unmerited grace

it comes in swift hugs.
gentle pats on the back.
shared tears.
the quiet that follows the partaking of a good cupcake.
the smiles of joy on faces as icing is licked off of every crevice of each little finger.
prayers believed.
spoken. dreamed.
it flows into heartache and wraps gentle layers of love all around.

i keep whispering into my quiet its ok i'm not feeling quite whole today.
its ok, i still fight for a sense of self, of balance, of 'me' two years later.
its ok.
i am ok.
ok, ok, ok.

if i say it enough will it be so?
i feel on the edge of something.
something more grand and marvelous than i could dream on my own.
something scary and risky.
but right now i'm only sitting in labor.
in blood, sweat, tears, messy and tiring.

as if he has revealed little glimpses of himself of what is to come.
enough to keep me steady and fixed as i labor.
but not enough to release tension.
i labor in prayers, tears, fears, expectation.

tonight i labored alone. panic near ripped into me. and i realized i don't have to believe the lies.
that say: "i'm alone."
or: "no one wants to listen to you or pray with you."
a quick call, shoelaces tied after that, a quick walk across the farm.
i arrived to smile, cooking, love.
yes, i arrived to love.
for where two or more are gathered, there He is.
and i felt him.
and cried as i made myself bare asking, no, begging and needy for prayer.

so pray we did.
for a bit. and it was healing for my heart.
i'm trying, learning, hoping, i am becoming more ok with admitting i can't do life alone.
i can't.
i need moments of sitting in the center and feeling His arms outstretched to me, hearing His heart whispered over me.
i'm ok with being that sort of needy.

it flows from interns who didn't know me a week ago gather around and believe for me.
it comes in talking out loud and making myself laugh to have sweet friends hear and laugh with me.
grace flows to the desperate broken needy ones.
the trick is in learning to stay desperate and broken and needy when it goes against every grain of 'comfort' and 'american' i possess.
............................................................
bud, wasn't i supposed to say something? i know i was. i have forgotten. was it about my passion over certain people staying over? ahhhhhh my mind! my mind! my mind!
......................
EDIT: i rememebered.
100 days ago.
actually longer.
somewhere around 100 days ago i started a journey.
one that involved taking a women's multi-vitamin every day.
i had heard so much how i have to get my 'vitamin base up for my children.'
which always amused me, because, well....i have none.
but they always say i must have that base built years in advance.
so i began taking a pill a day.
i haven't noticed a huge difference.
but, aunt rose said my hair is stronger and thicker than its ever been when she cut it at Christmas.
she would know.
she's cut it since i'm a baby.
apparently hair is an indicator of general health.
who knew?!?
i took my last 100th pill today.
i have another bottle to start.
don't worry.
for me, or my unborn children.*
.......................
i just killed the 3rd spider crawling on my bed.
do you think i'll get a reward in Heaven for putting up with the bugs here?!?!
ahhhhhhhhhhhh

*this is not to mock childbearing at all. i feel a bit moxie in the moment and i mean, i do find it funny how doctors care more about my future children than me. for the sole purpose they can't believe i'm not sleeping with any/every man i meet and able to therefore get pregnant at a moment's notice. at this rate....my children will have the healthiest vitamin based mother on the planet. i'm ok with that, too.

................
"P.S. I shared this post on Heart to Heart with Holley.

weekly roundup

this week has come and gone. march is almost peeking its head around the bend.
i've always found march to be one of my favorite months in the year.
but that was because i love spring.
celebrating march, in fall, is a new experience for me.
one that finds me unfit for words.

last night i showed two of my favorite africans The Princess Bride. auntie bekah has become an overnight babysitter. between teaching the little people and staying overnight with nicole and little jacques i realize i am not ready for motherhood.
there is a rather large selfish bit of me that eats away.
eroding the desire to care and nurture.
i find i just want to do what i want.
i want to cook what i want to eat.
i want to sleep till i want to get up.
i want, i want, i want.
life isn't about me.
its not really about the kids either.
i'm sleepy and missed sleeping in on my saturday. but loving; choosing to love, to bless, to care...that is far more noble.
don't i sound so self-sacrificing? don't be confused. i'm not.
i'm missing a movie and the mall, with my friends from town.
i'm sad.
i missed playing games and braai-ing last night with friends from town and the farm.
i'm upset.
sometimes its not about doing what you want, but about honoring commitments that you make.
today, i'm believing that what i sow will be grace and a good attitude.
what i sow in tears (yes, i did almost cry and throw a pity party everyone is doing 'fun' things and i'm stuck babysitting...) will be reaped in joy.
joy is a choice.
outside of circumstance or situation.
i have joy. deep down in my heart.
joy is the little voices calling me to come help paint photos just now.
so i will leave.
and,
here are some links i enjoyed this past week.

i thought this was pretty cool. i know some of the people who shot the footage on the ground. don't forget, Haiti.

this is just adorable. i wanna be them!!

this kid is amazing...and hilarious!

i always knew naps were good for me. VINDICATION! :)

this girl is amazing. help her, here.

what?! who declares war on Switzerland?

this is now my country. this breaks my heart. insert horribly sad face :(

thinking about this quote a lot:

"Why would i defend the Bible? You dont defend a lion - you just let it out of its cage." -Spurgeon 

chocolate chip cookies

i made chocolate chip cookies last weekend. they were delish. i'm becoming quite creative exchanging ingredients and figuring out what works, and what clearly does not! the cookies were my favorite i've ever made. 

i salivate thinking back to them.

the day after i made them, esther came to visit. 

we sat in my room and chatted for a bit. 

i offered her some cookies.

she gave me a funny look. 

mumbled some words...

but at my insistence, she took one.

she bite in.

she looked at me.

she smiled.

it was her very first ever chocolate chip cookie.

i almost can't believe it. 

but i know her, i know she wouldn't make something like that up.

i can't imagine being in my 30s and never having tasted a chocolate chip cookie.

i still smile thinking about her face.

such joy.

before she left, she took 3 more, just 'for the road' she said.

i smiled.

.............................

i know, i know...i said i was saving all my favorite links for the weekend. but i CAN'T help it. this made me so happy and smiley, i had to share today. right now. this very instant. 

so, who do you think is the cutest?!?!

new lego's to play with, we don't like pears

o my gosh, in the next 36 hours you can get stockholm syndrome for free.
i love derek webb. i love noisetrade.
best news to wake to on a thursday morning!

you can take 4 minutes of your time and send this message to mr. obama. its free and easy and will do just a little bit more to erase human trafficking. 

"In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love."

 ~ Mother Teresa

 ....do your small thing well. 


its been to long since i uploaded photos. so, here is the joy today brought.

whats this, you ask? oh, its just legos donated by a friend from church. dumped all across the floor.

enjoying the mess

so proud of themselves

small, small legos. i had no idea they come so miniature!

not happy he was having to eat a pear

yes, he's seriously about to cry because i'm making him eat a pear

such anger *smiles*

he finished his food. he was allowed to go play.

apparently slamming his thumb yesterday didn't do damage to his lovely smile.

i asked kelvin to show me his thumb. this is what he did. i guess thumb and tongue both start with /T/ so its sorta close, right??! gotta work on that English!

furiously trying to finish so he can play too.

kelvin's finger; breath in, breath out.

i took a nap yesterday.
its amazing the simple pleasure 35 minutes brings.
it was the first nap since last december. far too long.
He breathed into me, then.

right now, the boys are sleeping.
their daily nap time. (oh, what i'd give to fall asleep with them each day!)
sweet angel boys.
they've all managed to roll onto their little bitty bellys
after falling asleep on their backs.

i'm always amazed at people who move
and roll in their sleep.
all my roommates from college were violent sleepers
and big talkers.
i'd have full on conversations with them.
only more hilarious than the ones we had in reality.

i've been teased since i was little that i'm a mummy when sleeping.
for i lay flat on my back.
hands crossed on my belly.
i never move.
all night long i'm a stone.

so, you see how people that move fascinate me.

the boys breath in, breath out.
i watch. whisper prayers for them to grow.
grow and be mighty men for the Kingdom.
...................
this morning kelvin slammed the bathroom door shut,
on his finger.
it is probably the worst blood blister i've ever seen.
my "tough boy" cried for nearly 45 minutes.
i don't blame him.
i cried too.

i breathed in. i breathed out.
i asked for swift healing.
tears flowed.

gentle reminders that He loves them more than i.
red dots and vicious purple specks call his little finger home.
it will heal.

the boys continue sleeping.
they breath in.
breath out.
i watch them.
again, still, always
so amazed i've been called to be their
teacher.
attitude shaper.
mind molder.

i breath in
i breath out
marveling,
and grateful.

fall: the song that is, and other stuff.

i'm gonna marry a worship pastor.
i decided yesterday.
i think so anyway.
i've just decided there is nothing more attractive then a man worshiping.
if he isn't a worship leader, he'll most certainly be a
worshiper. (or pastor. i also like seeing men passionate about teaching and living the Word)
but i figure i have every right to pray for someone who plays guitar and sings.
and geez if he can play the harmonica, violin, and piano too... all the better! *grin*

its hard to have a corrupt heart when your job is to worship.
i also love the team dynamic.
i think there's a lot of safeguards in that.
so, all that to say...if ya think of it, or read this... wanna say a prayer for my future worship leader husband, and myself?!?
*wry grin*
.......................

this is the song i mentioned thinking about yesterday: 

(christina. *grins*)

i never saw beauty in dead and dying things

but the colors sway and spin all across the sky

is that how it is with me?

is that how you see me?

crisp, cool air

in long lonely nights, i am laid bare

everything is falling from me

in crisp, cool air

red, gold, bronze they fall

no longer needed to shade the heart, my bark

so too i am stripped bare

so too i dance, float in the air

i've fallen to make brand new

no longer so i can be wholly used

stripped bare i cling to you

with a fierce devotion, i will not be moved

what's no longer is what gives new life

i will blossom, free in time.

....................................
so my church is coming this Aug/Sept and in the day time building a little basketball/four square/ tetherball cement area for my kids, and in the afternoons/evenings doing a vacation bible school in the *local area.* i can't believe it!!!! apparently they found tickets for like $600 roundtrip. HELLO cheapo!! i mean, personally, the Lord's provided tickets for me under $1000 round trip, but $600 is unheard of! ahhhh i'm so excited and blessed to have a church body support me so much and believe in what i do and want to come help me. i think the realization they are coming is slowly making itself apparent. i just can't believe it.
side note: it isn't too late, yet, to come along. send me an email if you're interested!
.............................
a bit ago i shared my fascination with the whole idea of living nakedly before the Lord and before your closest friends. that sort of intimacy is difficult to achieve. scary & beautiful. apparently, my pastor in the states (hey, les!), used naked a lot this past sunday. hahahahah i love it!!! love you and twila, les!
hey my Kaleidoscope family, in general!
*you'll all blog stalkers! comment for once!*
 ahhhhhahaha
*huge grin*
,.............................
tonight i'm making my favorite peach cupcakes and brown sugar cream cheese icing. YUMMY.
its bound to be a good night as i eat 'em and read and sleep.
........................................
the boys are tired and grumpy today.
i am tired and grumpy today.
...............................................
i emailed my dad yesterday about taxes.
thinking to myself: i'm so early! its not even march yet!
but also, thinking: i need to get this all sorted since it could be a weird process this year. with me living overseas and what not.
he emailed me back that its already taken care of. he's already got them done.
HELLO!?
oh, thank you, daddy! you are the best!

a few weeks ago i mentioned the difference between south africans and americans.

another thing i want to add is this:

in america, girls shave their legs. boys do not.

in SA, girls shave their legs, and SO do BOYS!

ahhhhhhhh

can't tell you how many times i'll be out with friends and feel ashamed that my guy-friends legs have a cleaner shave than mine!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

what is up with THAT?!

*huge laughter*

for real, its a little un-nerving. and a bit funny.

.........................................................

i'm the worst blogger ever. when i really get going with something i really want to share, it ends up being pages long. ahhhhhh i just can't edit myself! sorry, friends! 

..........................................................

i wrote this earlier this month. ok, ok...a few days ago *smile*

it wasn't meant to be a poem. more a leaking of my soul from my heart...

a venting.

a hopeful venting, for sure.

and a desire to reaffirm for myself, that death

is what brings new life.

Fall

can it be march is almost here?

almost peeking around the corner?

taunting to me...‘fall is coming.’*

fall comes.

ahhh fall comes.

the sweet season of death for new life.

the leaves dance.

float

high.

blown about in the nightsky.

enriching the ground.

the process starts anew.

death for new life.

death for new life.

death for new life.

and, for me too.

death for new life.

his death, my life.

my death, new life.

leaves frolic in the sky.

my branches lay bare.

a swollen tree stands bare.

stripped of its covering.

nothing shielding the heart, the bark of who he really is.

lonely tree standing tall.

no shelter against the wind.

all the forces come pounding

hoping to uproot, expel the roots.

death in the fall.

death in the fall.

death in the fall.

tree stands strong.

wondering if his roots are deep enough?

will he withstand the onslaught

of forces beyond his control?

lonely tree you stand upon a hill.

nothing warming the shivers the night air brings.

rain, snow, hail, ice fall from the sky.

cold, cold, cold.

bare,

but still you stand tall.

spring arrives.

the tears shed, fallen to the ground.

new life begins.

little buddings of hope sprout on 

achy lonely limbs.

green against brown. colors of life.

green and brown. colors of life.

green and brown.

new leaves. 

standing no longer unshielded. 

swaying in the breeze, a respite,

nourish me! he cries. 

he prepares again to

kill his covering.

over and over.

so new life can again grow.

stronger the next time.

lovely continuous cycle.

death, for new life.

death, for new life.

new life.

this was all written in response to a song i wrote almost two years ago. well, it began two years ago. it finished itself this past nov.

i travel, always, with pen and my journal notebook.

i remember driving across the PA turnpike in the hight of fall and having to pull over to write.

so i did. 

i sat on the side of the road, and 10 minutes later i finished.

when songs start, they come fast.

always.

this is a photo from that day.

(clearly, i did not pull over to take the photo. priorities people. i break to write. i sometimes break to phototake.)

*remember, peeps...i'm in the southern hemisphere. everything, including seasons, is reversed. *smiles*

i stumbled upon some good stuff this week!

i had to share with you some things that caught my fancy and had me thinking all week.
i think i really need to save things like this and share them once a week. i guess, in the past, i just share instantly what makes me chuckle, but its a bit chaotic.

so. here is stuff that made me think, or laugh, or smile this week.

my friend wrote this! so proud of you, matt. its about time someone realized how talented your writing is!!

this song, makes me cry...and ache for Heaven. somehow i just discovered the video now.

because i claim 'philly' as my own though an hour away. because i love violins. because i love anything from the 50s. because i danced to one of these songs in a mid-year recital. all combine to make me love this video.
(please, excuse the word at the very beginning, start watching at 12 seconds in and you'll be fine. ugh, why do people have to use crappy language and ruin what would be a great thing otherwise!?!)

oh, amber. thank you for this! one of my favorite poems, even better because its read out loud... as every poem is meant.

................
i think i mentioned earlier this week i read and finished nelson mendela's autobiography this past week. it was very enilghtening to read, especially leading up to visiting the apartheid museum. he says on pg.391 of his book:

"I am fundamentally an optimist. Whether that comes from nature or nurture, I cannot say. Part of being optimistic is keeping one's head pointed toward he sun, one's feet moving forward. There were many dark moments when my faith in humanity was sorely tested, but I would not and could not give myself up to despair. That way lay in defeat and death.*"

i walked through the museum with lauren. i'm sure she grew tired of the same exclamation from my lips, as i said over and over and over and over:
"i just can't imagine fighting for ONE THING for so long. with little hope. with constant struggle. i mean, lo, he was in prison longer than i'm even alive!"

and i mean it. the only time i was brought to tears (which surprised me) was when we got towards the end of the museum and they had quotes from Nelson and Walter on the wall about the love they have for south africa.
freedom had been won.
not only for Nelson, but for the people at large.
the first votes cast.
one-vote-one-man, finally.
he fought for something, a single determining goal, for so long.
i just felt humbled.
silent tears fell.

nothing brings me to tears quicker than men fighting against all odds for freedom.
freedom won.

makes me wonder if i'm seeking my ONE THING
with the same determination.
am i willing to be in prison for 27 years.
facing starvation, depravation, solitary confinement, assaults on my family, jabs, insults, numerous other forms of abuse for the sake of the ONE i Love, for the cause i believe in and treasure most dear.
i dont think i can say i am. i'm not even 27 years old! i want to say i could, but i feel that is immature.
prison shows a man's character, Nelson wrote over and over.
james says testing shows a man's value.
but i think testing will only show value if you use it right. if you stay fixed on the SON.
testing in and of itself is fruitless.

i want all to be free.
not in the sense that there is a
one-man-one-vote system in every country (though i do care for that very much).
but in the sense that all realize this and this, this as well, and this too.

*you know, i hate typing with correct punctuation and capitalization. but i felt for a direct quote, it was necessary here.
**fell led to share my mom has given up on the bachelor (again) after watching for a few weeks. apparently he slept this past week with the final 3 ladies to "test run" which girl he wanted to keep around. i say, go mom! what a sleeze...

various boy things this week :)

i failed at blogging this week. failed at a lot of things.
i was....and feel still like
keeping my head above water and steady is a heavy enough chore.
blogging was far from my mind.
but, like usual...i kept up my daily journal and my thoughts flowed there.
where they always roam more freely and nakedly* and happy.

here are little snippets i typed up tonight....

(this past wednesday)
the boys have been playing imagination for the past 20 minutes. its adorable. and hilarious.
they are a whole little family.
brothers, a mother, a grandpa.
no dad. or sisters.
its killing me.
they are being so good and kind talking to each other and sharing.
perfect is being the mother, and he is hilarious.
i guess he’s trying to be me. (scarythought!).
he keeps coming over to them, saying:
“if you boys dont share, no one plays!”
to which ruben replies:
“o mother, please dont give me a hiding**. we’ll do better at sharing.”
they are cracking me up.
ruben just let it slip. he called “mother,” “bekah.” hahaha i guess i don’t have to
guess if the mother is me or not. hahahaha awesome.

so for some reason, i almost always write out ruben, like this: rubin.
i’m not sure why, i guess because when you say it, the ending sound is more like /bin/ then
/ben/. anyway, i didn’t realize till this afternoon when ruben told me:
“bekah, that not how you spell my name.”
to which i replied:
“of course it is, bud. plus, we’re not spelling now we’re coloring in our letters. just don’t worry about it, it’s right, ok?”
he wasn’t super happy. gave me a pouty face but went to work despite not agreeing with me.
once i had all the boys going, i took a moment to look at his paper. lo and behold!
the kid was right! i spelled it wrong!
its freaked me out to realize i’ve probably done this SOOOO many times before!
oops!
 but, c’mon...what kid can spell their name at 4!
four years old and he’s correcting me on my spelling!
i oughta stop teaching them their sounds and letters, they are
too smart! *wry grin*

*spanking is called “hiding” here. Basically any form of discipline is a hiding.

....................................
i've been reading this week: a long walk to freedom. it's been very enlightening. i realized how little i really knew about Mendela or SA history. of course, this is one mans opinion and i'm not taking it for the absolute, but it is very well written and fascinating.
tomorrow, i'm headed to Jozi and the apartheid museum. i'm looking forward to seeing it. i'm not sure exactly where and what i believe about all the history of apartheid. i've on purpose been reading a white man's account and then a black mans...and back and forth, plus talking to everyone i meet....it seems that the more i think i know what i think and what i've decided on it, the more i'm confused and not sure what to say/where to stand on it all...
the perplexities of this for me, an "everything is either black or white, no gray areas..." person is very difficult. i hate not being able to figure out where i stand, what i believe about things that have happened. i guess my, "i feel your pain and have such great sympathy with you" nature is at war with the black and white nature. both are equalizing the other. i can't remember a time this has happened before. not with something this large, this entrenched in the people i live and work with and call my family and friends. its difficult. and i have a billion more thoughts on this....but i'm too tired just now....

*I've really been on this naked kick lately. i don't know, but it makes me giddy inside to use that word. and i just love the symbolism...and the encouragement to my heart to be fully laid bare before the Lord, knowing that is what He asks for, what He loves to see and hear. I've been trying to be intentional and as bare as I can with my friends recently. Which is an awfully hard thing because all we want as humans is total love and acceptance. But also, all I want is to be naked, emotionally that is, before my friends, before anyone. I think the most beautiful people are those that live fully...live out their life their heart their love in a naked sort of way for everyone. That is real, and lovely and what draws me to people. Because the naked people are never prideful, they are well aware of their little weaknesses, fully aware they can not hide them, but they are confident and happy in themselves. It's like they become nothing, they don't think of themselves and how they'll be viewed, they just live....anyway...its too late and I'm rambling.....

He DOES see me!

my grandma is a wonderful wonderful women of God.
i don't know anyone that prays as hard and as fervently as that women.

today has been one of those days you want to crawl away from the world.
escape reality.
be transported to another place...another time...
be enveloped in the warm embrace of your mother.
sit by your father on the sofa.
have supper prepared for you.
have your siblings sing and dance and be silly all around you.
know that you are loved and enough and welcomed.

today i wish instead of leaving work heading to my sweet lapa,
i was heading home to my parents house.
i'm now approaching the 12th hour of working today.
that is about 9 hours longer than i'd like! *smile*
of course, a normal day is 9 1/2 hours, plus prep and lesson planning outside of school...
is it awful that i'd like nothing more than to have a full time job that consists of reading, researching, writing, loving, hugging, praying...and get paid for that?!? does anyone know of a job like that?
pick me! pick me!

i had a mini meltdown tonight at 5.
ok, it was a complete melt down.
this week, last week... they just sorta converged on me.
little pressures, small things, good things, hard things, sad things...
it was all too much as i sat typing feverishly away trying to finish documents that needed
signed and dated and to be printed and stapled and all finished in 40 minutes.
my heart sighed,
my already bloodshot eyes from exhaustion became watery.
tears were so close to the surface.
thankfully i made it from the school to the office, to the printer, to the storeroom to get more paper (of course, it was out!), back to the school without seeing anyone. well, i did see people...but no one stopped me!
a miracle in this relationally driven culture.

my first meeting went smashingly.
as smashingly it can when you are having awkward conversations
and talking about another person's child as if they are your own.
in between meetings i ran to my house to get a pear for my supper, knowing full well i wouldn't last without some sort of dinner till the next meeting ended.
on my doorstop stood the most peculiar thing.

a package. and,
a large package. and,
a letter.
for me.

oh, the goodness of the Lord to know today was the day i'd need to receive them!
a delightful package full of amazingness from one of my dearest friends, thank you jade (and cale!). seriously, i can't even unpack it all. i wept sitting on my bed opening it just now. so many practical things, so many favorite american things. your handwriting (a sadly dying artform)... so much goodness in that box. wow. seriously, jadie, i praised the Lord and wept. overjoyed at your blessing and love!

a letter from one of my sweet former "babies." lizzy was a freshman my first year as an RA at college. she'd later become my DA in the dorm, and a close friend. she is one of the most sensible girls ever. she married her sweetheart in sept and i couldn't make it (stupid africa...*grins*). how nice to receive a letter!

my gram cracker. the most treasured of them all. because of the reminder. because she barely has money to get by each month, yet is my most faithful "sender" of mail. actually, she's the only one beside my mom, and now jade and lizzy, to send me mail. almost every 3 weeks or so i get articles from the paper (ooo to feel "my" home paper in my hands!), little devotionals she's read, and her own letters to me. sometimes they include silly drawings my niece seana has done for me. this time it included a recent people magazine (she knows me SO well...total guilty pleasure).

my gram and i got my mom hooked on the bachelor this year. hahahah i love that my mom watches it. so weird and funny.
my gram keeps me up to date on pop culture. this recent letter had her telling me about taylor's winnings at the grammys (i am NOT a fan, but i do like that she grew up and was born not 15 minutes from me). she told me about the crazy snow. my mom recouping from surgery and various things only a grandma and grandchild could share....

my grams letters make me cry. always.
that women has loved me and prayed over me, for me, with me
more than anyone else i know.
i've always wanted to write a book and write it about her life.
she is the most fascinating women and did some of the
most daring and crazy things ever.
i love her.
thank you, gram, so much.

edit: i'm now, finally finished with parent teacher meetings and going on the 13th hour in this school building. ahhhhhh far too long! this was written on and off between meetings. hopfully it makes sense. i'm not in the mood to edit. i just want to go weep and let out the emotions in my heart, and bask in the goodness that in fact, He does see me and does hear me and IS the stability of my times.

*WHAT?! Jennifer Knapp and Derek Webb in concert, TOGETHER!, in Manheim, PA! It figures i live in africa when they do this!! get your tickets now! its a small venue and bound to be AH-MAZING!

"to be known"

i love adoption.
i love knowing that i was chosen, dearly loved, by the creator of the world. i'm His. 
i have an inheritance with Him, in Him.
a bit ago, many of you reached from your heart to help friends of mine
get their sweet baby boy home.
thank you!
Ammanuel is one of the cutest kids on the planet and i love watching matt and kathryn be parents. seriously, the boy's smile is infectious!


now, other friends of mine are beginning their journey into adoption.
i've known jen and ryan almost 7 years.*
jen and ryan transitioned into living in Boone, NC, as ryan has become one of the filmmakers for Samaritans purse. 
because everything is better with a photo, i decided to, uh....steal this one from jen's fb. photos make everything suddenly real. *huge smile*

the point is, they are in the long, painful, expensive, exciting, hopeful process of adopting a daughter from Ethiopia. 
adoption is very expensive. international adoptions are, in my opinion, outrageously so.
there's no way my family would be a family of 8 instead of 6 if a very generous family didn't "support" us for half the price. i guess thats why i long to help my friends with their adoptions so. 


i remember praying, waiting, hoping, longing for the day my brother and sister would walk off the plane from russia to my heart. and it would not have happened if someone didn't find it in their heart to bless our family with a lot of financial support. the body of Christ took over for us. michael and natalie came to our home because a lot of people were praying and believing and supporting our family in the process. i decided a long time ago that if i could help friends of mine, and strangers, do the same...i would. 
in the strangarity family, i guess you could say, we like to 'pay it forward..."
because to those much has been given, much is required. not that i want to guilt trip you if you're reading this, but just make you think and process what you do with your money and your heart and what you're doing to help the least among us.


i'm very passionate about seeing the orphans loved.
jen and ryan are amazing parents to little brooklyn. 
they will be amazing parents to this new baby girl, too.
would you take a minute to go to the link i attached above.
if you want, jen has designed and created these awesome pendents with the phase: "to be known" in Amharic (the language of Ethiopia), they are selling them to help with all the costs of adopting for only $12!

personally, there isn't anything better than unique jewelry. especially, jewelry that is literally helping save a child. i love this pendent! i just purchased mine, and though it'll be a bit till it gets to me here in SA, i'm so excited to share in their journey by praying and supporting in this way.


they chose: "to be known" because of the reminder we are chosen by God. that even now, before their daughter is even born, she is known by God. what a great reminder to wear around your neck, tucked close to your heart. YOU ARE KNOWN! right now...i love it. i love it. i'm so excited to have mine! ahhhhhhhhhhh *joy!*


if you don't have the desire to purchase a pendant for yourself, or lack the fiances at this moment, would you consider just popping over to their site and letting them know you are praying for them. believe me, from a siblings point of view, this is a very long journey they are on.


thanks for listening to be rant and rave on adoption and my friends. 
really, thank you.

*(i met jen and ryan when i first interned at Book of Hope, now OneHope. they were part of the team of filmers who did this video. they were always around to discuss and decipher what was going on in my heart whenever i was in the office between trips overseas. i came to find ryan hilarious and jen one of the nicest people i've ever met. in fact, it was a week long visit last december (08) with jen that God 

finally spoke to my heart and let me know i not only had every biblical right to sign the divorce papers, but that He'd still use me, still love me, and had good for me. i don't think it was because jen was some super human, but more so prayers from so many of my family and friends finally broke through on my behalf and she was willing to love me and be used by God. 

i guess what i'm saying is they are the real deal. and it'd be your privilege to join in the process of bringing their baby girl home)

FIFA World Cup

i can't believe it.

seriously.

shock has dug its claws into my 

flesh

and joy

erupts in my heart.

today i found out that my phase four bids were 

all accepted!

since none of my bids for the third round went through,

i was not hopeful at all.

but lo and behold!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

for $60 i will be seeing

three games.

3 games!

and the best part is...

my favorite player. my favorite team.

on. my. birthday.

my birthday!

and my birthday is during the winter.

and i always wanted a 

cold birthday.

ahhhhhh the Lord is too good to me!!!

seriously...i am amazed at even being here for world cup.

last world cup i watched most of the games, the final,

with my dearest friend, jadie.

france and italy played in the final.

she is italian.

i love henry. i love france.

we're both deeply fierce and competitive.

we sat on separate chairs.

it took me about 30 minutes to speak to her

when the game was over.

hahahahahhaa

i was so mad at zidane.*

so mad.

it was awesome!

i'm going to a real world cup game.

not just one,

but three!

oooooooo praise the Lord! 

dream come true!!!

*though, i would have done much worse if someone called my mom and sister what materazzi did. but still! you don't lose it in the final moments of the biggest game of your life! mentally you have to be stronger. you have to train your mind. you don't do it....i could go on and on about the spiritual applications, but i'm sleepy. the point is, playing sports was one of the best things i ever did spiritually for myself. learning and realizing that if i was mentally tough i could face and beat any opponent, well....the application of that in the spirit realm is true too..... 

a v-day surprise for me.

this was my gift last year,

from my papa.

a surprise. 

two days early.

in case, you cannot read it....

ahhhh.

he always knows just what i want.

*smile*

this year,

i received, a day early,

a surprise phone call.

the first time the parentals have 

called my phone here in ZA.

joy.

laughter.

7 minutes and 42 seconds of surprise.

it was just what i needed.

and even better, i just so happened to be in town when 

they called.

i don't have reception on the farm anymore.

i would have missed them.

i was not meant to be in town.

but i was.

and i got their call.

and it was delightful.

i am so loved.

even though i feel lonely and ache for family 

i'm where i'm supposed to be.

and loved and supported right there.

thanks mom and dad. hopefully it didn't cost an 

arm and a leg.

it was worth it though!

..................................

tonight, playing and sharing my songs was 

sweet.

thank you for praying.

i felt strong.

despite waking up and feeling sick in my throat all day.

i hit each note.

despite losing all my note book/scratch outline of each song,

i played it all from memory.

no security blanket in front of me.

and i remembered each line and each note.

amazing.

thank you, friends.

.....................................

i do so hope you know you are loved this Valentine's Day.

and each day, also.

this kid...

...i've called him kid for a very long time.
(i call all the littler siblings that)
i also call him:
joe-joe,
giuseppe,
but most of all, joey.
my joey.
its true.
till very recently i was the only one to call him that.
its my name for him.
for my baby brother.

(last april in san francisco)

today he celebrates his 19th year of life.
today i celebrate his 19 years of life.

(april 09, seeing Wicked.)

he is my broadway brother.
he is the one that will go to the opera with me.
and enjoy it.
he is the one that loves musicals.
loves the symphony....
....loves culture.

(his favorite place on earth: Monterey, CA)

i remember the day he was born as if it was yesterday.

i thought he killed my mother. i had never seen so much blood. 

had never seen her cry so.

i hated him from the start.

he also yelled so much. i couldn't understand it.

he was so tiny, but so loud.

(we had a brother sister date last year before i moved here in Scranton, Pa, seeing all the The Office hot spots. it was a great day)

he became the best little present ever.

i grew out of my hatred within days.

abi and i fought over doting on him.

he was all boy but would let us dress him up,

and he'd play barbies with us.

he lived in his ninja suit. 

(hours after sadie was born, last june. he's such a great uncle)

i cut his finger off just before he turned 2. 

i hid outside for hours thinking mom and dad would kill me.

somehow doctors sewed it back on.

but its still deformed. however, now its a war wound and he's called

"joe the nine."*

i'm still sorry, brother, about that....

(Christmas Village, this past Dec)

i've always felt joey and i are so similar.

sharing a love of sport and competition and demolishing opponents.

literally, the boy would laugh every time he'd tackle the other team in his football games. i'm not kidding, we have HOURS of footage of him just giggling after a massive hit.

the kid is fearless. i've never known where that comes from.

for my timidness, he is brave.

(at Christmas village again. we were "sick" of the couples we were with, so we decided to pretend we were a couple too....hahaha)

he's always been to mature for his age. 

holding a full on intelligent conversation with adults when he was four.

(this photo is funny because he loves the sparkling grape juice bottle. in this family we have a thing for that stuff. we pretend its wine. we pretend its what gets us all loony. truth is, no one in this family needs any sort of alcohol to be a silly nilly. this is a classic joey face too.)

we share a love for awkward strange movies.

we share a love for traveling, back packing, road trips.

we share (with our father) an insane sentimentality that often produces irrevocably strong loyal bonds of love, often causes extreme pain and sadness when something like moving across the ocean is in play, or even something as simple as moving down the hall a bit further.

we share a love for helping others but also for feeling completely inadequate to do so.

o brother. little brother. for all the ways you show me you care and love me i'm lost to know how to convey to you what you mean to me. i never knew the little boy dad placed into my scared arms would grow to be someone i'd call my friend. i love our talks. i love your heart. i love your laugh. i miss watching NCAA games with you. i miss watching movies with you. i miss you letting me sleep on your bed while you sleep on the floor. i miss receiving hand written notes i can't understand because you, like me, inherited dad's terrible writing. i miss your typed notes of encouragement. i'm so proud to be your sister. i'm so proud of who you are becoming. i love who you are.

Joseph: God will increase

Asher: happiness/fortunate/blessed

....brother, you are the increase from God of blessing and happiness into my life. you are what your name means. not only for me, but for all who know you. what a prophetic naming!

you are a miracle. you should not have been. doctors said it wasn't possible. but the prayers of mom and dad refused to give up on a dream of having their own little boy...and just when it was almost too late, a miracle. God sent you from Heaven to mom's womb...and as long as i live i will never forget the joy on their faces as they told abi and me about you. tears of joy streamed down their faces. tears of joy slide down my own face as well, right now. 

you are my joey. today is your day. and i love you. 

ooo happy of happiest birthdays to you!

*if you don't get that, you obviously have not read Lord of the Rings, nor care for Frodo...