seana, my flower girl

tonight, finally, abi and i were able to skype. we normally talk every day. even if just a few moments. but its been over 2 weeks since i saw her, or my beloved babies:

my sweet first born, seana jane, and my little namesake, sadie may.

i love those girls.

seana was adorable as she smiled real big and told me she had very exciting news to share.

she got real close to the camera and proudly exclaimed how she is gonna be a flower girl this year!

i wish the world could see her delight. and pride. 

she is an image of beauty.

our cousin, molly, is getting married in july and asked seana to be her flower girl.

oh, the memories it brought back! memories of abi and i. flower wreathes in our hair. frilly dresses on. princess shoes. we were flower girls more times than i can count, and each time was so special. a day, a memory, i have yet to forget. 

it is such a big deal to me being asked to be a flower girl. such a big "step" in a little girls life. seana is at the age she'll remember the day. she'll remember thinking it was her day. and thats ok. because its good for her to store up memories of her being doted on and cherished now. its good for her to be involved in a good wedding and marriage celebration. its good for her to be a princess too. good for her to be silly and dress up and live her childhood. 

but, it made me dearly sad. i cried a bit getting off the phone. you'd think seana was getting married for how i felt. i was so sad knowing i'd miss out on Molly's wedding. i'm even more sad now. being an aunt does strange things to your heart.

she is not a little baby anymore. 

she's growing up. big moments in her life are happening. they aren't waiting till the Lord moves me back home, they aren't slowing down. she's growing. i'm missing some of her best years. i'm missing sadie's first steps. i cant get that back. time isn't pausing while i do and live and be where the Lord has called me to be. 

i love that little girl. 

i love every time i see her on skype. i love every photo. i love every story of her "stealing" her mom's cell phone to call her grandparents. i love her silliness and stubbornness. she is growing. she is now at "flower girl" age. soon, she'll be a "junior bridesmaid," then it'll be time to date, then for prom, then for college....driving....her own marriage. i don't want to look back and feel i missed out. but it'll happen. for all that i try and do and keep in touch, being here requires and necessitates i miss out on things. special milestone things in her life.

i counted the cost again tonight. sometimes i joke that for all that i miss out with family i better get another jewel in my crown in Heaven. and i might well. but, i can't imagine a jewel rare enough to satisfy missing out on the girls growing up. He is my jewel. He is the reason i sacrifice living where i am comfortable. living with my family and friends. because i do believe being where He has called me is worth it. and i do believe He is worth it. and the peace that He gives me to continue walking where He illuminates is what gets me through moments like this....

and, seana jane, your aunt bebek is so stinkin proud of you! oh, how i love you, sweet girl. what a beautiful little flower girl you're gonna be. 

about the link we share

as long as i remembered. when one hurts, so does the other.

when one experiences joy, so does the other.

when one is feeling beaten down so is the other...

its just how its always been.

how it always will be.

i remember being 8. laying in a hospital bed. a routine surgery didn’t turn out as planned.

i reacted to medicine the normal person can handle. what should have been in-and-out,

lasted for 3 days. or was it more, mom? i can’t remember...

i do remember being so sick...and hurting so much....

and dad brought abi and joey to see me. i remember his face, my baby brother, not even 3.

we strangarity’s might not always say our emotions well, but we have always worn them well.

seeing me so sick traumatized the poor kid.

not even 4 hours later, out shopping with dad he decided he was going to start throwing up too.

because i was. because he hurt for me. 

so he literally became sick too. 

all over the grocery cart, check-out counter, everything.*

thats how its always been with us.

when i'd have a giggle and joy rise up for boxing out someone twice my size, because you can do that when you box out properly, he'd smile too.

when he'd smash some tail back out of nowhere, cause a fumble, because thats what he did

as one of top linebackers in the state, i'd laugh with him. 

an innate sense of joy and accomplishment after destroying "the enemy," 

(the other team).

there's always been an unspoken trust. 

a shared form of mental processing that is weird and off but perfectly normal to each other.

february stole a lot of energy. good and bad. 

from me, from you.

and its amazing how catching up reveals all that.

two hours skyping is almost as good as getting coffee at chestnut cafe in person.

ok, ok, not even close. but the next best thing, right, joey?

i wrote a song this morning for us, brother.

about Him. and His new grace each day. about how He forgets every stain, every choice, everything, when we but ask. about how i can't and don't and wish i could. about how i don't know how to forgive myself. about how i miss you. i wrote it out sitting behind my lapa in the trees. monkeys danced in the limbs above me and i said my heart. for you, for me. then i stole away to roelene's and the piano. and i sat and created melody and music. melody and music that is fitting for hope. for future. because we have hope and future, and He isn't finished with us and will complete what He started. melody that is about Him and His blood making me new. about music that says what words always fail to communicate. about me feeling so sweetly comforted knowing you understand. knowing you believe for me, for yourself.....

it was the weirdest fastest its ever come. but that doesn't surprise me. it always comes so fast when i'm overwhelmed and words fail...

i love you, little brother. don't you want to fly to me for spring break?

*this could be one of our favorite family stories. it certainly is up there.

and momma....because you always worry and remind me of our 'link,'

i'm ok.

really, mom. He is very big today. i love you, too; 

and daddy, also you.

jealous you're all getting together to see Joseph. may it be good and sweet and may you miss me there less than i will miss you all together, here..

the difference between "us" and "them"

before i upload what i created last night, i was sent this link this morning and i HAD to share it. ooo dad, is it not hilarious and right on?!?!?! anyone else watch LOST?! i am sad to say i'll have to wait till the end of the year for the dvd's to come out to see this season...but i'm still so excited it started back up!!
please go to this link and read this little "what type of sandwich a LOST character would make" article.
i can't make up my mind if i like Jack or Sawyer's sandwich more. i seriously was giggling so hard reading this. ooo do yourself a favor and read it!
............................................
i was also sent this photo yesterday from a friend. its far to ostentatious not to share!

apparently this is lady gaga. gotta admit i have only seen one photo (that i know of) of her before and this is not it. but c'mon! that outfit...for real? oooo it is killing me. after the red carpet she changed into another even better outfit.

i seriously almost peed myself when i saw it!

i often feel so sad for "famous" people because they do so many "stunts" like this outfit to get attention and approval and some sort of connection. i guess i'm just glad i'm not desperate like that and know where i belong and more importantly, who i belong to.

................................................................................

i thought it would be highly amusing and fun to record the differences i’ve noticed so far in

the way americans are verses south africans. this is not exhaustive by any means but having been here 

for 7 months i’ve picked up on some funny patterns.

hahahhhahaha 

American	South African
boys: will never wear shorts above their knee caps	boys: celebrate their legs and show em off
boys: do not wear man capri’s	boys: do wear man capri’s. and they like them. and they are growing on me!*shocked face!*
girls: will wear skirts and dresss	girls: do not really wear skirts or dresses. at all. like never ever.
girls: almost always have shorter shorts then boys	girls: usually wear longer shorts than boys, or of equal length.
boys: will hunt deer. maybe	boys: will hunt wildebeast, or impala, or sable, or...or...or...
girls: will shriek when they see insects and bugs	girls: though they are not “bug happy” they do not shriek in terror upon seeing bugs
boys: will hunt with a gun	boys: will prefer to hunt with a bow and arrow, but use both.
will have a barbeque maybe once a month	will braai** at least once a week
drive on the right side of the road	drive on the left***
they say: awesome	they say: lakker
will worry about bad hair days	will worry about running into a snake out on a walk
know the pleasure and enjoyment of dunkin donuts	have yet to partake of such pleasure
people drink coffee, then some tea, and a few drink hot chocolate (except for snowy winter days)	they all drink tea, some hot chocolate, and a few coffee
kids will wear shoes when out in public	kids do not wear any sort of foot protection. this includes public malls, movie theatres, grocery stores, schools, doctor’s offices, etc...kids are always barefoot, up to about 12 years of age. gross and weird.
will watch tv for entertainment	will hike a mountain or play games, hardly ever watch tv.

 its weird they don't drink coffee here really...

(cue long coffee induced digression. in: 3, 2, 1....GO!)

ahhhhhhhhhhhh i miss drinking my “drug” of choice each morning and afternoon and throughout the day.

someone please open a real coffee shop close by. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

(this is where i thought the digression would end. turns out my mind was still on a roll!)

o my goodness and i know i am obsessed with coffee. i know it. but i wouldn’t say i’m an addict. 

addicts get headaches and the shakes when they don’t get their “fill.” 

i’ve never once had a headache from lack of coffee drinking or

had the shakes. in fact, for as much coffee as i consume on my own, i should.

 but i don’t. i think its because the caffeine doesn’t affect me. like my father i have the 

joy and ability of drinking a great cup of coffee at 9pm just before bed with a cookie and

falling asleep not 20 minutes later. coffee is not a “wake-up” necessity for me. it doesn't, and never

has, kept me awake when tired.

it has and always will be my preferred drink of choice (after water, of course). 

it has and always will invigorate me and delight me.

there is nothing like a freshly brewed pot of coffee. just the smell signals to my brain and being

that joy is soon to erupt inside me!! ahhhhhh

i could write a pathetic love tale about coffee and myself.

i’m a coffee connoisseur. 

i can tell you where in the world a brew is from with one little sip.

i can tell you if it was a rainy season or dry season.

ok, ok, that last part was made up...hahaha, can anyone tell that?! but i can, for reals, tell you 

where a brew was grown.

my preferred brew: cafe bustolo. a cuban brand (holla, homeland!), which is actually an espresso.

i prefer my coffee the german way. strong and thick. 

i also usually drink it the german way as well: with milk and honey.

i drink it black.

i drink it was sugar.

with creamer.

with just milk.

with honey only.

ahhhhhh there are infinite ways to have a cup of coffee.

its been far to long since i had a good cup. i have so many goals for this year.

seriously, i have a very long list.

but, one of the easier to accomplish goals is to buy a french press so i can 

have a semi-good cup of coffee instead of this nescafe stuff.

i like nescafe...but it misses the experience of coffee that i love so.

and its always been about the experience to me. the flavor of it as it runs down my tummy and warms my 

whole body and the way the smell fills everything with its delectable scent. ahhhhhhhhhhh

ok, before i start making you all think i’m a wacko i should stop.
this is from my coffee loving college roommate. (side note: the two of us sorta opened a little coffee house out of our dorm room. we'd have lines before chapel and had various flavours, etc...etc...fun times with ellen.)

"Coffee should be black as hell, strong as death, and sweet as love."

*for instance, i get made fun of when i wear my skirts and dresses.

**(a better, longer version of barbeque)

***absolutely LOVE this. somehow my ambidextrous brain finds it much easier to drive here then it ever felt in the

states. i guess its like those weird random times i’d switch it up on a team and bat lefty. or like when i’d drive my 

gymnastics teachers nuts and baffle them in my ability to do a left-hand cartwheel correctly and my inability to ever 

do a right handed one. it could be like the litany of little things i do backwards... 

all that to say, score one for God creating me this way *smile*

sweet joeli girl

its amazing how life is going
on way
only to
instantly flip up on itself
and stop.
not even
necessarily change direction,
just stop all together.

its amazing
how
when something drastic occurs in
your life
time doesn't move at all.
or it moves to fast.
everything blurs together,
time blurs together,
there is no
time.

two years today was a very normal day.
i talked with my big sister in the morning. double checking
we were on for our
"ultrasound" date on thursday.
it was a tuesday afternoon.
normal. by all standards.
i spent the day teaching my little spanish students at school.
abi was doing the mom thing with seana.
all of us anticpating thursday ultrasound to find out
if baby number two would be a little
girl
or little boy.


she was a girl.
she was lovely.

i remember being at jordan's parents house.
which praise the Lord was less than 4 miles from the hospital.
i remember just arriving when my sister called
frantic
crying
barely understandable
telling me the doctors couldn't find a heartbeat.
where am i?
can i get to the hospital and watch seana?
and be there?
and over and over
"bek, they can't find the heartbeat..."
"they say the baby is gone..."
"bek, i don't...i can't....bek...."

tears stained my cheeks as i ran around the living room and kitchen
trying
to find my keys
and purse.
panic mode set in.

i got to the hospital.
found sean, abi and seana and then
took the little lady so sean and abi could go
for
ultrasounds
and other doctor things.

soon my parents arrived.
that was somewhere around 8.
the night faded in a blur from then on...
i remember sitting in the little chapel of womens & babies
and thinking
so many are destroying life and not even
caring and here is
my sister...
and for some reason her baby, sean's baby...
was
flown home.
i was angry.
angry that my sister's baby wasn't going to live to take its
first
breath.
why?!

it would be a long night. a long next day.
i remember not feeling or thinking.
but crying.
somehow, despite not feeling anything
tears still were a constant
companion.

i remember sean and abi having no choice but to deliver the baby.
let me tell you. i held abi's hand during seana's birth.
it was painful. but there was excitement and joy knowing
a little screaming child would come forth soon.

having to go through labor....
knowing, the precious baby you carried was
not going to scream or cry or coo
was agonizing.
for me.
i have yet to understand how my sister and sean made it
through the night.

the medicine they gave abi to induce her was what they give for an abortion.
it all made me sick.
i was revolted that not only mothers chose death over life
but
that the same agent of death was
what was being used
for my sister...

mom and dad told me at 4am to go home and sleep for a few hours.
they'd stay and i'd come back later.
i went home.
sat in the bathtub for
who knows how long.
sat on the floor for who knows how long.
watched the sun rise.
pleaded with God for a miracle....
for a wrong
diagnosis.

headed back to the hospital around 830.
abi and sean decided they wanted to be alone for the birth of their
second born.
so dad, mom and i sat in the waiting room for a bit.
the nurse came and got us...

another little girl.
another sweet niece.
Joeli Grace Dougherty.
Jo-from my mom's middle name: Jo
Eli-from sean's mom middle name: Elizabeth
grace after the women who helped raise mom, a second grandma.

21 weeks of life
requires a state approved
burial.
never in my life do i pray to have to watch a sibling
bury a child.

no parent should ever bury their child.

we should have shared a birthdate in the middle of
june.
we should have shared hugs, and kisses,
and a love for reading and playing outside.
we should have done
a lot
of things.

but all we shared was a gentle glance.
and i looked at her little delicate frame
and prayed that she'd freeze forever
in my mind
till i would finally hold her
in my arms. till i'd
finally
know her.

her sweet tiny hand and footprints are something i
look at a lot
and wonder over.
wondering if she'd have big brown eyes like seana.
or crystal blue ones like sadie now has.

i wonder if i'll ever not be upset i didn't know her.
if i'll be able to look at abi, look at the girls
and not think of the sister that is not present.

steven curtis, on his new cd has a song called "Heaven is the face."
steven lost a daughter too.
heaven is not only the face of my sweet joeli.
its the face of many others that i love too much that
left
too soon.
its also the face of HOPE.

and today, especially, i'm so grateful that I know,
and that i love, and
serve
a God who not only created this world and me and
joeli,
but a God who has promised to come back for me.
He's given me a Hope in seeing Joeli again and doing
all the things this auntie's heart has longed to do.

beautiful big sister the week before joeli died...

happy birthday up in Heaven, Joeli!
may you be kissed by Angels and
know you are loved on earth.

sean and abi...i have not stopped praying...
and i love you both.