on way
only to
instantly flip up on itself
and stop.
not even
necessarily change direction,
just stop all together.
its amazing
how
when something drastic occurs in
your life
time doesn't move at all.
or it moves to fast.
everything blurs together,
time blurs together,
there is no
time.
two years today was a very normal day.
i talked with my big sister in the morning. double checking
we were on for our
"ultrasound" date on thursday.
it was a tuesday afternoon.
normal. by all standards.
i spent the day teaching my little spanish students at school.
abi was doing the mom thing with seana.
all of us anticpating thursday ultrasound to find out
if baby number two would be a little
girl
or little boy.
she was a girl.
she was lovely.
i remember being at jordan's parents house.
which praise the Lord was less than 4 miles from the hospital.
i remember just arriving when my sister called
frantic
crying
barely understandable
telling me the doctors couldn't find a heartbeat.
where am i?
can i get to the hospital and watch seana?
and be there?
and over and over
"bek, they can't find the heartbeat..."
"they say the baby is gone..."
"bek, i don't...i can't....bek...."
tears stained my cheeks as i ran around the living room and kitchen
trying
to find my keys
and purse.
panic mode set in.
i got to the hospital.
found sean, abi and seana and then
took the little lady so sean and abi could go
for
ultrasounds
and other doctor things.
soon my parents arrived.
that was somewhere around 8.
the night faded in a blur from then on...
i remember sitting in the little chapel of womens & babies
and thinking
so many are destroying life and not even
caring and here is
my sister...
and for some reason her baby, sean's baby...
was
flown home.
i was angry.
angry that my sister's baby wasn't going to live to take its
first
breath.
why?!
it would be a long night. a long next day.
i remember not feeling or thinking.
but crying.
somehow, despite not feeling anything
tears still were a constant
companion.
i remember sean and abi having no choice but to deliver the baby.
let me tell you. i held abi's hand during seana's birth.
it was painful. but there was excitement and joy knowing
a little screaming child would come forth soon.
having to go through labor....
knowing, the precious baby you carried was
not going to scream or cry or coo
was agonizing.
for me.
i have yet to understand how my sister and sean made it
through the night.
the medicine they gave abi to induce her was what they give for an abortion.
it all made me sick.
i was revolted that not only mothers chose death over life
but
that the same agent of death was
what was being used
for my sister...
mom and dad told me at 4am to go home and sleep for a few hours.
they'd stay and i'd come back later.
i went home.
sat in the bathtub for
who knows how long.
sat on the floor for who knows how long.
watched the sun rise.
pleaded with God for a miracle....
for a wrong
diagnosis.
headed back to the hospital around 830.
abi and sean decided they wanted to be alone for the birth of their
second born.
so dad, mom and i sat in the waiting room for a bit.
the nurse came and got us...
another little girl.
another sweet niece.
Joeli Grace Dougherty.
Jo-from my mom's middle name: Jo
Eli-from sean's mom middle name: Elizabeth
grace after the women who helped raise mom, a second grandma.
21 weeks of life
requires a state approved
burial.
never in my life do i pray to have to watch a sibling
bury a child.
no parent should ever bury their child.
we should have shared a birthdate in the middle of
june.
we should have shared hugs, and kisses,
and a love for reading and playing outside.
we should have done
a lot
of things.
but all we shared was a gentle glance.
and i looked at her little delicate frame
and prayed that she'd freeze forever
in my mind
till i would finally hold her
in my arms. till i'd
finally
know her.
her sweet tiny hand and footprints are something i
look at a lot
and wonder over.
wondering if she'd have big brown eyes like seana.
or crystal blue ones like sadie now has.
if i'll be able to look at abi, look at the girls
and not think of the sister that is not present.
steven curtis, on his new cd has a song called "Heaven is the face."
steven lost a daughter too.
heaven is not only the face of my sweet joeli.
its the face of many others that i love too much that
left
too soon.
its also the face of HOPE.
and today, especially, i'm so grateful that I know,
and that i love, and
serve
a God who not only created this world and me and
joeli,
but a God who has promised to come back for me.
He's given me a Hope in seeing Joeli again and doing
all the things this auntie's heart has longed to do.
beautiful big sister the week before joeli died...
may you be kissed by Angels and
know you are loved on earth.
sean and abi...i have not stopped praying...
and i love you both.
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