was over. that i would cease to be from the questions and torment and hurt. but here i am. not only alive but somehow teaching and loving precious little wee ones. still alive. still alive. still alive.
that is Grace.
so, here's to two years later, i'm still standing.

about the sex cafe

this morning, as most mornings this week went, i rose early.

early enough to hear my heart beat before the hectic pace of life set in and discolored my white quiet with loud craze rainbows.

and i sat overwhelmed. the quiet screamed to loudly. voices of girls i've never met begged for help. tears poured down my cheeks. i've been following anne the past 2 weeks. have you? she's brought me to tears. yes, i know i cry readily and easily. but you'd be a sick unfeeling person to not cry too.

she wrote about the sex cafe.

and i have no words.

sex trafficking. slavery.

it hurts my heart.

makes my head go all dizzy.

i wanna disbelieve. i want to believe its all lies. lies people have made up. that children are not bought and sold for less than a latte at starbucks. that women the age of my nieces are not lined up with numbers around their neck waiting for the highest bidder. i want to believe its all made up.

but it isn't. its real. its a nightmare.

i spent two weeks in Moldova (where the sex cafe is) the summer of '05. i won't lie and say i liked it. i didn't. in fact, coming from turkey, a country and people i connected with intimately and loved, moldova was a struggle. but a few things stand out in my mind. (obviously there are a lot more)

1. one of them is the heat and sunflowers. lots of sunflowers. 
2. another thing was the orphanage of children we worked in. special needs. children aged 21 the size of 3 year olds. 
3. one more thing was the women, scantily clad, walking and roaming the streets. young girls. we were told it was common and acceptable. but it unnerved me. and that was before i even was aware trafficking existed. let alone that chisinau was a hotspot for transport.

i don't know what to do when i read things like this. nothing else matters. for all i think and process and ache and do here, it often feels pointless when knowing little ones are sold.

sold.
babies. sold.....

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and if it wasn't providence that had me weeping over hurting women and girls and children. donald miller is at it once again challenging all to live a better story just this afternoon.

please take the next few moments and think about what you can do to end slavery.

stand and smile

sweet boy just moves to fast.
like the tasmanian devil, he is a whirl of activity and spunk and going! going! going!

it amazes me their little personalities. shining so brightly, so young.
i know them.
know that if i do this, it will make them say that.
know that if i treat them this way, they will react this way.

and i know that no matter how often he gets hurt he still goes at a go! go! go! pace.
lightening fast.

he fell down hard today. he was running in the school. running to get something for me.
and his dear little feet just got caught up in the ground.
he tumbled and hit his head fairly hard.
poor kelvin boy.

and so he moves with the wind blowing and coming and going.
and consequently he falls sometimes. but in a moment he is up.
within instants. and that smile i love so dearly is again on his face.
and he is back to running through life.

perhaps you could argue it isn't wise how fast he moves through life. and yes, there are certainly lessons in that. but today. oh, today what i love is how he just gets right back up.
back up and smiling.

i pray he always gets right back up and smiles when he falls down.

and that i have the courage to do that as well.

and not only to stand again, but to stand and smile.

these wee little ones teach more than i teach them. that is, if i pause long enough to

breath and see and take it in.

take in their God whispers in the everyday.

my new ring.

three minute thursday.
i've decided to try something different. thursday and three just sorta go, don't they? i think so. they got that t, h, and r thing. i've decided every thursday i will write for only three minutes. so maybe not every thursday, or maybe every thursday, i don't know that yet, but i do know i'll write only three minutes on every thursday that i write. it'll be a fun little exercise.
my three minutes will not count any links or photos or fixing of spelling. those i can add later. its my blog and my rules. and thanks to Alece, for sorta inspiring this. and inspiring my continual lovesong with Africa. she and i are more similar then i wish.
the rest of this all happened this morning, around 530.
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4:16-go!
days pass and what i want to say is buried in the secret places of my journal.
leather bound.
inspiring me to always be proactive. not aimless. but usually i'm aimless. its when i'm at my best.

she gave me a ring.
in a box.
said she had a dream about me.
that she saw me running.
running to God. and he running to me.
and we met in the middle.
and he knelt down and gave me a box. asked me to marry him.
said i had no shame.
all shame was gone.
and he wanted me.

and do you know what your name means rebekah, she asked?
yes i shook my head but i've heard two versions.
one-captivating.
two-a rope that is twisted and tied.

and i told how i always hated that. that most people saw that as the meaning though the hebrew says differently in the root of the word. but whatever it was a silly thing to care about the meaning of a name....
and she told me, but you know what. it does mean captivating. the root means that. it can't be different. and you know the rope it is referencing is one finely crafted and lovely to behold. either way, you are beautiful and captivating. and HE wants you still. that is your name. divinely given to you, labeling your intrinsic value.

you haven't done too much for him.
and she gave me this box. and inside a ring. so i would always remember that He has chosen me. to bind himself to me forever. and no choice i made, especially no choice made upon me, can mar that.

and she told me that she believes in me.

and with white crystal dancing in the morning sunlight i drove home.
i drove home as red rocks flamed fire in the sunrise and white bellows of seafog danced in the meadows.
and my ring glistened pure and lovely

4:19-done.

sing praise, don't murmur despair

i am not thankful enough.
cancers of frustration and bitterness burn in my soul.
the solution, the drug necessary, is a healthy dose of appreciativeness for what i do have. instead of lamenting all i've lost or miss or do not have.
so, today i will record what makes me grateful.
what i love.
right now, in these very moments of this post-monday-school day.

today i will sing praise instead of murmuring despair.

1. a friend pulling out all the stops to help me help myself. bless you, lelane.
2. a hair cut i can literally do nothing to and have it lay "right" (ladies you know how difficult this this!!)
3. cute little boys who hug my legs so tight i bruise 
4. ...and clamor constantly for my approval and attention
5. my afrikaans getting to the point i can talk to the doctor and understand
6. clean sheets
7. friends willing to pay big bucks to send me packages and bless me and remind me i am not alone. or forgotten.
8. sunshine and cool breezes, all signs point to fall coming soon!!!
9. chocolate brown eyes and white teeth smiles that now can argue with me proving they do in fact understand the English i've poured into them these few months.
10. a backbone to not give into their cuteness....*sigh* they are so adorable
11. impromptu dance party to ms fitzgerald last night in my lapa before i drifted to sleep. i love her!
12. a good monday in school.
13. finding bread in the store that is affordable and reminds me of home and that. i. completely. adore. HUGE answer to prayer.
14. bread for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. it is THAT good.
15. for still believing and thinking bread is my favorite food. ever. of all time.
16. for my brothers girlfriend and the relationship we have and her dear emails
17. dreams of all the home movies i'll make with my sister when i'm home over Christmas and how we'll convince the other siblings to join in.
18. playing an old homey piano in a friends house while they holiday away
19. knowing my gram prays each day for me, and believing many others do as well
20. my $3 wal-mart shoes that have lasted 2 years now and still take me where i wanna go in comfort
21. the sweet girl at mr. video who let me open an account without ID so i could rent a movie
22. quinoa and beans and tomatoes and onions. a healthy happy supper.

the list goes on and on.....once you start you can't stop. errrr....or somethign like that.

what are you grateful for today? its a good day!

ps: if you read this in reeder. hop on over to my site! i finally took the time to update the template to something much more "me" then that green background. i feel at home now.....

carefree

when i think about "me" i always picture me around five. five was a very kind year to me. i'm not sure why, and probably now its just from constant repetition, but i really liked being five. and here are the reasons why.

• my hair was short. white white blonde. curly. and bouncy.
• i wore a lot of dresses and skirts. 
• i hadn't started school yet and hadn't realized what was to come from that (future post of explanation coming, semi-soon. maybe).
• my sister and i were best friends and i had a brand spankin new baby brother.
• my dad would sit with me and we'd read stories on his beloved chair that i have inherited and miss daily and sits in storage till i have a more "permanent" home.
• mom would let us roam the backyard freely and record us singing songs and making up plays and laugh with us.

....mostly when i think of me, i think of me, five and carefree and short bob curly hair bouncing in the wind.

because thats how i want to be now. free.

i've always had short hair. always. that is till very recently. i'll explain why later....i'm too sleepy just this moment.

i cut 13 inches off two years ago this May and had a very similar cut then. its been growing since that time i guess with just trims here and there. so its getting a bit long for me....

last night i was ready for a change and to be "me" again. so 5 or so inches later...here we are! and here is the photo we were going for, didn't quite achieve it, but got very close. give it a month and it'll have grown out to that length!

(the color photo was from this morning when it was still "styled." the B&W shots were just 20 minutes ago. after a hot sweaty day walking in downtown jozi, seeing Stomp, and car riding, so, not the cutest but you get the idea. see how happy i am?!?!)

i couldn't be more thrilled and happy!!

well, thats not true. i could.

i would if my beloved aunt who's always cut my hair did it (love you, aunt rose!). 

and i would be happy if it wasn't quite so layered. and if my bangs were cut and not razored. BUT besides those minor details i feel like me again.

i feel like a little girl. free and untainted and capable.

for those feelings alone i should always keep my hair short like this.

its like i'm a caged bird set free.

i love it!

and stomp was amazing. i darn near cried, which is not a surprise at all. i love that broadway shows are cheaper here. love it. with the drive and tolls and gas it ends up not being that cheap but man, was it worth it to have a nice fun day in downtown jozi and then see the show. wow. wow. wow. 

stars

stars speckle hope on a black night.
stars come forth when day is dimmest.
stars shine forth the moonlight.

stars enchant and delight.
stars twinkle twinkle in the night make you blink and see them twice.
for once is not enough.
stars demand a second glance to pause, still, remember.

silver shining on the midnight sky.
little love beams from fairy tales long ago they remain for ever
shining and reminding that good dances across the night.
even the moonless nights.

stars freckle the sky with beautiful.
stars caught and held in the heart.
expand and swish swoosh create little love beams from fairy lands
and light moonless nights when emotions soar wild.
stars pause the dreams and bring the moonlight full thunder
then sleep, provoked, comes swiftly, and safe envelopes you.

stars are hope across ancient skies.
stars scatter midnight seas and
dance free glitter over all of me.
and silent night peaceful sleep calls out: "rest, dear one."
stars sing their melodies as they shower over me.

....and then the fairy girl drifted to sleep and woke with moon dust in her eyes.

.......
*He created the stars. He created the lights, the expanse. i don't doubt for a moment, His singing over me is accomplished with each glimmer of every beloved star. For He speaks like a lover in ways i cherish and love and in the moments that move me, it is His whisper, then, that i hear. He is the stars. He is the light on midnight seas, beckoning, "rest, dear one."

....and so, i lay my head down and rest as stars dance over me singing their song of peace.
....................
my grandma just commented on my blog! NEVER thought this day would happen. oh, gram! i cherish your every day prayers! love love love you. and keep the comments coming! *smile*

briefly, in photos, Easter Weekend

this was the drive down the mountain. i dont even know why, but it enchanted me so.

i will never tire of seeing zebras. they scream "afrika!" to me. i love them.

the very first turtle i saw here in SA.

the weather was "rain" in the forecast all week. and it did seem to rain an awful lot. but it always seemed to rain when we were driving or at someone's house. when we were "out" we were blessed. blue blue skies.

this little one was so precious. ahhh just look at its delicate little legs.

i love lily ponds.

i loved this bird.

i spy with my little eye a hippo. and this was about all i spotted of him for the entire time we sat and watched him.

probably the biggest rack i have ever seen on a kudu.

o, you know...just an elephant, crossing the road.

this is where the lion was. see the big rock, just to the left is the lion, in front of that tree. amazing!! :)

hi lady lion

this series is what i like to call: "watch simba and nala make a baby." of course, its difficult to see. but it really happened. it was outrageous and unbelievable and awkward.

i told you i LOVE this little guy. SO SO SO stinkin cute. i want one! i love his little body. i love the way he just was spastic. he was freakin adorable.

one evening tannie magda came running to my room and said i must come and see this. she had a very large spider in the tub! it was gross. i can still barely look at it. *shudders*

i just love this shot. something about it is homey and simple and i want to paint it.

this was another massive kudu.

i. love. this. photo. it is like the elephant was hiding out in the trees and bushes. Peek-a-boo!

i couldn't decide if i wanted to shoot in black and white...

...or color.

i love this photo too. i love when the light shines through brightly and illuminates.

it is fall here in South Africa, however, the colors in the next few photos are not from the leaves changing. they are from a fire. but its still beautiful and i love the colors!!

this photo is amazing. i love the blurry elephant in the background and how i got my camera to focus on the leaves in the front. love it...

check out those fall colors?!?! *winks*

this is the beauty and problem of Kruger. its a wild park. the animals dont have signs saying "look here" or tags where you can chase them on your GPS. they are wild. free roaming. below you see the rhino. we were told by a car coming towards us there were rhino in the bushes, so naturally we looked for them. we had prayed ALL day for a rhino. it was the one animal i really wanted to see. so we pull up to the spot they are supposed to be and we are looking and looking. and then we spot it! i snapped this photo the very next moment. can you see it? now you understand how its possible to drive and see nothing or happen to see everything.

i have this exact photo that went out with my Christmas update letter. only it is from me just landing back home in the states and seeing snow. anyway. i guess i need to practice making some new faces that display shock and joy and awe.

look at that rhino!!! amazing!! (ps: there is NO zoom on that photo!)

deciding to cross the road

just behind our car!!!!!! *insert massive open face here* ps: isn't his little butt and legs cute?!?! i love rhinos!

told ya i liked his butt. so square and funny....

trying to make it out by 6 so we didn't get a fine! we lost track of time *smile*. that mountain in the distance, the pointy one, is where we stayed. literally. the place was on the top. it was amazing.

just another view of the college. friends of tannie's and oom's work there and so we stayed in the old hotel turned college/dorm for exceptionally cheap. it was beautiful and a blessing.

this is the only photo i have of collin. what a man! seriously! he was friends with oom and tannie and when he heard i started a school he gave me an entire years plus of Bible curriculum to use in teaching. it was well close to 20 pounds of teachers guides and children's book. i almost cried. i asked if i could pay or give a donation or something! anything! and he just said it was in honor, and his wife, elizabeth. she just recently passed away and he wanted to "pay forward" the life and legacy of her. i readily accepted and tears burned my eyes. he travels all over southern african nations in this truck, with a pop up camper! he travels like this so he doesn't have to be 'put up" by local churches and can sustain himself. he was a gem. it was an honor to spend time with someone that has spent well over 50 years sharing the Good News.

just the outside of my room, looking at the pool.

next door to the college is a very famous and large AIDS clinic. i should remember its name, and the founders name, but he's been asked to travel the world to replicate the system going on down there.

ashley and her mom drove with us to visit friends in the area. she and i would go for walks together and love all the flowers and greenery!

colors!

i. love. this. photo. man alive. sometimes i am completely surprised i capture images like this. but i know i did. thinking about blowing it up and hanging it above my bed...

i know thats a lot of photos. but....it was a very full and good weekend!! i'm waiting for some photos tannie M is gonna send me. so maybe i'll have some more soon, who knows?!?!