why i love, loving

today could have been a very normal day.
today was a very normal day.
only, it has brought a smile to my face that won't
soon fade.

i drove the americans up to polokwane to get off the
farm and do "american" things.
i remember how desperate i was to get off the farm
last year and have some sort of
"normal" interactions.

so, to start off i thought we'd go hold some lion babies. like i did the very very first time i arrived here almost a year ago now:

and how i got my dad to do the same when he came.

it only seemed fitting to get them to do as we did. *smiles*

then, we planned on going down the road another 10 minutes to the mall.
polokwane is the capitol of the Limpopo province.
it houses the nearest movie theatre by 2 hours (its an hour away itself).
it also has a "mall."
by far, it is no american mall. but its better than nothing.

so that was the plan. also, between the lion ranch and a movie,
i planned to take them to Mugg & Bean....selfishly, because their coffee
is my favorite in this entire county.
in the whole country people! of course, i'll get it
ANY chance i have! *huge coffee induced weird smile*

well, at the ranch i was asked by a man to help him with his son. he specifically asked if i wouldn't mind holding his hand since with one of him and two little ones (4, & 2), he had his hands full. we had a fun conversation on the drive over to where the babies are so i said yes.
(i would have said yes even if we hadn't.)

i held ruan, the 4 year olds hand. then when we got back in the car, the littler one was crying bc he wanted to be with his dad but there wasn't space, so i just grabbed him and held him. he fell asleep. its about a 15 minute drive from the ranch's office and seating area, to the part where the lion babies are. sweet little baby pieter was out cold on me. we got back and i handed him down to his dad. the dad instantly was like, "please let me buy you a milkshake, its so hot and i am so thankful. and its the least i can do."

i was a little speechless. i mean, i've been thanked before for doing nice things.
but having a stranger want to buy me a shake for holding his child asleep...
thats a first!
i politely declined because i wanted to get the americans to the movie theatre in time to see a showing. he asked if i meant at savannah (savannah is the name of our "mall"). i said, yes (thinking to myself...uh, there isn't another movie theatre for 4 hours in any direction).
ps: our movie's are only $2.50 so its sorta nice its so far or i'd go ALL the time. even the "discount" theatre in the states charges more than that!

he said he was going too and would follow me and buy me a drink there. it was the least he could do. he also said he'd buy drinks for all of us, at which i felt better.

follow he did. we got our tickets, and headed to mugg & bean. he ate with us lunch and we had our drinks. he hit it off with all of us. even natalie engaged him in conversation.

turns out we have lots of little weird things in common. or maybe i wouldn't say "in common," but i understood what the heck he was talking about because i know other people here who've done similar things. he ended up watching the movie with us. where i again, held the baby and this time he slept about 2 hours.

{yes, family, i saw avatar. yes, family, i cried at the ending (so sweet and shocking and romantic! sigh...). and yes, family, i don't think i liked it. who is surprised?!?!}

poor guy. he's children were so sweet and kind. he was so kind as well. we had good conversation and actually i think we're gonna use him and some of his contacts for some research.

he moved up to this area 10 years ago. he is the manager at a larger cattle and potato farm. a little bit ago his wife left and filed for divorce because she didn't want to be living on the farm anymore. shame, man. i hate divorce.

i'm saying all of this to say that it felt so wonderful to minister life to him in such a practical way. it was obvious how tired he was with the boys and how starved for adult communication he was. all of us enjoyed him so. we kept whispering when he'd take someone to the bathroom or when we were driving how we felt we should be so creeped out by this guy "following" us all day, but he was so kind and with having two little ones himself, and we were a group of 5, we figured the chances of him pulling something were slim.

what a joy to hold a little one. i think i forgot because the boys in school are a "job" to me. this was such a sweet reminder that i love holding little ones, i love ministering to them, and whispering prayers and scripture verses over them. it was so nice to be Jesus to someone today. i simply love loving others. nothing fills me with more joy than seeing something i can do or say or be so someone else feels refreshed and loved. i love loving. period.
............................
also, yesterday, being in the FRONT row, dead center at a real super 14 rugby game was probably the highlight of my year. all thanks to richard, the best brother in SA, for the sweet hook up...and to all my boys in town for letting me and sunette and bethany tag along on what was gonna be their boy day. ahhhh photos and TONS of video footage to come tomorrow :)
i. love. rugby.
......................
also, i need to be healthy. i'm pretty sick. sick enough that i should really go to the doctor tomorrow if i don't wake up a lot better. :(
all prayers are welcome and more than appreciated.
....................
oh! one more thing! last night driving home from the rugby game bethany and i came across a leopard.
a leopard, people!
LEOPARD!
in the wild, on my tar road. not 2 miles from my house!
ahhhhhhhh
it was probably the freakin coolest thing ever.
a leopard.
still can't believe it myself.
bet the coolest thing you see in your backyard is your pet dog!
muahahahahahahaha
ok, that was mean....but seriously,
my backyard is the coolest!

knowledge ?

i’ve felt a lot of

conviction

as well as a

pertinacious defiance

in my spirit

to know the Lord.

i think i just have felt for all i

know,

i really know 

nothing.

i think there is absolute merit in studying.

the bible mentions so often how it is

vital

and very

important

to study to find yourself 

approved (2 tim 2:15).

but it also says a lot how

knowledge

puffs up (1 Cor 8:1-3).

as well as describing

God

as a vast pool that will never be

quite

figured out.

i love learning.

i loved my 3 years of Greek in college.

loved how my assignments made me translate and

read from 

my greek bible

only.

i loved how it made me discover so much more

depth

to the words chosen by the original authors. 

english sometimes just

fails in communicating

and holding

the various nuances that words hold.

but english is the lingua franca so i am glad

its my 

heart language,

(ugly as it may sometimes seem to me.)

(to each his own. the boys in town think it sounds

like i sing whenever i speak. what?!?! how can english ever 

compare to the beauty of french? or spanish? or italian? i mean, they aren’t

named the romantic languages for nothing!)

ah, i digress....

what i mean, what i’m saying is that i love

learning.

i love it.

but i pray i never become someone 

who 

knows all the answers

about

everything.

because the more i study and come to a 

semblance 

of understanding, the more

i realize i’ll never 

fully understand. 

its a vulgar thought for me to 

believe, and

think that

because i received my bachelors in 

bible (and TESOL),

and i started

my masters in 

pastoral ministry

that i know the Lord.

oh! for sure, i know Him!

He’s the whisper in my heart 

and the steady sureness in my

being.

and i read about His working in history

and i live in His workings day in, and

day out.

but His ways are not mine, 

(which is both a glorious thought for most of humanity who i’d have

smite-d out in a moment of pms or a loss in any numerous athletic events. and a 

frustrating one for i’d so like to know how it is He is who He is),

and i don’t for the life of me

have the 

ability

to put a 

love 

so great into a 

humanity so 

depraved 

and disgusting.

and perhaps you are not so profane.

but i know myself, and i

am

very

needy of

atonement.

and just when i start to think i’m not

so bad,

it is those moments i need

His blood 

most.

its a hard line to walk when one so 

desires to 

know more.

sometimes i wonder if ancient monks

had something right.

there’s a mystic loveliness to simply

spending time praying and contemplating

and loving the Lord.

of course, i’d go nuts for loss of doing for the 

Lord.

i am, most of all a 

do-er, not

a 

sit-er.*

what is the magic formula for knowing and studying from those wiser than i

in the study and application of truth (be it parents, pastors, professors, children, et cetera),

and remaining innocent and humble and nonjudgemental.

is it an overall hunger for Truth? 

sometimes i think so.

sometimes

i think so because i want to believe that

i can always learn something from anyone (nay, everyone).

but reality is, it can’t be that. because i sometimes

have to fight to put on ears to listen

when someone is “teaching” who doesn’t have as many degrees as i do.

ah! prideful exasperation in me! 

no character trait drives me more crazy than 

pride.

no character trait haunts me more than that.

there must be a way for this equation to not be true.

studying + acquiring knowledge = pride.

but beside prayer and a constant 

repetition

of the Truth of how utterly

small and teeny tiny i am

i’ve yet to discover one.

but this year i want to know the Lord more.

i’m single. i have no children. i have no car right now.

i have no tv.

i have internet only on and off (currently off as i type this on pages and

save to upload later).

i have no one that lives with me distracting me for time

or laughter**

i have very little in the way of human hinderances keeping

me from

running.

i’ve set my heart to really see the Lord this year.

for all i have learned so far walking this life with Him

i realize i have so much yet to know. 

and even if i learn Him 24/7 365 the knowing or setting my heart to

know will not allow me

to know all of him, it will 

allow me to certainly know more.

to love more.

to grow in holiness more.

but i’ll still have more to 

discover and learn.

like a lady, the

Lord will always have more

to reveal, more thoughts 

to think, more secrets 

to admit, more romance 

to share. 

and i love a good secret,

and an adventure, and a 

friendship secured in a sweet

silent knowing and being.

and i want to live fully in this moment for 

this moment

is all i have. 

20 minutes from now i might not be.*** 

20 minutes ago i am no longer.

and as rebekah of mokopane, shikwaru farm, limpopo

province, south africa, teacher and shaper of little people,

live-er in a lapa, lover of reading and silliness and a

Christ follower, i want to love my Savior well.

and know him.

know him in his suffering and in his joy.

know him in his precepts and in his grace.

and i want to live out that learning for others.

so that all might love and know him more.

....and

in the process,

somehow remain humble.

*of course, i could sit for hour

upon hour 

and read, and write, and be...but then

i’d want to get dirty and work.

glory to God his conviction is rooting out

all(scratch that), almost all laziness from 

me and replacing it with a more

noble and holy passion.

**all of which are not evil or bad or wrong.

in fact, i need a very large dose of laughter

and communication with 

friends/roommates/family every day.

its just that sometimes i use those things as 

a 

distractor from pressing in to know the 

riches of the glories of the Lord. 

***obviously, if you’re reading this. i lived longer than 20 

minutes from writing it all down. for currently, right now,

the rain continues to pour, and it doesn’t look like

power, nor internet, nor phones will be restored for a long time.

so take “20 minutes” from whenever...

the point was to make a point, which was made.

sweet joeli girl

its amazing how life is going
on way
only to
instantly flip up on itself
and stop.
not even
necessarily change direction,
just stop all together.

its amazing
how
when something drastic occurs in
your life
time doesn't move at all.
or it moves to fast.
everything blurs together,
time blurs together,
there is no
time.

two years today was a very normal day.
i talked with my big sister in the morning. double checking
we were on for our
"ultrasound" date on thursday.
it was a tuesday afternoon.
normal. by all standards.
i spent the day teaching my little spanish students at school.
abi was doing the mom thing with seana.
all of us anticpating thursday ultrasound to find out
if baby number two would be a little
girl
or little boy.


she was a girl.
she was lovely.

i remember being at jordan's parents house.
which praise the Lord was less than 4 miles from the hospital.
i remember just arriving when my sister called
frantic
crying
barely understandable
telling me the doctors couldn't find a heartbeat.
where am i?
can i get to the hospital and watch seana?
and be there?
and over and over
"bek, they can't find the heartbeat..."
"they say the baby is gone..."
"bek, i don't...i can't....bek...."

tears stained my cheeks as i ran around the living room and kitchen
trying
to find my keys
and purse.
panic mode set in.

i got to the hospital.
found sean, abi and seana and then
took the little lady so sean and abi could go
for
ultrasounds
and other doctor things.

soon my parents arrived.
that was somewhere around 8.
the night faded in a blur from then on...
i remember sitting in the little chapel of womens & babies
and thinking
so many are destroying life and not even
caring and here is
my sister...
and for some reason her baby, sean's baby...
was
flown home.
i was angry.
angry that my sister's baby wasn't going to live to take its
first
breath.
why?!

it would be a long night. a long next day.
i remember not feeling or thinking.
but crying.
somehow, despite not feeling anything
tears still were a constant
companion.

i remember sean and abi having no choice but to deliver the baby.
let me tell you. i held abi's hand during seana's birth.
it was painful. but there was excitement and joy knowing
a little screaming child would come forth soon.

having to go through labor....
knowing, the precious baby you carried was
not going to scream or cry or coo
was agonizing.
for me.
i have yet to understand how my sister and sean made it
through the night.

the medicine they gave abi to induce her was what they give for an abortion.
it all made me sick.
i was revolted that not only mothers chose death over life
but
that the same agent of death was
what was being used
for my sister...

mom and dad told me at 4am to go home and sleep for a few hours.
they'd stay and i'd come back later.
i went home.
sat in the bathtub for
who knows how long.
sat on the floor for who knows how long.
watched the sun rise.
pleaded with God for a miracle....
for a wrong
diagnosis.

headed back to the hospital around 830.
abi and sean decided they wanted to be alone for the birth of their
second born.
so dad, mom and i sat in the waiting room for a bit.
the nurse came and got us...

another little girl.
another sweet niece.
Joeli Grace Dougherty.
Jo-from my mom's middle name: Jo
Eli-from sean's mom middle name: Elizabeth
grace after the women who helped raise mom, a second grandma.

21 weeks of life
requires a state approved
burial.
never in my life do i pray to have to watch a sibling
bury a child.

no parent should ever bury their child.

we should have shared a birthdate in the middle of
june.
we should have shared hugs, and kisses,
and a love for reading and playing outside.
we should have done
a lot
of things.

but all we shared was a gentle glance.
and i looked at her little delicate frame
and prayed that she'd freeze forever
in my mind
till i would finally hold her
in my arms. till i'd
finally
know her.

her sweet tiny hand and footprints are something i
look at a lot
and wonder over.
wondering if she'd have big brown eyes like seana.
or crystal blue ones like sadie now has.

i wonder if i'll ever not be upset i didn't know her.
if i'll be able to look at abi, look at the girls
and not think of the sister that is not present.

steven curtis, on his new cd has a song called "Heaven is the face."
steven lost a daughter too.
heaven is not only the face of my sweet joeli.
its the face of many others that i love too much that
left
too soon.
its also the face of HOPE.

and today, especially, i'm so grateful that I know,
and that i love, and
serve
a God who not only created this world and me and
joeli,
but a God who has promised to come back for me.
He's given me a Hope in seeing Joeli again and doing
all the things this auntie's heart has longed to do.

beautiful big sister the week before joeli died...

happy birthday up in Heaven, Joeli!
may you be kissed by Angels and
know you are loved on earth.

sean and abi...i have not stopped praying...
and i love you both.

Moira's an angel!

i am looking at my temporary resident visa. i now have every legal right in the the US and SA world to be here for over the next two years. i may come and go as i please.

what an answer to prayer. i can't even begin to tell you how relieved i am to be done and over with the home affairs office...

also, moira has spent most of the afternoon on the phone in pretoria and here to get my bank account figured out. by friday i'm told i'll be able to access my money. what a praise....

o dear goodness....

it makes me giddy from the thought.

since september i've had my "non-resident" account at a local bank. but through various circumstances i've never been able to access my money.

literally.

all my support has come in...and sat in the account.

i had to almost completed deplete my entire savings account in the US and use up some "fun" gift money my dad left when he was here to stay afloat. 

its been a constant run around with the management, getting letters and documents, all for nothing...

every once in awhile they would unfreeze a portion (less than $200, always) and i'd quickly withdraw and use it to pay back "loans" i've accumulated. but i've been told that come friday i should be not only a temporary resident but one with a useable bank account!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

........................................................................

if you had to pick one movie character to describe yourself who would you choose? my mom asked me recently to describe my friends here in movie terms so she could "know" them better and its been fun thinking of characters to relate to real friends. so.....is there a character you feel close to? who? and why?!?!

(i'm still thinking of one for myself...)

...........................................................

the boys were sick this past weekend and still are...today it is headed my way with a vengeance. its amazing to me with how healthy i am now (compared to a few years ago), how easily i still can catch anything...but at least i don't "start" things anymore. i am very dizzy and walking into walls and hate talking from the pain in my throat. pray i wake up refreshed. thanks :)

Post american world vol. 2

ok, okay! before i tell you about this book that i LOVED let me tell you what i did sunday night and
how yesterday filled me with refreshment.

so this american family just moved to the farm. i'm sure i'll write more about them later. its funny having americans here. makes me realize how "un-american" i am in my thinking and the way i dress and what i care about. i wouldn't necessarily say i am south african, i'm just a mish mash of random places. however, it has amazed me how much i have assimilated (already! its only been 7 months!?!) into the south african way of thinking, and speaking, and relating to others. even the boys from town said i have lost my american accent and am beginning to sound like them!
(secretly, this thought made me very giddy!)
guess its not a secret anymore.... *smiles*

anyway, i drove us into church sunday night. they are all fighting jet lag pretty fierce still. it sorta surprises me, but they have an extra 3 hours on me since they are from Washington state so it makes sense. anyway, i forgot to get gas when we left town. i knew we'd make it to the farm fine, and i knew we'd get back to town another day but that would be close. very close.

well the kids were sleeping and bethany (the nanny with them for the first month) was asking me lots of questions. in between answering her questions and constantly thinking and viewing the gas gauge i completely missed the turn onto our tar road.
{background information: when you leave my farm, you have about 2-3 miles of dirt driveway road. then you have a ten minute drive on a "tar road" that is named the Sterkrivier (pronounced stock-re-fee). then a 20 minute drive on the big road: the R101.}
so by the time i realized i had missed the Sterkrivier turn off I was about 8 minutes further down the road. at this point i had two options. because of gas i either would have to turn around and go ALL the way back to Mokopane, or continue on the R101 for another 20 minutes till I hit the next town and gas station. I decided to keep going. By the time we got gas and got back to the farm, it had been over an hour of extra driving.  I felt so stupid.
BUT a massive joy and praise is that the Lord "snapped" me out of my wallowing in less than a day over this!!
i rarely have moments of slipping into what i call "bad" thoughts anymore, and the only time i do is when i do something stupid like this, that though it is a common and simple mistake, it sets off old memories.
i don't know why, but as soon as something like this happens that i feel i should not have done, the devil just instantly brings up things jordan would say about me and my ability to do and just be. which then makes me feel like a failure and even though i recognize this is what's happening it still is hard to tell myself i'm not a failure of a human. seriously, i felt so bad and guilty over missing this turn. i wanted to crawl into a hole and not come out. i had very real plans of wanting to call off work the next morning and just run away so i didn't have to explain to anyone how i could do something so careless.
(before all of the degradation from jordan i would have felt bad, but after apologizing gotten over it and not given it another thought. i guess this would be score one for abuse's continuing affect on my life...)

score 80 million though for the Lord speaking to my heart through his Word and Thomas Watson.
i am reading one of Watson's books and i can't tell how his writing on grace and forgiveness and the pleasure of the Lord for his Beloved blessed me. normally it would take me a week or two to snap out of feeling so stupid and incapable (and it occurs now about once ever 2 months or so. HUGE progress alone, right there!). but this time it was less than 24 hours till the Lord spoke peace and grace and worth back into me.

i can honestly say right now i don't care at all that i missed the turn off or that i made these poor americans stay up an hour later or anything. wooo hooo!!! His Healing is more than enough for me!
.........
ok, so back to this book! O DEAR GOODNESS! I really think EVERY American and nonamerican needs to read it.
I can't tell you how right on it is.
it doesn't bash America, nor does it glorify America.
Zakaria, is from India but immigrated to the US in the early 80s. He works at CNN and is a democrat, but, very critical of both parties failures and shortcomings.
Mom and Dad, he even talked positively about the war in Iraq, supporting it but also being very honest about how a few differences should be made to make it a success. just an fyi *smiles*

i am what i would call a disgruntled american. i think its because i've traveled so much and seen how the pride of americans is viewed around the world.

This book restored my pride in my country. I'm NOT EVEN JOKING!
it made me hopeful that America can continue to be used of the Lord around the world, it made me hopeful that maybe the little steps needed will be made to create a more balanced system of economics and politics. It also made me proud of other countries and how across the globe there is growth.

it was full of information and knowledge and i can't even begin to unpack that all here. However, i really really really recommend it to everyone. it is an easier read in the sense that it the language is understandable. it is full of statistics and is written from a love of America. I just feel very joyful in being born where i am and having the resources I have at my fingertips and the freedom.

Zakeria talks about "the rise of the rest" and that it isn't the "american system" is crumbling but that other countries are finally capitalizing on their potential. he uses history of many nations and empires (which i LOVE because i really do feel history just is in a constant "repetition" of itself). he also does character studies of India and China and how they are growing and why. He talks about England and how they lost their world domination in the late 1800s...it is just such a fascinating historical/geographical/economical/political and social book. wow. i loved it.

good good book. read it.
k, thats all!
*smiles*

i'm alive...just sleep

eish man.

eish is the common phrase for just about everything here.

i say it more than probably necessary.

i'm processing through AIDS.

on saturday i found out one of my friends from town just died. i don't know that she died form AIDS, but i am 99% sure she did...

its one thing when the statistics talk about it destroying a generation, its a whole other ball game when you actually know someone who died from the disease. like someone you saw once a week who made your fruit smoothie for you and helped you carry your bags to the car. someone who would give you a hug and laugh with you. that sort of knowing....

i just finished writing a song. i started it in the fall of 08 when i was driving across the appalachian mountains.
i've always been of the belief you don't "force" a song. lyrics & melody should flow out of you. its as if your heart needed to speak to breathe to create and it just so happened your fingers were the instrument of escape.
whenever i get a generous donation i'm putting it all into buying a real keyboard. one that has a pedal and more than 4 octaves. but for now, i am happy and content with what i have.
really.
ok, not fully....but i'm working on it!

i do so want to share on the post-american world book i just need more time and mental thinking to unplug it.

today i finished 3 books. i told my dad, and now you all, that i didn't start them all today.
i just happen to always be in the middle of roughly 3-10 books. it so happens today i finished 3. i was then in the middle of 6 books, but that wasn't enough and i wanted something different so i started two more new ones.
i'm such a sick person.
*smiles*

it rained like crazy today. the lightening and thunder is one of my favorite things about summer here.
my uncle dave, cousins quinn and ethan and my sister abi (as well as myself) have a little fb family feud going on. it has been the funniest thing ever.

last night i did something so stupid. i'm not even ready to admit it on the internet. it really got me down. (thats a long story).
the point is, somehow today i realized in my heart in a fresh way that His grace is sufficient for me and that i'm not really stupid.

ooooooo Grace hold me tighter to Your side tonight....

"post american world?!"

perfect is adorable. he and i have been mostly alone all week. now that johanno goes to swimming lessons in town with his brother, i only have those two brothers two times a week. my other boys are on holiday still. so perfect and i hang out. i am amazed at how MUCH he is leaning and has learned. he came to the creche in the middle of Sept last year and he can count easily to 10 and knows his entire alphabet already.
well, he either knows the name or the sound of his alphabet. 
he's my little comrade. 
when he gets his work done, he knows i'll let him play on my lap with Photo Booth.

i think its good for me to have this special one-on-one time with him. i loved perfect but he was my most hyper and hard to control boy. i think we've had good moments together that will help when other boys start coming again more.

this is a bit scary to me...its the x-ray feature. weird. i hope the fact that my teeth are black is a good thing?!?! i better call my uncle bobby the dentist and find out!

how can that little smile not melt you?!?

perfect kept saying (ok, more like screaming): "bekah, you are GREEN!"

weird weird weird.
and OH, so much fun!

...........................
i have so many photos to post when i was home. 
i'll never catch up.
and i never had my camera with me all the time like i should have so....
poop on me.
(whatever.)

sarah, abi, myself and sarah's kids had a fun little photo shoot in the living room.
elizabeth took the photos till we realized she had inadvertently cut off our heads. 
to self timer, we went!

what fun to all be together again! love you both big sisters :)
....................
i am reading probably one of the most enlightening and comprehensive and hopeful book in a LONG time. It has inspired me and caused me to think and reflect and gotten this brain going...and i felt my brain was going a lot before! *smiles*


The Post-American World by Fareed Zakaria
Geez i am so blown away by the conclusions he draws and the way he weaved history together; displaying how the social, cultural, economical, political, geographical and religious aspects of nations affect their rise to power and ability to yield their power. 


edit: it is late. brother and i (and the family!) are skyping. i must go...but i will for sure write about this book tomororw. it is amazing!

joy (ful)

as i'm about to fall asleep can't help but feel joyful.
there's been a smile on my face and heart all day (night).
i have a boss who appreciates me and enjoys the work i do.
parents who aren't surprised their students learn in my class (they didn't know me last year! ahahahaha)
a new family from america who is living on the farm till aug.
a possible car to get this weekend.
a real rugby game in a week.
a friend to skype with.
a sister to skype with and a 7 month old niece who thinks i am amazing and hysterical.
a mom who welcomed the 21st century in with getting gmail chat.
the internet and phones are back online after the storm.
i just cleaned my place (way to ruin me, melissa).
i have clean sheets on my bed.
tomorrow is a surprise party for fritzy in town.

i really am happy here. in this moment i'm very full.

little niece, Seana

beautiful little girl!

yesterday was one little miss Seana Jane's birthday. to say i was sad to be celebrating overseas is an understatement. it just wasn't the same as being back home....

i can remember so vividly being in the middle of an audition for a play when my phone rang. the second i was done reading lines i zipped over to women's and babies. no rush....seana would "hang" out for MANY more hours....

abi broke one of my favorite ring i purchased for myself overseas. i mean, it was less than a doller, but it was amber and lovely and from morocco. 

seana was worth it.

i never knew i could love something i wasn't physically attached to....i never knew i could car so much about something so incredibly tiny.

i've always felt abi and i are more twins then sisters. i guess its because we have shared so much growing up. 

i never was in more wonderment and awe at my sister. 

she was created to be a mother. i have never met anyone that differs in that regard.

she was never more lovely....and i've always thought her exquisite and lovely and rare looking.

but seeing her hold her daughter and kiss her husband....

i didn't sleep that night. i was all revved up.

i became an aunt.

aunt bebek.

four years ago (yesterday) my sweet little Seana Jane entered this world.

such a delight. 

i love you, seana!!

*following photos from Marcia Good. if interested: email, marciagood2@gmail.com. she's my best friend and using photography to raise money to minister in germany to a minority group*

hello family of warthogs...

i went out on saturday for a run...i ran into a family of warthogs. here is a snapshot of my mind during that time...
........
as i ran a few days ago i listened to this cd. i've ALWAYS loved Steven. one of the benefits of growing up in the 90s was the advent of ccm. michael, amy, and steven were like my best buddies. literally. phil, keith and randy weren't "my" friends but my parents...anyway....i digress...


steven wrote all of these in the months following the death of his daughter, on accident, by his one son. talk about tragedy. every song is a portrait of God's grace. it is real...and it is lovely and i wish it came out 3 years ago. anyway...buy it for yourself or someone you know who's experienced brokenness and pain.


as steven sang to me...i ran....


“putting ASIDE everything that inhibits....i run...i reach...i beat my body...i fight my mind....i do away with everything that stops me from getting to you...”*

in between getting stared down by a momma warthog and then chased down by her babies my chest heaved and tears streaked down my face as my heart pounded.

probably from a combination

of running

and

breaking.

i feel very full. very emotionless and very needy today. (this was all sat)

my heart is a thousand places but inside my body. 

its with my friends the Hollands** who’s three year old boy was just diagnosed with leukemia. 

its with haiti.

its with my friends who’s family and friends were killed when the earthquake struck haiti.

its with my many friends in the long process of adoption.

its with my family at home...with siblings who write emails making me cry, a mother

not able to do anything from surgery and a father who loves much.

its with a family who many years ago this month lost there precious baby boy.

its with my own sweet niece who will celebrate her second birthday this month, only

up in Heaven with Jesus and angles rather then down here on earth with her parents and family.

my heart is thinking of an ex-husband and wondering where his heart is and if he is letting Jesus heal all his wounds and even make all his wounds visible...

its with girlfriends who i can’t hug and cry with and who i love dearly.

its with knowing my two nieces will grow up and not really know their aunt.

my heart beats close to friends who've made stupid choices and are now, paying with their lives.

it is full of knowing i'm meant to be here and not a million other places i could so easily follow my heart to.

how can the heart break? a thousand ways. a million times over and over.

i am overwhelmed with wanting to be at home (not pa home. Heaven home) and not here. even though i am actually in this moment, very happy and content being here. i just long for my savior. 

to be in His presence.

just to feel the Sonshine as it warms my heart. just to feel it creep into every crevice of my being until i am alive. o to see how it all fits together. to be able to give him everything i’ve stored up for him. to see him smile at me...to SEE him smile at me. and know its all ok. i’m ok...

1. am. ok.

but i’m not there yet. i’m still here. still fighting the destruction of dreams and what it means to dream new dreams. still figuring out what it means to live in another country on my own. still dealing with hurt and pain and emotions i don’t like.

i’m already there and not yet. 

and 

he is already there and here too.

he’s with me.
oh, He is with me!

and i just want to be with him. nothing matters to me. nothing matters. i don’t care about the pain i still feel so easily, or the way i don’t feel it hardly ever, i don’t care about not ever seeing my family or american

friends again....i just want to see him.

i want to see him.

i want to know that it is all worth it.

to feel his hug and his love fill me.

i couldn't help but be filled with these thoughts as i was running. though these feelings aren't dominating my heart today as strong as they were then, i still just ache to be home.

i don't think i'll ever be one of those Christian's who can just rest. For better or worse, i'm a learner and a fighter. i can't just accept things on face value. i've never been able to do that. i always have to test them. to see them prove their worth, their value. i wish sometimes i could just reveal in the fact that I am His and He is mine...but usually those moments are few and far between. and i'm trying to figure out how to explain Him to others...how to explain Him to myself. the more i grow up the more i realize how pitiful i am. how needy i am. how desperate i am for him.

i think that is why i hunger for Him and simply being with Him so much. to me, Heaven will be a place where Rebekah's mind can stop trying to figure everything out and just be.

i'm looking forward to my coming Sabbath day of rest. i need it more than i realized even this morning. i need to get better at taking things to Jesus and then leaving them there. NOT to pick them back up again...i need to learn how to not take everything so personally and feel everything that others are feeling so deeply. yes, yes...it would be good if somehow i could snap my fingers together and pray and care but not ache so much. this heart is achy from being broken in a million ways alongside a million friends.
.............................
*this is the "rebekah" summary and combination of many passages of scripture. Here, here, and here, were the main ones that were in my mind.

**Please join me in praying for sweet Conner. His father, Kevin, was like a big brother to me and my sister growing up. Driving us places when it wasn't "cool" to drive with mom and dad...and just building into us worth and value. My heart breaks knowing Conner is fighting Leukemia in his little 3 year old body. Pop over to their site and just leave one (or many!) notes telling them you are praying. I'd really appreciate it. Thank you!

(here is a photo of Conner from a few months ago; beautiful, beautiful boy)