Casey Marie its your birthday!

yeah buddy! today is your birthday beautiful sister!!

 i'm so glad that 10 of your last birthdays have been celebrated as part of our family! i wish the first nine were as well, but i'll take what i can get and i'm so glad you chose us and we chose you!!

i love going on our favorite rides at disney world together. i love the heart you have for your friends. the compassion and care you put into your relationships is staggering. i love how every single time i'm feeling down or discouraged you seem to have "radar" and send me a quick email or text message and brighten my day.

seeing you love on orphans in Guatemala will forever be one of my favorite memories of you. in a way i'll never ever be able to love and understand and pray; you can. casey, you more than me or abi or any of us are able to relate and share the freedom and love and true "adoption" as God's beloved children with others. never forget you have such a calling and responsibility on your life to share that hope with others!! not only did we choose you, but He did first.

(both of my birthday sisters)

i love that we're the most similar sisters. you understand me. abi and nattie can be the goof balls and we can just sit contentedly on the sofa with our books watching them. peas in a pod, we are.

love that you enjoy having me share your bedroom and bed when i come visit home. love that we stay up most of the night talking and laughing (quietly of course...), and reading books in bed. ahhhhhh i love that i can share whats on my heart and you listen and care and keep my secrets. that's what sisters are for; they are secret keepers.

love your sense of jewelry style and all your boots!

girl, you rock the boots! *huge grin*

(felt like tasha was getting left out...love all my pretty sisters...oooo and just noticed i love all of our hair color in this too. since you girls change it up so much. this is how i prefer it, no matter what mom says....*smiles*)

casey, i'm so glad that you are part of this family. i love you. i love the freckles on your nose, your long lovely eyelashes, i love your car (hahhahaha), your music (well, not miley and the jonas boys)...

for all the years i was silly and missed out on you, i'm sorry. i'll take a hundred more birthdays to celebrate you as i wish i did the first few years you lived with us...o how gracious God has been to move in both our hearts and cause real sisterly love to grow!!!

YOU'RE SUCH A GIFT!

(for good measure i had to include this...why did i ever dye my hair brown?!?! what is up with both of us, we look like freaks?!?! *smiles*)

casey girl. i love you. this is your last teenage year of life. next year you're gonna be a big girl.

may this be your sweetest year yet!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

my only big sister is 25 today.

today is my big sisters birthday. i can't believe she is a quarter century today!

that means i'm getting older too.

isn't she lovely too? i took this shot literally hours before she had sadie baby this past June. i'm praying the hot gene is flowing in me too when i get pregnant and have kids someday.

In so many ways I feel like we're closer to twins then sisters. we're so close in age its crazy...but we're so different in almost every way. we look nothing alike unless i straighten my hair. and even then, you abi, are all dad, and i am all mom....

for once i'm the one with the silly face in  a photo. such a rare occasion i had to share...

i love my brother-in-law too. i always wanted an older brother. someone to pick on me. someone to give me a hug when i'm down. someone to help me understand abi when she is crazy (hahhaha). basically, sean is the best thing ever. i'm so glad my sister picked a good man. after 5 years, they are still hot, huh?

my sister is probably the craziest person i know. nobody loves laughter and zannyness more then she does. i can't tell you how often abi got me to put on a ridiculous outfit and parade around town in it. or dress up in some crazy get-up for the millionth home video. we have some AMAZING home videos, thanks, sister...

i learned to write music form watching and listening to you pour out your heart on the piano. my ear for a melody and catchy hook is from all the songs you've written. i love your songs and your poems too. you're so incredibly gifted. you taught me how to apply make-up and do my hair. and i've dressed you and made you cool. *smile*

you've given me three of the biggest little balls of sunshine i know. having a niece named after me is something so marvelous and humbling i don't even know where to begin. someone (my sister!) named her baby after me and grandma....i can't wrap my mind around that. holding seana and sadie and seeing them giggle brightens my day like nothing else. and sweet joeli grace makes me long for heaven and to finally hold her in my arms. i love all your little girls and can't believe you're a mom. it seems like you're still pretending you are my mom and dressing me and our pretend babies...

you're one of the strongest women i know. i know few people who've had such physical and emotional pain to process through and take to Jesus. but time and time again i see you run to him and because of that, i can't give up either. thank you for chasing Jesus so hard.

i love you, abi.

i hope today is wonderful for you.

know you are cherished and i'm so glad you are mine!

happy happy birthday!

 

nightmare

today one of my nightmares happened.

one of the boys was brought to me with blood dripping down his head and coating his face.
poor calvin was crying so hard and frantic it was difficult at first to figure out where he was bleeding to even get it stopped.
eventually after just holding him tight for a few seconds he calmed down enough to let me start cleaning him off.
i found the cut.
just about his brow bone, where his hairline meets his forehead.
poor thing.
it wasn't super deep or super big,
but it was the perfect spot to cause lots of blood.

doesn't matter the color of your skin,
we all bleed red.

when the pressure finally allowed the wound to stop bleeding for a bit, i cleaned it up.
this involved the cleaning of his entire head and face as well as most of his arms and hands.
poor little guy.
he was so brave.
i know that antiseptic stuff burns like a mother.
he barely flinched and didn't cry at all after a few moments of being in my arms when i first saw him.
so brave.

the rest of the morning was sorta shot for him, and therefore the rest of us.
i was pre-occupied worrying over him. watching for swelling, making sure it wasn't a concussion, and wouldn't you know i had a headache within a few moments of seeing him hurt.
my empathy levels are WAY too high and always kick in rather quickly.

i tired him with a blanket to my back and excused him from all activites for the rest of the day.
he stuck to my side for a long time. after lunch he finally started playing but was never up to his normal level of activity and energy.
he's normally my most (to be politically correct) "active" child.

i had to change his bandage 3 times he kept bleeding through them all....
let me tell you...i need a lot more practice till i can be a mom.
if i feel so bad over one of my little students being hurt, i don't know how i'll manage if i ever have a child that is injured.

isn't he so cute when he's mid laugh?

say a prayer for my sweet calvin boy. and for this teacher.
we both need it today.

good times, indeed

it all started with a car ride. like a lot of transport here, we rode in the back. Lo and I put our hoodies up because we hadn't sprayed sunblock yet; also, it was sorta chilly with all the wind; and, our hair drove us crazy.

hahaha i love these next two photos, but especially this first one when we weren't posing.

we felt like we were gangsters and kept dropping gang signs. (we had just the day before watched a discovery channel thing on the crips and blood gangs, which was crazy...and carried over)

we drove up the mountain, then parked and walked a bit till we saw this.

we found the spot we were looking for *big
smile!*

the water was chilly (nothing like paradise though,) but it felt so refreshing from the heat...

the boys had fun jumping off this cliff. i, for once, didn't feel the need to do it too. i had just as good a time diving in from a little ways up.

lauren and i swam to the waterfall. we were quite proud of ourselves.

if you look close in the above photo you can see fritzy's legs to lo's left. he gave us a hand up (the rocks were slippy). we told him to get in a photo with us, he then obliged us

this place was so lovely and relaxing i can't even begin to describe how nice it was. i could have just sat and taken photos all day long...

after the boys had their fill of jumping and they got lauren and i to finally get in after about 40 minutes of coaxing (it was cold, and we just enjoyed the beauty of the place, ok?), we walked further downstream to a big king swing. we saw this on the way....

you can see the dark clouds in the distance. it was thundering like crazy and i was a little worried we'd get stuck where we were bc the road was so poor. ok, for about 20 minutes i was very panicky, but then i started to have to much fun and relaxed.

i love how small, fran, lo, and fritzy look next to the cliff. ahhh it was so lovely.

the boys would pull the swing up much higher on the waterfall to swing from, but i didn't trust my arms to hold me that long, and figured this was high enough to go from :)

letting go....

and from there on, the fun began. only i don't have the photos. yet.....

franna, shawn, nathan and i tore away to go explore the caves even further down river. lauren and fritz didn't want to walk barefoot and weren't keen on bat infested caves, so they stayed to guard the bags.

we had to swim across this swimming hole with the swing. we then walked through the shallow river water, or up on the rocks for the next two hours exploring... the first cave we came to was the scariest.

let me describe it for you.

imagine:

the smell of rotten eggs and a boys locker room,

combined with

bat pooh coating every available surface of the ground,

throw in a little darkness for good measure.

don't forget sharp rocks jutting out from the water.

also, at the very end of the tunnel an unpassable problem.

the problem was a 20 foot swim to the exit through dark murky water. i'm not even kidding.

we tried to spider climb along the walls to get out.

not possible.

the only way out was to jump in the murkiness and swim for all your might.

nathan went first. so proud of him.

i literally started to get teary eyed though watching him knowing i had to do it too.

but just before the tears really started to flow i pulled myself together. i figured none of the boys would appreciate nor sympathzie with my fear. 

so for their sake (and also, so they wouldn't tease me), i stopped the silent tears.

sometimes the only way to go is forward, no matter how scary and gross it seems.

i couldn't stay in that cave. not with all the bats, and the smell; no, no, not alone either.

i had to go forward into the water.

swimming out of that cave was terrible. but knowing i'd have to swim

into it later on to get home was worse. *shudders...*

we all managed to do it though. could've been the fastest i have ever swam.

the second cave was very terrifying for a bit, but then ended up being my favorite.

it was more like a giant tube. the water's bottom was sand here and it felt SO GOOD on my little feet.

about half way through, we spotted foot prints on the bottom.

cat prints.

leopard prints.

leopard footprints, fresh leopard foot prints.

after what seemed like eternity, but was more likely

1 minute, the panic that a leopard was close by passed.

it was so cool to see tracks like that. live. that we stumbled on.

crazy wonderful....

the third cave was fun because we had to climb down a waterfall (and back up later) to get to it.

i felt like jane (you know, tarzan and jane) so much.

of course, just when i thought i was all clear i took a step and slipped and slide down the water a bit.

i just can't make any trek without falling on my bum.

what a relaxing weekend. so needed and lovely.

hopefully soon, the boys will email photos to me and i'll post them from our caving expeditions.

i just didn't want to deal with my camera.

i simply knew i would fall and it would get wet and ruined.

better to trust the boys to email me their photos then take my own *smile*

also, there is a hilarious video from the second cave that hopefully at some point i'll share.

hahhahaahaa...

o i love being in the mountains!!

the boys sometimes melt me....

a few days ago it happened once. i thought it was a sporadic event, but it made a reappearence today and is killing me so i had to share! i hope it translates well via interweb blogging :)

the boys are learning English at a very fast rate. i'm not surprised at all.
but, they still have so much
yet to learn.

they've mastered "toilet, please bekah" when they need to go to the restroom.
but they have realized i won't always let them go to the bathroom in the school house.

i know, i know, i'm a terrible teacher.
but when i'm alone with them, i can't leave 5 to roam outside while i take the one inside.
and by trial (and error!) learned that if i let one go inside alone, a wonderful hot mess will await me when i do go inside.

so i've sorta started letting the boys go behind a tree outside if its just me and them. ahhh its so shameful to admit this online, but i need you to understand where their thinking is coming from to appreciate what they now do...

so back to the story....

they know they won't be allowed to use the toilet inside, but i guess perfect decided to use his little naughty mind because next thing i know he's saying:

"bekah, bekah, THIS one. this one, toilet, bekah. this one"

now, just imagine everytime he said "this" he smacked himself on the butt. hahahahhaahah
he's so stinkin cute its funny. i love how they have used the little English they have to communicate their needs to me. its adorable...

also, you know (if your a parent or teacher) that it is way harder to be the one disciplining then the child. it hurts us more and costs us more. its so difficult to be steady and consistent and dang it, i hate punishing the boys.
but its necessary. the kids respond SO much better with checks and balances and it just allows the day to be cohesive and flow.
they really are wonderful 90% of the time, but sometimes they are a little to aggressive or just outright naughty.

well, today i had to spank one of the boys. it was awful because he wouldn't admit he lied.
(normally the boys are quick to admit their guilt. somehow in my mind it makes it easier).
well, he instantly broke down into little sobs and just cried "sorry bekah....sor-sor-sorrry bekah" over and over.
it made me cry too...
it was so repentant and sorrowful and i just engulfed him in one long hug.
its so hard for me to know if i am getting across to them the idea of repenting and restoration. i try so hard to communicate via my actions that "this is bad" but once they know that, to let them know "but, you are ok. you are good" you aren't bad, just your behavior. its so hard when they don't fully understand what i'm saying......
sigh....
they can be so naughty in moments but their little emotive tears just melt me.

this little guy is stinkin cute, eh?

he also happens to be my puker. and pee-er. can't tell you how often i've had to go change and shower and come back to work. all i know is its happened enough i've come to not even care or change.
wow. did i just admit that? thats gross...i need to get a life and continue to change my clothes!

as per usual, he did not disappoint me today. within a few moments of his momma leaving, he got himself so worked up he lost whatever he had in his little belly. poor kid. he's gotta grow out of it at some point...

......................................................................................

also, i'm just extremely grateful the past few days that my God is emotional and strong and passionate and a fighter.

i love the poem "testing tree" by stanley kunitz. i love the last few lines so much:

"the heart breaks and breaks and lives by breaking. it is necessary to go through dark and deeper dark and not to turn..."

wouldn't it be a great opening sentence in a fairy tale? just those words and then a wonderful saga would commence....beautifulness....

doesn't it sound like something right from the bible too?

i think sometimes the reason

i love Jesus so much

is He just understands so well all the ways i'm broken.

when i feel like no one understands what its like to be

betrayed and rejected

by the one closest to you, i just remember what judas and peter did and i'm instantly filled with warmth knowing He knows exactly the ways

my heart hurts.

we really are comforted to be a comfort to others.

2 corinthians 1:3-7 reminds me again and again that God is the God of all my comfort and He's given to me so i can give to others.

it sickens me that there are other women who've been hurt and abused at the hands of evil men.

i love how God is a warring God.

not bloodthirsty but righteous. and

i think i've been realizing how time and time again He defends the weak.

seeks to purge what is evil in the land.

bestows his strength, his spirit, on others so they might live in freedom.

like william wallace. he wasn't "nice" but wild and passionate and committed beyond anything else...

he was also tender and nurturing of those he loved.

and he lived.

he lived and laughed and

so does my sweet Jesus.

he picked fights when he needed,

he touched the hopeless women,

he spoke with the outcast,

he cleansed the leper,

he lived fully alive and full of passion and i'm just so glad for the full range of his emotions today.

because i want to be touched and fought for today and defended.

and believed in.

isn't it wonderful He's all that i need and more.....

yippie

these are all a little self-deprecating. but i've always been of the opinion that self-deprecation is good in small (or large) does here and there.
also, i feel like they are such a full depiction of so many sides to me it would be a shame to my best friends and family not share.
i mean, i live with this face and see it too often in the mirror, but sadly they do not.

so, enjoy familia :)

on saturday i was supposed to sky-dive. only the weather wasn't super friendly so it was canceled. however, on the way, there is an awesome graveyard leah has wanted to check out for a long time so we stopped. by the way, how wonderful that leah, lo, and kelly came to watch and support me in jumping?!?! :)

while there, i spotted an awesome tree that just called my name.

it literally said: "bekah, you know how you long to climb me. so, come please and say hello."

i mean, how can you refuse that?

so i started my climb

and it didn't take much effort to reach the first ridge.

i felt pretty good. for a few moments i just sat and lived there, in that moment for a bit.

i'm not sure where this face started becoming part of my repertoire of faces, but its the exact face my 3 year old niece makes. and that is scary!!

 after i posed for a few cheesy shots, i decided to take a glance at what i planned next. i planned to go out on the brance like a balancing beam.

but i noticed its very high off the ground.

you can start to see the glimmers of terror rise in my face.

so much uncertainty and doubt....

the baby emerges!

i feel like this is such a common face my friends see. i'll try something thinking i'm all brave and tough and made of stone, and then i panic and turn to mush and realize i can't do it.

o! this is the most humiliating of them all!!!

again, after a few moments of panic and whining for help, the next emotion that hits me is laughter.

laughter at how ridiculous i am for acting like a child and needing help,

and laughter that i do in fact need help and am scared regardless of how 5 year old i act in getting the help.

"just help me, dang it!"

leah was not much help. she just continued to snap photos.

lo and kelly were still meandering around the graveyard, out of eyesight and earshot; and shawn was left as the sole person willing and able to help me.

(i've skipped about 20 photos bc they aren't necessary. basically when i do get help i get embarrassed and nervous as to how it'll all work out, and stubborn and wanting to do it alone, and so i just laugh which makes everything harder or sweeter depending on how you look at it and how much time you have to kill...)

but, friends, isn't this such a classic "pose" when i'm losing it? its the "pained" laugh i'm so famous for!

thankfully, i made shawn laugh too. its not good to laugh and fall apart when you finally have help.

i've learned that many times over...

again, i don't really like this photo of me, but i make this "pained" face so much when laughing i guess its growing on me?!?!!

finally dismounting.

(when i look at these and realize i'm only like 4 feet from the ground i'm so ashamed!)

can i just say there has to be a glitch in my head somewhere. some wire must be crossed or something because i feel like its not normal for little 4 feet to 15 feet high tree branches to scare the living embers out of me, but the thought of jumping out a plane later was nothing. seriously?!?!

i don't understand that. but its true.

alright, enjoy the lunacy of me

so no jump today from the plane.
to say i'm sad would be an understatement.
but i feel bad being upset about something out of my control.
the weather just wasn't in the mood with the storm front moving in.

so, it'll happen before i come home but i'm not saying when.
it'll just be a surprise afterwards for all to hear about.

i'm currently laying in my bed with my windows wide open and the fan on. its quiet but for the
pitter patter of rain drops and the occasional boom of thunder.

tomorrow is sunday and i wonder where my weekend went? it goes by to fast.....
ahhhhhhh a teachers life is never done.
so much to prepare...

sky diving :)

today i am marveling at myself;
at the courage and lunacy thats muscled up to the surface of my heart.
tomorrow i'll be a sky diver!!!

which i do believe will be the biggest "check" that my bucket list has seen crossed off in a very long time.
it also might be the last check i ever get as the rest of my dreams are, ahmmm, very lofty and not likely to be accomplished.

no, thats not true, i'll knock more off one by one,
i'm too determined
and optimistic.

so i'm making myself a big meal tonight to celebrate.
i even have cookies about to get baked...

i'm so full of excitment its unbelievable. of course i'm terrified but my largest fear is that i'll pass out and miss all the good parts.
pass out or pee my pants. one or the other.
i'm so glad to be able to do this.  i've dreamed of doing this for SO long.
and i'm determined to make the most of every moment.

so, i'll be jumping tomorrow.
free falling about 3 miles till my shoot deploys.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

overseas: together, only seperate.

its hard for me to write about these girls.

somethings in life are just better stored in the heart, you know?

its hard to explain the ebb and flow of a real genuine relationship.

multiple that by three solid relationships and you could understand how my words fail me.

at the same time, nothing is easier than describing how dear these girls are too me.

the way we've gone countless nights without sleep crying and holding each other.

numerous nights spent just praying and weeping over the world, over our relationships, over our hearts.

i'm really blessed to not only have amazing sisters and a mom i'm close to, but multiple "best friends."

i'm just a lover, and Jesus has best seen fit to love me well through other ladies.

He's given me some amazing best friends.

Ellen, Marcia, and Cheryl are my college cronies!

*smiles*

i can't even remember all the crazy things we did during those days.

but the tie that bound us all together was always our love for Jesus, our pain over injustice, our desire to go and serve so the lost may know, our creative spirits, our love for the arts, our love for coffee, our love to listen and bless other women...

i could go on and on, but basically it was the knowing in our hearts that we were meant to live out our days overseas and spend them on behalf of others.....

it was just a matter of "timing."

i always knew we'd end up overseas at the same time, in the places that have always been held so very dear to our hearts, i just can't believe that day is here.

it seems like just yesterday we were crying and having to encourage each other that someday we'd make it to where our hearts were created to be.

its weird seeing your dream, and your friends dreams come true.

weird, but

wonderful and lovely.

i can't even tell you where some of my girlfriends are because they are really living out Jesus in some crazy places.

and in reality, marcia and cheryl are still praying and believing their full funding will come in by December.

but, right now, for the first time EVER

all four of us are overseas, doing what we love.

and that knowledge and feeling inside my heart makes me burst with pride and joy.

please pray for my girlfriends (and Daniel and Jonathan as they married into this crazy group of girls).

pray for open doors and open hearts where they are working tirelessly to see Jesus be known.

pray for their funding to come through to 100%.

praise the Lord in His time He has seen fit to answer our prayers and dreams!

i'm just full of awe as this is literally what we've dreamed of for over 5 years together......

we're doing it girls.

marcia:

 

 

cheryl:

 

ellen:

ahhhhhhhhhh i love you three so much!

two recent occurances in the life of a preschool teacher......

(....I should mention, neither of these have to do with teaching or my boys....)

this morning i noticed on my pointer finger on my left hand two small white bumps.

it itched so bad.

so bad. and it hurt like crazy.

i figured most of the morning it was just hives and i wasn't worried. but around lunch time i had reached my limit on pain and decided to ask Roelene since she's our nurse here on the farm.

by this point i imagined it was a small spider bite. i mean, yesterday alone i killed 5 spiders in my room and saw about 8 others i couldn't quite get too. so they are EVERYWHERE and one biting me wouldn't have freaked me out too bad.

she checks it out for a bit. tells me it isn't a spider bite because its two small little marks, not one, but she isn't sure what it is and is probably some type of bite.

no worries.

until, jacques peaks his head around the corner and asks how i am. its nice seeing him around since he has been gone for a few weeks.

we hug and catch up,

yada yada yada

and he asks to look at it.

so i gave him my hand and he agrees its definitely not a spider bite.

"it looks like a snake got it good" he tells me.

all the blood left my head, as did all form of sound and breath in my lungs. apparently leah and roelene said my face was priceless. all i know is goosebumps ran up and down my arms and legs and terror made me freeze.

it took about a minute for me to even realize everyone was laughing and it was a joke.

oooo that boss-man of mine.

i was still in shock as jacques kissed my forehead in apology and reassurance that no snake got me.

i think that is my nightmare here. that and stumbling upon a jackel during a walk.
*shudders*

.............................................................................................

also, yesterday was the day i was "anticipating" for a very long time.

not the good kind of anticipation where if you save your chore money long enough you can buy a jamba juice.

nor the good (to me, not to most of the population) kind of knowing your research papers and finals are due its just a matter of days and weeks till that moment comes.

no, no, this was the dreaded sort of anticpation of me playing with fire.

alas, yesterday i got burned.

literally.

so leah's house and mine are approximately 100 yards away from each other.

so close, eh?

but there are two fences that separate us. my fence isn't so bad. it has a gate just 15 feet from my house and isn't electrified

her fence has no gate (well, it does but its about a mile away) and is electrified.

makes visiting her enough of a big deal that i can't just "pop" in like i'd like.

however, about a week after arriving the boys showed me a little hole crawl space.

problem is, its not very large.

and the wires are VERY charged,

so, if

i was to hit them, it would hurt very much.

apparently it hurts so much, some of the guys working here (as in, adult males) won't use it anymore.

it hurt them that much.

sweet lauren about 3 weeks ago hit it and she had a welt the size of texas on her arm for over a week.

i'm always warned not to use it. especially the one day i crawled through in the rain.

that wasn't smart, i agree.

but still, i kept using it.

i said i'd use it till i hit it.

and i had it it. multiple times. i guess i didn't hit it very hard i kept thinking.

i knew it was just a matter of time till i was rushing,

till i wasn't paying close enough attention,

and it got me.

IT GOT ME GOOD.

i had a backpack on and my tote bag on my shoulder. i had lots to get to leah's.

for the record i've traveled with more bags on my back/body before and been fine.

i don't know what happened yesterday. ahhhhhhhhhh

so there are two wires about 2 feet apart about 8 inches off the ground. about one 1/2 feet off the ground is another wire that is in between them. so you have those three "on the ground." then about 4 feet in the air in the middle is a 4th wire.

going through this you have to bend over just so, so that your back is flat, but you have to lift your leg in such a way that it doens't go up to high and streches over the 3 bottom wires and into the gate on the other side.

i need to make a video and demonstarte but its really not that hard to do.

well, yesterday i bumped the top wire and though nothing happened, it must have made me jerk because the bottom one got me right on my upper thigh.

:(

the pain cursed straight for my neck and thats what hurt the worst. i'm assuming those metal screws in my neck were nice little conductors. everyone else that has been shocked said it hurt their heart a lot

so, i'm not sure i'm glad i have metel in my spine and that absorbed most of it, or if that means my heart doens't work right??!! hahahahhaa :)

i'm glad to report i have no welt or mark.

and also, though it did hurt, i'm still going ot use it to visit leah. it just saves way to much time.

and i'm lazy to walk all the way from gate to gate to get in.

plus i feel like a spy everytime i use it

so, i guess the moral of today is:

no snake bite on my finger

and the fence isn't as bad as everyone says. i mean, its bad. just livable :)

rain?

tonight because of the lovely rain and thunder it was cool out.
not just cool, but lovely.
and i wanted fresh air inside.
so despite the warnings that i shouldn't, i decided to sleep with my window open.
and fall asleep
to the sound of rainfall.

only after 2 minutes of opening the windows,
bugs were everywhere.

i literally stopped counting after i hit 1, 239.
the windows were shut promptly and i'm now on a killing spree.
its so late and i should be asleep but i'm afraid they will crawl on me in the dark.

bleach, anyone?

little things inspire me and get me thinking.
as momma says, “get the creative juices flowing.”
for her, its as soon as the clock strikes midnight, for my sister as well.
for me, its anything and everything, that hurts and makes me uncomfortable,
and the simple moments that trigger the rush of emotions
i know pulse ever steady just under the surface always ready to erupt and show their face.
the good moments are when that happens and a pen is close by.
no paper necessary.
skin, napkins, bags, clothes, piano keys,
all have in their moment been used over and over.

last night as my pretty African sun was setting, i sat with all my windows open,
the air blowing my hair up and all around me till i was a hot mess of curls,
i sat to listen and write.
for i could feel my heart stirring and needing that release of                                                                       joy and "me,"
i always get after sitting and being still.
this is the “blog-approved” edited version of that moment in time.

.................

i wish i had bleach.
to just pour all over me.
to make me clean.
crisp.
removing any former markings. any despair that what was would ever remain.
i wish i had bleach to do that to myself.

and i do.
i do have bleach.
better than bleach i have an all out, white as snow stain remover that lives and breathes and moves in me.
through me.
all of me, is promised
to be all
saturated in this goodness of white.

the older i get the more i love white in decorating.
its just lovely.
fresh.
hopeful.
clean.
its the perfect backdrop for any other color.
all colors look great with white.
and we know how much i love all colors.
of course, my african home doesn’t do well with white.
too much dust.
mud.
dirt.
and bugs.
lots and lots of bugs.

i sweep my floor twice a week.
i mop it once.
its never enough.
sometimes i do it more.
i can’t take the way everything
seems to accumulate on every open space.
its frustrating and annoying.

and so much clutter.
too much clutter.
but no place to put things.
what to get rid of? to move? to appease my mind?

no, no,
this new home of mine does not agree with white much as
that thought
makes me sad.
......
i digress, as
always, from bleach.
my bleach cleaner.
your bleach cleaner.

why do i fight what’s so open and free in front of me?
fight for something else.
something that i think will do the job better.
something that seems so much more tangible.
more manageable.
why do i fight to do things on my own?
spending so much time researching, comparing, making lists,
only
to discover that what was the best
(and free!
and available!
and 10 of 10 stars!
and money back guarantee!
and! and! and! and!)
was right there all along.

i don’t have to long for bleach to dump over all of me. the whole of me
i don’t have to wish for something that would cleanse me
so i felt crisp-
and clean-
and fresh.

i already have what’s needed.
but i don’t want to take it.
i want to earn it.
i’d make such a good little buddhist, eh?
because i’m not comfortable with the fact that in and of me; i’m alright.
i’m enough.
not too much
nor
too little.
but all of me is all thats needed.
to be cleaned by the bleach cleaner.
but i don’t like that.
i don’t.

i want to contribute. i feel like i should have to contribute.
how can nothing be all thats required?
how can the dirtiest parts be what is most desired?
how can the way i chase after folly and fools be something that doesn’t require punishment?

i think i’d feel better if i earned my bleaching.
but i probably wouldn't. i’d have a litany of excuses and ramblings and frustrations if that was the case too.

what is given freely is the hardest to accept.
it makes you feel all at once worthless and worthwhile.
and broken and loved.

its so hard to just accept love for loves sake.
or at least, for me it is.
i feel so inadequate and insignificant and not good enough, and on my own i’m so keenly aware nothing in me
would or should or could ever warrant being loved,
being pretty,
being clean
for love or beauty’s sake.
can what i need really be something that HE is so desperately trying to get me to grasp and hold onto.
and free?

free?
free!
free as in “no strings attached.”
free as in i don’t need to repay the cost.
free as in, “its a gift and you please take it. and no, i don’t expect anything. i don’t expect you to kiss me like this, or cook me dinner like this every night for the rest of your life. or clean my house, and make sure i have clean dishes each day and my clothes are ironed, and....”
free as in, “please just come and live with me, never having to lift a finger to clean or cook or do anything.”
free as in, “you are enough for me. just you. just the simple beauty of your presence and the joy i have in being near you is all i ask in return. let me be with you and you with me, forever.”
free as in, “delight in this because i delighted in giving it to you”
thats what my bleach cleaner is.
or offers.
or wants for me.
or all three of them....

but still, i want my own brand.
why?
why!
why?
what in me drives me to such insane madness and lunacy.

i beg and wish that i’d just be able to sit, and be, and be at peace.
and that is right in front of me
but i can’t grasp it.
i turn my face thinking it won’t really work
it can’t really be what i need.
there’s no way.

but there is a way.
there was a way.
and it was a lonely road and involved a horrid day of pain and anguish.
the way is free now, for me.
but steep.
only, not so bad for me, for i only have to strip off my shoes
to run lighter.
He (my bleach cleaner),
had to carry a heavy solid wooden cross.
i’ve learned here in africa,
solid wooden things are VERY heavy.
in fact, with all my effort and strain i can get the wooden benches we have to budge a collective of no inches.
impressive, eh?

but he was strong enough to carry his wooden cross the entire way to the top of the hill.
he also carried me.
all of me.
all the junk in my trunk and everything left over.
and somehow the single thought of me was what
propelled
him, onward.

having just recently succeed in climbing four mountains,
i can say what was my motivation as i traversed the hard road up, and up still further.
shame: what if i couldn’t do it?
pride: that i would be the only one not able to make it and finish. i had to finish.
fear: if i stopped now, i was stuck on the side of a mountain! there was no other alternative.
possible joy and hope: maybe, just maybe it would be as they said and i’d love the view and it would be worth it.
for all the times i heard “it will be worth it” as we climbed...
especially for all the times it was said as a mantra behind me those last few feet.
when the sweat was making my vision cloudy,
and my legs quivered not only from loose footing but from the fibers and tissues under my skin saying “wwhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyy are you doing this to us?!?! we don’t like this!!!!!!!!!!!!”
determination: i would finish if it killed me (it didn’t. obviously).

over and over i’d say “go, go, go, go, you can, you can, you can”
silently, of course. as most conversations go with me;
they are between me and my mind.
and, yes, i have been tested psychologically and i am fine.
my mind is all intact. so there.
little pep talks to myself kept going over and over in my mind the last few feet.
that is what kept me going.
no joy and delight in seeing someone after.
someone, anyone really, was so far from my mind.
i just wanted to finish, and be done, and live.

i can tell you one thing,
no happy thoughts of someone kept me going.

but not for him.
for him, it was me.
i kept him (my bleacher cleaner, remember?) going.
i did.
me.
ha! i did. the lunacy of that!

steady on his course. thoughts of me played and danced across the recesses of his mind.
memories of us laughing together when i said something completely out of context
and just laughed and laughed at myself.
memories of when i was so broken and torn apart and wished for the end of all things
but clung
to tiny mustard seedlings of faith and made it another day kept playing across his mind
and as surely as
i would not give up nor give in, he wouldn't either.
when i sat watching my favorite movie and tears of equal joy and sadness streamed down my face
that was the image that he was excited
to remember and share and kept him able
to put one foot in front of the other and continue on up the steep way he had to walk to save me.

he said.
he promised he’d save me.
and he did.
and he has.
and chooses to again and again.

and even today he delights in washing me clean.
white.
fresh.
lovely as the fresh falling snow.
he just asks that i’d delight in letting him be my cleaner.
accept what is free,
as free.
and leave it be.

enough. enough. enough. enough. enough.
need i say it again?
yes! please!
my heart screams it has not sunk in.
you’re enough as you are.
i’m enough as i am.
nothing more is needed.
nothing more is needed to cause him to dance and delight in me.
ha!
in me?
me!
me! me! me!
i am all that is needed to turn his head.

the plain girl from the country.
dyslexic and frivolous.
stubborn and broken.
tired and confused.
too big here and too small there.
speaks with a vernacular that is confusing (at best) in times, and downright ridiculous and impossible to understand in other moments.
the one with too many dreams and too few directional insights.
equally driven and immobilized in the same moment.
always feeling two distinct ideas and thoughts war inside.
the one desperate for intimacy yet terrified of what that might be.
and mean.
and how it would change everything.
she is the simply delighted in.
the one that would cause the bleach cleaner to drop anything if a simple small, frail, “help”
was uttered.

when i come to visit the best is laid out for me.
somehow in a room of beauty, the precious gems and stones of the ages surrounding us but all you see is me and the glimmers of life in my smile.

my bleach cleaner
loves me.
and when in brief haunting moments
few and far to few between,
i let him,
in.
together, he and i
sway
and i am clean
and crisp
and not brand new, but better.
more vibrant and full of history and life and love and memories and a legacy of
him
always
being there to clean and make new.

for free.
free. free. free. free. free.
free, for me.

and you too, if you’d like.

what i like and do not like

things i do not like:

1. missing one of my dearest friends say 'I DO' to her beloved. dang it! 
   
2. going away for two nights and seeing upon my return 87 new messages in my inbox, OVER a weekend. wouldn't be so bad if some of them were fun emails from home.....
   
3. Obama getting the noble peace prize. seriously?!?!? i want to gag.
4. bringing my camera but forgetting to take a single photo the entire weekend. ooooo wait, just kidding. i did snap one of leah and a wall.
5. being reminded why i love fall in the states. it isn't just football friday, or all day sunday, or a few college games on saturday, it is nonstop from friday night till monday night, and i miss it :(
   

things i do like:

1. i found my brothers Christmas gifts in a store and i almost peed my pants when i got them. ooo i love gag gifts SO MUCH.
2. celebrating friends birthdays.
3. baking my chocolate cake for said birthday tomorrow
   
4. the sharks winning yesterday, and the lions too!
   
5. mugg&bean
6. seeing AMERICAN ESPN this morning...ooo glorious to see football highlights
7. the new MR. and MRS. Jason and Ashley Brown!!!
   

Bruce Yee and his new lovely wife, Lilian, are here visiting. it is the final 2 days of their honeymoon.

what a wonderful time we had at dinner last night. seriously, i have not laughed that hard in a very long time. my belly still aches from the convulsions *smiles*

they are adorable.

also, SA makes a great honeymoon destination--
or anytime destination.
so, do come.

i'm going with leah to joburg to drop them off at the airport and spend a bit more time together. its not often, i see a boh family member :)

then, we're going out dancing (should be interesting) to celebrate a birthday.

i can't wait to be in a real city!!!! :)

last night i went into town to see the doctor.
i'm very picky about doctors, you know?
always comparing them to my dad, and finding
they always
fall so short.

i went alone. i've never been to a "new" doctor alone before.
i always take someone with me (or someone always invites themselves with me).
so new doctor+ new country i just moved too=
nervous rebekah.

but it was fine. he listened to me explain what was wrong.
listened as i told him what i think i have (years of growing up the daughter of a doctor make you fairly accurate at self-diagnosing)
*smiles*
he then checked me out.
told me my head is a mess.
and my lungs sound fairly swim-y.
(which i'm thinking means not good??? but really, who knows)
then asked how bad i felt, told him not good,
then,
he gave me a shot in my bum.
IN MY BUM!

but, whatever, i'm over it.
i felt so much better that evening already i couldn't believe it.
i took today off of work, well, i got up to unlock the school and wait till nathan showed up, but then i went back to bed.
i think i slept my headache off,
and my body feels not so achy anymore.
even my nose and throat feel better.

also, i've decided i like this doctor. why, you ask?
because, as i was leaving he asked how long i'll be here. told him i moved here till Jesus moves me somewhere else; or at least the next year or so.
then, i added "so, you'll probably see me again sometime. but hopefully not soon."
he then took my chart and smacked me on the head with it!!!!
isn't that wonderful??!?!!

i felt so at home in that moment it was delightful.  :)

..............................................................................................

also, today i talked on the phone with this lovely women and she told me all about how this boy asked her to be his wife!!! there are no words to accurately express just how delighted i am over this news. mary, thank you again a million times over for telling me yourself. you know how very precious you are to me, i love you and carl and am utterly delighted with you!!

malaria?

i've been sick for a long time. i didn't realize how long till Shawn was telling me its time to see a "real" doctor (as if the mobile clinic wasn't good enough or something?!?!) and i staunchly shot that idea down.

i asked how long i've been coughing and what not and he produced a date that unnerved me.

so i started noticing things more (ya know, in case i really do go see a doctor one of these days. i like to have facts, and dates and such written down for proof i'm not crazy). and if other people are noticing me not being well, maybe i should too? or something like that at least...

since i was paying attention, i realized that i am feeling worse not better and my list of symptoms was growing.

well, today was a new level of crap. :)

i went to the laboratory and got blood work done.
for malaria.
because though we don't have it here on the farm, where i was a few weeks ago is an "infected" area.
and all my symptoms fit.
perfectly.

(of course, i didn't take anti-malaria pills when i was there. i scoff in the face of those babies.)

and everyone was very concerned after matching the timeline for me being at Kruger and my symptoms.
malaria is not to be messed with.
so i found myself off to get bloodwork done.

slept practically the entire way into town and back home.
just can't keep my eyes open!
so sleepy
and achy.

however, i don't think i have malaria.
call my bluff, but i
think i have some sort of sinus infection that triggered my sweet brucella bug and i am relapsing.
makes MUCH more sense to me.
plus, i just like to say
"i'm relapsing."

either way, its not super fun. and i find myself craving:
my favorite comfort food from the states. a blanket; i'm freezing. my mom. a day off. something cold for my head, i'm burning up. someone to get up and pee for me since it hurts to move.
a hammer so i can hit myself over the head with it and be knocked out....

would ya say a prayer that i don't have malaria and that whatever i do have will be cheap to treat and that i will feel like myself again very very soon.
thanks :)

 also, i'm working on my five favorite romantic moments in a movie, and five moments that always make me laugh. i inspired myself last time i posted! :)

and when i say "working" i mean, the idea is in my head and sometime soon i will take steps to make that happen in reality.

5 movies that always make me cry

a bit ago some friends posted the 5 movie moments that always make them cry. i was initially inspired to do a similar post myself. however, 3 of my top moments are not on youtube because the movies they belong in are too "independent" and i guess unloved by the general public.

so, i got upset and decided i wouldn't make my own list....

but, thats just silly

so, i came up with a new list (and of course, plenty of honorable mentions).
its impossible for me to narrow down any sort of "favorite" list,
as anyone who really knows me,
knows.

in no particular order. the movie moments that make me cry.

1. hard to pick just a single moment from these movies. but this would have to be it. also, this clip shows in such a lovely way why i believe in Jesus and have hope, and also cry.                        (for a further elaboration on this subject, see this book by one of my most beloved authors.)
2. i LOVE this movie. first off, because billy crudup is amazing and always makes me cry in any of his movies. also, few movies are as full of whimsy and fantastical moments as this movie is; what a beautiful moment.
3. reminds me of my childhood, abi and i would watch this over and over, and even now, i still cry at this part.
4. this is a classic in our family. every single one of us will cry. 
5. one of the most beautiful movies ever. who doesn't cry seeing daniel and helen FINALLY be reunited and kiss in the sunset?!?! 
6. this doesn't just make me cry. it gives me goosebumps. 

honorable mention:

(which is to say, it doesn't sometimes make me cry. no, no, it will always produce tears.

however, its just that the mood i am in today, right now, didn't warrant them being in the top 6.)

• this movie makes me dream and is full of such beautiful whimsy, this moment is heart wrenching. probably one of my favorite movie scores of all time too...
• i just want you too, gilbert blythe.
• in the Patriot when Benjamin is just about to leave after visiting his family on the coast, and Susan runs after her dad saying her first words ever. (again, no clip :( 
• this scene and also this one remind me why i love football season and men with heart.
  

the three that would be there if i could find a link for them:

• The Constant Gardener when justin sees the truth on tessa's laptop for the first time. (this also happens to be my favorite movie of all time, no really, it is.)
  
• Walter watching Kitty play piano in The Painted Veil
• Finding out that Danny died, in A Mighty Heart.

What five (or 6) movies make you cry?