buddies since babies....

i have two girlfriends.
we've known each other since we were very itty bitty.
but, before i talk about them. i
hit the ooo so typical of rebekah
wall.
.............................................
today i felt it started.
i knew it was coming.
i felt the stirrings and proddings and
fighting
occur in small doses
before.
but, today
it was painfully obvious.

i rushed to get ready to head out to eat with some of my
buddies since babies.
literally.
since we were in diapers we have been very close friends.
we've been friends through a cross country move,
through a cross the ocean move,
through a lot. *smiles*

i wanted to get out of the house before i saw anyone. i figured my chances were fairly good since the kids were either already at work or sleeping still since it was "earlier."
no such luck. ran into mom...who "prodded" me to wait and run into dad too.

i love my family. it wasn't that i don't like seeing them.
its just that i hit the wall where it has/where it is too hard to see them.

instead of storing up all the love and laughter and joy
i have here.
i've shut myself out so when i leave again so soon
it won't be as hard.
ooooo its so silly and stupid and
never works.
but i keep thinking it will.

slow learner, i am.

didn't want to give another hug to the two who believe in me and love me most.
who i love most.

ahhhhhhhhh

no matter what i do i can't love less fiercely.
knowing this goodbye could very well last 12 months
i feel the need to make it last.
which also makes me feel the need to shut off now.
its like i can convince myself if i don't love these last few days it won't
be as hard saying goodbye.
such lies.
lies! lies! lies!

countering that is easier now that i'm aware i'm living in
dead emotional land.
but still hard.
still sad.

i love my family a lot.
these few days have been some of our best together.
ever.
laughter and hilarity and the peace of just being in
each others presence.

make it last longer, Lord.
teach me to freeze time. to freeze moments. to slow down and enjoy more.
to enjoy them more.

................................
i love these two girls. a lot.

last time we were all in PA we got together at the exact same spot and i'm fairly
certain two of the three of us ordered the exact same thing.
creatures of habit, we are.

we tried to take a "funny" photo...somehow only crystal is making a face.

however, i feel this perfectly describes "us" so i like it anyway.
lavina: cute and the most timid and quiet of the three of us. just a sweet peace always. the stability.
crystal: silly and the most outlandish one of us. the leader.
me: laughing at crystal, or myself, or the three of us together. the lover.

girls...so nice to get together again. love you both!
................................

santa's lap

ahhhhh such wonderful times here at home. time is going by to fast. its unnerving.

last week, the day after i arrived, the entire family plus a cute girlfriend, plus two of my "girl-friends," traveled to Christmas Village. This is THE place to be every year for Christmas. and every year i've been alive, i've been there.

also, every year it is the same santa i see there. literally, the exact same santa. its the same santa that i sit on his lap and whisper to him what i want and then he gives me a candy cane. it has been the same santa since we started going there when i was just a thought in my mom's belly.

this little girl is now all smiles and giggles and is her auntie's delight.

my brother and i are friends; also,  i was tired from walking and hitched a ride for a bit.

this is my family. i feel like this describes our personalities rather well.

ahhhhh so nice to have best friends along for the insanity.

it was marcia's first time ever sitting on Santa's lap. such a weird concept for me. i mean, sitting on Santa's lap has been very common place for me since i was a baby.

i love Christmas Village. i love being home.
..................................................
today marks one week since i landed back in the states. the snow i prayed for each day has melted. it was my miracle snow and i loved every moment of it. my jet lag still kicks in each day around 5pm and for two hours i'm dead, but then i get my second wind and i seem to be doing well.


its sad knowing i have only one more monday here. o well. it is what it is.
and
i'm ready to go back home. i'm ready to
live out of my closest, not my suitcase (es).
ready to get going with the start of the new school year.
ready and tired at the same time.

christmas, indeed.

he came for me.
nothing is more vulnerable and fragile then a little baby.
completely dependent on everyone, on anyone else.
that is how he came.
the king of all kings left everything to empathize with the masses.
with me.
to know what it feels like to wear flesh, to have needs to have pain.
he entered my mess.

the older i get the more i love Jesus.
i love him. he just understands me.
i understand him.
and i have such strength from him.
in him.
he gave up everything for me.
no matter how i try and understand, i can’t wrap my
mind around all he let go of
to understand me.
to save me.

extravagant love.
somehow he gave up everything for me.
radical love.

i know tomorrow is not the “real” date he was born.
i mean, i guess it could be, but mostly likely its not.
it is the day we celebrate it though.
ooooo how i treasure the little babe that came in the manger.
....................
i haven’t had much free moments to breath or think and
forget about blogging.
being home has been so delightful.
my heart already feels full of months worth of joy.

nothing fills my heart like my family and our laughter
and the ridiculous things we do trying to one up each other
in sillyness.

i hope you have a merry christmas and feel the depth of love God went
through to reach you;
to let you know you are loved.
you are loved.
ooo what a glorious thought!
he loves us! he came for us!
merry merry christmas indeed!

of sickness and cute photos

i haven't spent a night on the bathroom floor in a long time.

not sure if i ate something funky or all the drainage form my nose didn't make my belly very happy.

seriously, i can't even remember the last time i threw up. i think it was freshman year in college, 5 years ago! i wouldn't mind forgetting this time and NEVER having this occur again.

what a lonely night it was. i kept thinking i could fall in the toilet and no one would know, or i could fall on the way and smack my head and never wake up. it was some serious psycho babble going on in my head. and most of that is my recollections from tonight. last night i just prayed i'd make the toilet in time.

praise the lord i didn't have to work today. i got up and waited till all the kids arrived then walked them to queen at the house so she could watch them. i came back and went to bed. i was back in my bed at 8, i didn't wake up again till lizzy and roelene came to check on me at 230.

that is 6 1/2 hours of no throwing up.

the momma's went to work on me. i was given medicine and some liquids to drink. i managed to eat 2 crackers while they waited and watched and was told my fever was down. (i could have told them this...as sometime during my sleep i kicked the constant on/off cold/hot-ness.

they loaded me with drugs and love and told me to fall back asleep as soon as they left.

that wasn't hard to do...i can barely keep my eyes open. i laid in mi bed sound asleep till 445. at which point i woke up and manged to keep down a full cup of water! and 4 crackers. i was able to stand to walk and open my windows and moved from my bed to my new beloved chair. it was a very productive few moments for me.

i've now managed to keep down some mash (mashed potatoes) and another cup of water.

and i'm off to bed. so tired and achy.

would you pray that i wake up much better and that come sunday feel almost new? i've never flown sick before and i don't think its something i want to try anytime soon.

i never got to say goodbye to my kids today. it makes my heart very sad. i also have so much to do today (that never got done...) and tomorrow too. at this point if i make it through the night ok and tomorrow too i'll just throw out my to do list.
...............................
also, was sent this darling engagement photo link. i LOVE it. i love the hat and the dress and the brooklyn bridge. what a fantastic shoot! i want that dress for christmas...so mom and dad if you're reading add it to my list :) hehehehe

of the forgotten two and sickness and a new room

o my gosh! how could i have forgotten THESE two movies: DUH! sometimes i can be so dense....

1) Run, fat boy, run: this movie was directed by david schwimmer, and he was always my favorite "friend." it was one of my favorites from this past year. seriously i think the week we rented it i practically lived at my parents and we watched it every day. it was that good. so much "british" humour in it...joey, dad and i would just laugh and laugh on the sofa. it was nice to see a man fight for his son and lost love. i don't agree with everything in it, but i did love it none-the-less.

2) The Visitor:  i love immigrants and i love music. when the two are combined magic occurs. this is such a sweet (and sad) story about music transforming long dead hearts. to me, this is why i LOVE being overseas, there is such a sweet endearing simplicity and love that exists outside of america. (not that america doesn't have loving people. but they are the minority and most other places have love like this in abundance. a sad but true fact). i gave this as gifts to many people this year. i think everyone should own it.
...............................
i'm not a super good sick person. i just want to crawl into bed and not move till i'm better. yesterday i
started having a very silly nose. by the evening my throat wasn't super happy but i just figured it was all the dust after my apartment transformation in the afternoon.
well, today i'm on what i like to call PDay. (think D-Day). PDay is possible sickness day. today is the day before i get whatever it is i'm about to get full blown. i'm on the edge. either i'll kick it in my sleep tonight or wake worse. anything is possible, its PDay.

i'm not surprised i am getting sick. too much to do before heading home this weekend. way to much to do. i have three more sleeps here, one sleep on the plane and thats it, my feet will hit the ground in america. weird.
ahhhhhhhh please pray i can swallow easier, breath easier, keep food down in my belly easier and just all around be able to enjoy my last few days here.... thanks!
.......................
yesterday, lizzy called and asked if i could watch nicole and jacques today because she had to run errands. of course its always fine for them to do school and hang out with us. i love those two. so much. well, this morning they rushed into the room and were ALL smiles.
"close your eyes, bekah" we have something for you!"
"we have something for you to remember us when you are with your family in america and away from us...we miss you already..."
{can we just pause and say how adorable is that?!?! they miss me already and we're hugging as they say it. to be honest, i miss them already too...}
so i open my eyes and they have placed a little jewelry pouch into my hands. inside is a darling necklace and matching bracelet that is made from beads that they created for me yesterday.
O MY GOSH!
i almost started crying. they were so proud for making it and just so FULL of love for me. if i had magic i would have have frozen that moment. it was pure incandescent joy.
i'm a sucker for anything homemade and i have a feeling this could be my favorite christmas gift i receive this year. possibly even topping the knee socks leah gave me with gnomes on them. and we all know how much i love gnomes..and knee socks
...................................................................
tommy blessed me so much yesterday. finally, 6 months later, i feel like my little lapa is feeling like my home. i feel like i live there now, i dont just rent a room from the lodge. oooo glorious day!!!

he drilled holes into my walls for the brand spanking new curtain rods. he put the rods up. he took the old ones down. i gathered screws and attached the new curtains to the rods. we made a great team.
then (as if that wasn't enough!),
he offered to drive over to the warehouse to pick up one of jacques and lizzy's chairs they said i could have. you have NO IDEA how much this excited me!!! i have a small single bed that till now i have sat on, slept on, ate my meals on, had guests sit on, etc...i've gotten so sick of my bed i've started sitting on the floor just to change it up. they said i may use their chair since it was just sitting in storage but i've had no ride down there and though not a far walk, a walk that is near impossible when carrying a nice chair.
so,
off we went to get my chair! HOLLA!!!! WOOT WOOT!
he even did all the beating for me cleaning it. i vacuumed the chair attempting to get rid of months worth of african dust and he took a long pole and beat it. let me tell you, he went at it! by the time he was finished no dust was coming out of it. we then lifted it up into my lapa and
TA DA new home!!! O HAPPY DAY!
thank you, tommy!!! over and again and again, thank you!

Before: (don't mind the extra bed. it was when my dad was here visiting. the bed is gone but it looks the same* it looked the same*)

plain white curtains with funky zebra boxes at top.

 

AFTER!
*JOY EXPLODES FROM FACE*

(also, i am in the middle of packing. so the bags all over the floor are gifts and such so excuse the mess!)

the view from my doorway!

the view standing from the bathroom.

hello, come visit me...i have a place for you to sit now! :)

i LOVE mr. price! found this rug (EXACTLY what i wanted!!) for only $8!. note the keyboard i play behind it under the bed and my shoes further behind still....

you can't really tell but i have four tanish/brown curtains and one red one. it would have been too much red if i got them all that color, but i did need "some" color. plus my bedspread has red strips in it as does the rug...perfect. i love that the curtains aren't all the same, i prefer to be a little "off" in my clothes or decorating or whatever....

i love it! i love having a white bed it just helps me feel peaceful and sleep well. i love the dark browns and rich reds throughout the room....i love having a chair to sit on! i LOVE it. all i need is some throw pillows and i'll be in heaven. but for now...i'm a VERY happy girl :)

of movies and the best this past year.

i'm getting very excited thinking about blogging about my favorite books and movies from this past year.
very excited.
is that weird?

i love top ten lists (or top 5).
i love finding out what is bringing
joy to a peson
in the moments of each day.
honestly, i think i could create a top ten list for anything
every single day and be quite content.

i'm not sure how close i must be to the new year to write back on the movies and books
i loved so......
i'm starting TODAY!
i couldn't wait.... *grin*
if you care to see what movies i loved last year. see my old blog (and post). {side note: finding that post was hilarious bc i semi read all my other posts over on xanga. wow. hilarious. can't believe i started writing over there back in 05! SO glad to have that journal readily available to view and laugh at now. also, so glad for forward motion!!}

without further adieu:

i back linked to imdb and the trailers in case you need

(like me)

more information *smiles*
{NOTE: i just doubled checked all my links and realized that i used "further adieu" on my post about movies from last year on xanga. WOW! i must really like that word!! too funny}

1. Defiance: by far my favorite movie of the year. From the company I was with when I first saw it to seeing it multiple times it just got better and better. I love Liev and anything he does. This was brilliant. I love stories of men who despite everything decide to stand for what is right. such a lovely story it made me cry. Also a rare hollywood movie that is close to the "real" story; kudos.
   
2. slumdog millionaire: love this movie. it deserved every accolade it received at the oscars. love how it brought to light what life is like for so many without glorifying it or pitying the poor. it also makes me cry.
3. away we go: could be the best "indie" movie of the year for me. original, classic, hilarious, and surprisingly touching. it also made me cry at the end (surprise, surprise...). best soundtrack of the year too; love alexi. i think i love jim (err...john) more and more every day. *smiles*
   
4. harry potter & the half blood prince. (sorry mom and dad. know you hate that i love everything harry). brilliant. just brilliant.
5. i've loved you so long: I have a very soft spot for french films and for kristen scott thomas. i tend to always think both are lovely through and through. this is such a simple and quirky film on the love between sisters. plus it subtly promotes adoption which makes me LOVE it. its heartbreaking. if you want to cry watch it, otherwise you should probably just skip it. what a good story!
   
6. inglorious bastards: if you can get over the ridiculous amounts of violence this is one of the most clever scripts i've seen in a long time. i thought it was supposed to be a comedy, which it sorta was, but it was full of heart and desperate broken people too. it was sad and real and quirky. i really liked it but don't recommend it for everyone. it was hilarious to see ryan from the office too. cracked me up.
   
7. up: what a surprising film! i haven't seen an animated (or real for that matter) film with the main relationship being one of old man and little boy. again, i cried a lot during this movie. i found the way the two played off of each other so endearing. PLUS, it had balloons in it. i have a thing for balloons. also, the fat little faces were adorable, loved this animation!
   
8. taken: i loved this movie for shedding light on women who are captured and sold into sex slavery. i loved this movie because of the love a father had for his daughter and his willingness to do whatever to get her safe and home again. i also loved this movie because i love liam, and luc besson wrote it; i love him too.
   
9. sometimes in april: the people i know who lived through the genocide in Rwanda say this is the most accurate portrayal of what it was really like those 100 days. not an "easy" watch, but should be a mandatory one. plus the guy who plays charles minor from the office is the lead character, which is strange but fascinating. he is SO good in this movie. think outside your worldview and go rent this. it will break your heart but in the good sort of breaking...
   
10. madagasscar two: escape from africa: i see this probably twice a week. it is the "staple" afternoon 'nap' movie for the school. because i'm alone a lot and some of the boys sleep i usually put a movie on to keep the other boys quiet. this is what they choose. the fact that i've seen it roughly 50 times and still find it absolutely hysterical has to say A LOT. i love king julian so much, he's my favorite.
    
11. state of play: saw this with my brother. LOVED it. jason bateman makes me wanna pee my pants plus it was an allstar cast in general and kept me guessing. loved this movie.

(i know, i know...i couldn't pick just 10. so sue me)

have yet to see (silly africa) but think i will LOVE

1. where the wild things are
2. 500 days of summer
   
3. the brothers bloom
4. the blind side and
   
5. the boys are back
   

what are your top ten movies of the year?!?!

of the amish and answered prayers...

oooo Elmer, when will you learn?!?! you can't drink and drive!

brahahahhhahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHhahahahahhaha

when i was reading my beloved local paper online (oooooo to hold you in my hands and feel you between my fingers and get your ink on my fingers....) i saw this article and LOST it. man, i love the dichotomy of living with amish people that lancaster gives. such a fun place to live...never a dull moment thats for sure!

......................

i've been praying VERY consistently for over two weeks now that the week leading up to me being home would be "chilly." i asked God for overcast gray skies and highs in the 70s. considering it has been in the 90s since late oct and its our summer i knew this was a bold request. but i also know that my body has never handled the fall/winter transition well at home and that is when i am living it. i knew going from hot hot to freezing would freak out my body. and we all know that my body is sorta fragile.

i boldly asked for this because i knew i needed all the breaks i could get. and you know what? last week a cold front moved in. its rained every day and been so cold i've had to wear pants and a sweater. three times i even broke out my scarf. i dont really think i'd normally have done that but it felt appropriate as it is the "Christmas Season." today was so chilly i had to turn the heater on during school.

i'm believing in faith that these last few days will also be on the cold side. i mean these "chilly" days we've had have still been in the 70s but...it seems SO cold to me. it might be a small thing, but He answered this prayer and i'm grateful and know my body will be come monday morning and the blustery cold pa wind. HOLLLA *grin!*

........................

conversation between Johanno (2 years old) and myself this very morning. i will be italicized.

c'mon cutie. i not cutie

ok, come her silly. i not silly bekah

oh, come here serious. i not serious.

ok, come here loopy. i not baby (i think we miscommunicated here *grin*)

come here schnukooms (common "pet" name in the strangarity family). i not sugar bums.

brahahahhahhahahaha sugar bums. awesome. i think we definitely mis-communicated here.

.............................

i've been bent out of shape recently. and dreaming.

it seems to me the two are always so closely tied together in my make-up.

i'm never able to dream without evaluating

where i've been and its hard.

perhaps sometime later this week i'll eleborate on the stirrings of these two

thoughts running around in my mind. its after midnight already *grin*

 ..........................

i was telling a story today and i ruined it so bad. story telling has never been my gift. EVER. not at all. if really pushed i can recount something fairly well but thats it. if i am very inspired i might be able to make something captivating and worth listening to but usually i butcher stories. today was no exception. let me explain.

i'm a blonde and say stupid things too. oooo inappropriateness how i love your awkward moments.

yesterday, roelene and i spent the day in pretoria shopping for the restaurant the lodge is opening. after we finished at the first store we went to start the car and it wouldn't start. since everything was going on surrounding this issue in Afrikaans i just sat politely in the car and waited. i know nothing about cars, and my afrikaans is rather awful still, so either way i figured staying put and praying was my best course of action. well, roelene went inside to buy jumper cables and while in there the guy helping us (what a dear...) got it started. he quickly told me to go call my mom and tell her it was working. i was mortified and said she isn't my mom. then he said to get my sister, which i also denied, finally she was my friend.

i mean, does she look like my mom?!?! or sister?!?

well, we here on the farm have been enjoying this story and laughing a lot yesterday and today over it.

it led me to tell of a time when i was confused as an adolescent (2 years ago) and one of my dearest friends was thought to be my mom...

i was sitting in the office with everyone left here on the farm and telling them of that time. basically i told them i was dressed in my black skirt, a hot pink long sleeve shirt and some color t-shirt over it. i had on sneakers bc we went for walk. and my hair was also very long at this time in my life. i told them how we were at the library but in the adult video section. ADULT VIDEO section?!? yes, i said it...but what i meant was like adult as in not child section. not that section. but you'd never have known for their reactions and my mortification. well that story is long and the point was someone thought i was around 11 and told jade that she can bring her daughter to this special book club. what?!?! but anyway, it is a much funnier story than just now re-told. as if to prove my point....

morale of this all (but you'd never know):

i get mistaken for someone's child a lot.

...................................

the boys have started to say shut up about two weeks ago. i was very freaked out because i dont say that word. we dont watch movies/tv that says it and i couldnt' figure out where they got it from. well, last night at dinner my opa was telling me a story and i was shocked and couldnt' believe it and blurted out "SHUT UP!" and instantly realized the boys say it FROM ME!

i say shut up. the phrase i hate more than many others, i use...and the boys do too now. only i don't say it when i want you to stop talking i say it when i am shocked and amazed. but somehow the boys have realized its real intention because they only use it when the want me to stop talking. i'm not kidding. they tell me to stop talking. (makes me wonder what/how they will react when we start having girls in preschool. my boys aren't used to sharing the "talking" limelight. one girl {this girl} is enough for them....) hilarious.

..........................
just got off the phone with my mom and dad. i think we talked almost 2 hours. it was glorious. i know i'll be home so soon but there is just something very nice about the comfort and love a parent can give. i have started a journal entry about my parents earlier this month and pick it up now and then and maybe sometime soon it'll have time to be finished. having these little boys makes me think of parents (mine in particular) all the time...

while on the phone, i had my mom open my christmas card to make sure it looked ok. she was speechless at its lack of color. (and i realize i'm giving a bit of it away...just go with it...) "bekah, where is the green and red? its black and white and red."
i said: "i know mom....its classy and i like it."
ahahahah i might enjoy color more than the average person does thanks to my mom.. but i think i have some taste and style that does not come from her. orange and purple just dont cut it all the time for me. sometimes....just not all the time....
hahaha love you, mom :)
.....................
after i wake in the morning...if i wake in the morning...only 4 more sleeps till i'm home.
would it be wrong if i ask the Lord to wake me 5 more times so i am home one last time?

"if you wish, Lord...that would be wonderful. i'm ready though. so either way. i'll sleep peacefully tonight. you hold my days and put songs in my heart. and tonight i'll dream of you..."
....................
tomorrow i want to tell you about this sweet boy.

and his pretty sister, too

i like them. thats all, for now at least....

lancaster: my love

in case you wondered what my beloved city looks like at night decked out for Christmas...

now, you know!

oooooo sweet Lancaster of mine...I'm coming to you!

A week from today I'll behold your

lovely lights...

drink your warm mocha's...

walk your cobblestone streets...

and frolic in your glory.

we'll be reunited soon my love....so soon!

(photo courtesy of the lovely: alissa weaver)

how are your muscles?

 Back in August I was given a book and told I needed to read it. It wasn't super exciting so I've only read it in little piece mail here and there all spring. I don't like doing that too books. It isn't fair to them that I am not gripped by what the author is trying to say, and it doesn't really let the book "grip" me by reading a little here a little there. O well...

Its probably not right (or normal!) to also be in the middle of a lot of books. Currently I am down to 5 which is fairly good for me. I finished two last week. I just can't finish one book and then start another, I have to have multiple going on at a time. I've always been like that.

But anyway, I am trying to finish this book before I go home and since no one is around the farm anymore I have more free time. Its been quite glorious actually. I just sit and read most of each day. I LOVE it.

Daring to live on the Edge is the name of the book and I'm liking it a bit more. I liked this recent chapter at least. The author is talking about faith and trusting God with our lives and our money.

My favorite line is the one I italicized. wow.

"...have you ever thought about the process God designed for us to go through as infants? Woldn't it have been easier without gravitiy? Toddlers could leap and float about instead of struggling to stand. But that struggle is necessary to help develop our growing muscles.
Similarly, if we never have needs in our lives, if we can do everything without God's help, how can we learn to trust Him? The disciples in Luke 17:5 cried, 'Increase our faith.' They had seen Jesus do so many miracles. Surely He could instantly impart faith to them. But they had to go through the same process we do. Like life breathed into us, faith is a gift from God. But for our faith to increase it must be used and tested."

I'm thinking my faith muscles have not been stretched a lot recently. I hear all the time how brave it is to move across the oceans and uproot everything that once was...but its not to me. It's never been hard or brave to do things like this for me. In fact, in some ways, its easy. I've been really trying to let go and step out in faith believing He will meet me in those places. My faith has been crippled, and like any muscle it is painful trying to re-learn and rehab what once was. But I don't even want what I once had. I want something stronger that will last longer.

When I had my knee surgery it was a pain the butt. Or...pain in the knee cap and hamstring. hahaha
It was awful. I remember waking up in the middle of the night from pain and not being able to take more medicine. I remember on the third day my dad taking AWAY my crutches because I needed to "just do it" and begin using that leg and those muscles again. I was not a happy girl in those moments. Its one of those things that in hindsight I'm glad I had a dad that forced me to do that, but in the moment I wanted to think up strange and unusual forms of torture to inflict on my dad instantly.

But anyway, learning to bend my leg was the worst and the hardest. It was agonizing. Just thinking about that makes my leg and knee almost begin to hurt again now; 7 years later! I never thought I'd be able to stand on that leg and bend it. Surely it would never bend as much it used to.

But I persevered. My parents made me persevere. I had three weeks to rehab it and regroup till I was leaving for three months for west africa. I had three weeks to get it to a point that I was capable of using it. I had no choice but to work tirelessly on getting my leg back in shape. By the time of my surgery my leg had atrophied so bad from lack of use that I not only had regular surgery to recover from but muscle mass that needed to be built back up. It was a broken process.

I did it though. I recovered. I gained full movement back in my leg. I still favor it a bit (I probably always will. You're just always aware of your past scars aren't you?!?!) but it works great.

I worked very hard to train those muscles to get their act in gear and work again. And the stretching....oooo the stretching was so painful. It was in little centimeters that I gained movement some days. Continuous use and practice is what allowed me to finally bend my leg the way I can now. In fact, compared to most people with similar injuries and surgery I have more movement then any of them. I think that is because I worked my butt off to get back to where I was prior to being hurt. That and I think the Lord was merciful. 

I need to start really working out my faith. I used to score highest in "faith" in every spiritual gift test ya know. I think I'd still score very high (since when did we start neglecting the Christian faith to tests and formats and systems?!?! but thats another post....) but not as high as I used to. I haven't really done anything that makes me stretch out in faith that I'll fail miserably if He doesn't show up. Well, doing the coffeehouse in July was a big thing for me...but thats been about the biggest thing in a long while.

all that to say I better start exercising my faith more or its gonna get weak and fail me.
and that would suck my friends....that would suck big time....

ps: just finished my Christmas card and I feel like SUCH a grownup!!! its my first time EVER making a Christmas card and I'm so proud of myself! wanna see it?!?! You'll have to wait till its arrived where it should (ie. your home) but to tide you over, here is a photo I saw this week on the www and it makes me happy! isn't it adorable?!?! isn't this little girl adorable?!?! ahhhhh i can't wait to be back home in cold PA weather and break out my tights! Oooooooo yesssssssss

kisses bring the joy, my friends

yesterday was a good day.

the boys and i drew on the cement walkway.

they practiced writing letters.

they can do a very good

"P" "D" and "B"

their other letters struggle...but i'm impressed none-the-less

*smile*

then we used a gift "tannie Leah" gave us and we drew on all the windows of my house.

leah, they were in their GLORY! thank you!!!

what a great gift for them! *HUGE GRIN!*

we had a little dance party in the afternoon.

i put on some christmas tunes and started singing to them.

they all started laughing (not sure if i sounded that bad or was that funny).

*grin*

i got them to dance with me too.

we pranced around the room singing and dancing and laughing.

it was delightful and wondrous in all the ways

the Christmas season should be...

then we went back outside. it was one of the few sunny days this week. the rain has been

mighty. i LOVE our rain.

rain here is lovely and cools it down.

i love the rain at home too.

in fact, one night this week (i think tuesday,) i even went outside

for a midnight stroll and there might even have been

midnight moon filled rain soaked dancing too.

just maybe.

some more photos from yesterday...

 

can i tell you how joyful their little kisses are. they boys are starting to become

so affectionate. they have always loved sitting in my lap or hugging me.

literally fighting over who gets which leg for movie times.

but lately, they have begun to give me kisses when they are proud of themselves.

they will run up and grab my face and lightly kiss my cheeks.

they love it.

i love it.

everyone loves it.

i think little boy kisses could heal the world.

certainly they bring more joy to this heart.

anxiety and a happy birthday

Happiest of Birthdays to my dear, Marcia!

if i could, i'd hug you like this. the kind of hug that lasts for a good few minutes...that induces (or soothes) tears, the kind that makes us pull apart to gaze into each others eyes and cause giggles to erupt because we're silly and emotional and we know that and don't care... yes, yes, i'd give you that sort of hug today.

Celebrating you here in Africa today!!

................................................................................................................

in other news...i heard probably the best sermon i have ever listened to (EVER!) yesterday.

i (like millions of other Americans) have become encouraged by Matt Chandler and his church in the past two weeks. i seriously can't even remember how many friends of mine have had him as their fb status update to pray, or who have tweeted about him, or how many blogs i follow that have been dedicated to him. Matt is the head teaching pastor at The Village Church in Texas, 35, husband and father of (2, or 3...can't remember just now) kids and woke up Thanksgiving morning to a seizure. THis lead doctors to find a cancerous tumor in his brain....His story i believe is being used by God so much to bring hope and reality to what a relationship with Jesus looks like as opposed to "the christian religion," of which, i'm sure i'm not the only one that is disenfranchised and fed up...

well, all of this led me to check him and his church out. and i could not be more blessed and encouraged. i love listening to sermon podcasts. its like free church. free food. its wonderful. if i listed all the "churches" i subscribe to, you'd think i'm a junky *smiles*.

well, i'm listening to his churches podcasts and i stumbled upon one titled:

"The Age of Anxiety"

very daunting, isn't it? i haven't fully blogged about my own anxiety. i want to. i think its necessary to share what you know and have lived. isn't that why we go through things? to help others through them? another time i will, but to sum it up: i'm a high A perfectionist (in certain areas of my life) so i think i always had little moments of anxious stress. however, my real journey of anxiety began towards the end of my marriage. i was having multiple panic attacks every day. the worst was driving home after work. sometimes (most times) i cried the whole way home and had to pull over because my heart was racing knowing i was almost home and not sure what would await me there. its terrible to live in near constant fear. i started going to counseling and was prescribed medicine to help me not lose it (literally, i was so close to that). linda, my counselor, saved my life. i don't even feel bad saying that because i know Jesus gave her to me to help me process having a husband betray every vow he made. i know that Jesus used her to be Him to me.

this is already becoming longer than i want! hahahahahah! *smiles*

raise your hand if you're surprised?!

i was on medicine to help me process things and not kill myself for 19 months. yes, i was that low on and off (but thats also another post...). i really need to describe my opinion of depression, anxiety and medicine another time too. i want to tell you about this sermon today.

its wrecked me...

please do yourself a favor and go download the sermon from Itunes. its long, over 40 minutes..

but WORTH it.

go to podcasts. type in "The Village Church" and search for "the age of anxiety" then click "get." its free and takes about 5 minutes or less to download it.

some highlights for me:

• were the statistics on anxiety in the US. i know i have contributed to the statistics but it still is shocking.
• how he showed me anxiety is idolatry using Matthew 6. (can you say, ouch?!)
• anxiety is sin (can you say, ouch, again?!?). let me say it again, anxiety is SIN.
• anxiety stems from us on some level not really believing that God cares for us. we might functionally believe in him, but it doesn't change the way we live so we don't really believe it. (ouch again!)
  
• anxiety exposes our lack of faith in God, in Jesus.

Then he shows us ways we can begin to repent from anxiety and live in peace. In this part i enjoyed:

• how he encouraged us that only by memorizing and meditating on the Truth of God will our anxiety fade. what he has promised me. 
• admit our anxiety and believe that worry is sin and ask Him for help. 
• ask the Holy Spirit to reveal what specific things are causing our idolatry (anxiety).
• you can't do it alone. in this text in Matthew,  Jesus was talking to a group of people, a group of people living in community, you will need others to help encourage you and exhort you to so much more.
• his diatribe on medicine. why? because it did convict me, but he also didn't negate medicine compeltely. 

i find that pastors/Christians either load up like crazy on medicine, or they think you are not a real christian if you go on it. i found the balance and the way he talked about it to be so closely associated with my own.

i summarized things here because i truly (sadly) doubt any of you reading this will go and download the podcast to listen for yourself. i really wish you would. it seriously is a brilliant exposition of scripture on a topic that is ravaging the US (and the world).

i found it practical and deep.
he closed with one of the psalms giving a "case study" of what it looks like to be anxious and repent and overcome that.
please, please go listen to it. you'll thank me. your children (now or future) will thank me, your legacy will thank me.

aDORable

the cutest thing EVER happened literally 5 minutes ago.
you have to understand my boys. they are YOGURT obsessed.
i mean obsessed.
they ask for it before any other thing.
including sweets or cola.
it blows my mind; but its true.

we've been out of yogurt for a few days.
i just haven't been able to get into town to get some for
them. they have been SO SAD.
kid you not.

well today, i asked Roelene when she was in town to get some food
for the school.
yogurt, of course, was on the list.

well, the bags came to our door and the boys (as always)
were excited to help me put things away.
then they saw the yogurt.
let me detail how the three i had at the moment reacted:

perfect's reaction:
jumping up and down while alternating
clapping his hands and waving them in the air shouting: "Hallelujah!"

calvin:
almost frozen in glee. "bekah, yogurt. yogurt bekah. yogurt."

jimmy:
biggest smile EVER as he jumped up and down
"please bekah...now, please bekah..."

ok, is that not the most adorable thing ever?!?!
i wish you could all have expereinced their silly happy faces as i asked them to
sit and then proceeded to give them each a container and spoon to eat.
it was adorable.
SO much joy.

oooo they are little bundles of goodness to my heart.

because everything is always better with a photo. my dad took this a month ago to the day when he was here visiting. i love it because its almost all my boys and me in a shot. also, matthew just threw up (again. but that was the last time! i think we've outgrown it!!) on me and himself so he is shirtless. and its story time so we are sitting in a circle. i love reading stories to them. let me tell ya, these boys will LOVE to read by the time i'm through with them
*HUGE smile*

home?

sometimes i crack myself up, like writing things done in my 
plethora of notebooks and journals. 
seriously, i'm a mess.
i mean, my "organized" self can surface in moments, like with school and what not
but otherwise its like a tornado in my mind and daily living.
think i'm joking, friends entered my home last week and exclaimed: 
"wow, i didn't think SA had tornado's!"
for the record, boys, i left in a rush, on a friday and hadn't been home all weekend. 
give a girl a break. 
*smiles*

i write things in one notebook and can't remember what i ever did with it.
i write on anything. i write when inspired and deal with collecting later on...

so, i thought i wrote about all this before, but i'm thinking and realzing i didn't.
obviously i wrote it about 2 weeks ago. so....be gracious and laugh at the dates. 

 .............................
the fact is i'll be leaving for home in a month.
exactly a month.
*(less then a month ...i started this post earlier in the week)
and in exactly a month and one day i will be
home.

but even writing that
makes me confused and lonesome.
not necessarily lonely. just,
lonesome.
there is a difference.

i wasn't very excited till my dad came.
in fact, in some ways, i didn't wish to go home at all.
it makes it that much harder to leave again...
but
suddenly seeing him and
being reminded of the billions of
gestures, words, phrases,
colloquialisms,
inherent in my very DNA
the thought of home
produced
a longing
unmatched and not satisfied till my
feet touch the soil of
320 school
and my families smiley silly faces
dance across my eyesight.

but it isn't really home anymore.
i mean, it'll always be home.
but its not my home.

i'm a gypsy that dances across the world
putting down roots wherever my feet touch the ground.

and right now,
home is a small little lapa just south of
mokopane, south africa.

and home is 6 little boys that race to school each morning
excited to see my face and jump into my arms.

and home is a 15 year old keyboard that doesn't hold all the
octaves it should, nor does it encompass a pedal,
but its keys hold hours of my heart being spilled out.

home is where my collection of necklaces from both grandmas, a great grandma,
friends and random stores hang above my bed
causing smiles and sighs of joy whenever i see them.

the reality that the home i grew up in
is now just a place i will visit is a
true and sad reality.

the fact that i will be home in less than 3 *{make that 2!} weeks is freakish
to this sentimental heart.
a visit at Christmas.
a short visit with those most dear and beloved in my life.
too short.

** but it will do. it'll have to do.

i live somewhere else now.
this fact has been slowly making itself known
the past month in large and small ways.
the honeymoon phase in the relationship between SA and
myself, has
come and gone and the 23 years of living
life one way in America is finding it hard to
do things new here in SA.

i live here now.
i live here.
i have a few small possessions in my parents basement sure,
but that is it.
i live here now.

thats all a little weird and hard to wrap my mind around.

in roughly 14 days i'll be sitting in my parents living room watching glorious snow fall (it sure better, i've been praying to that end since Oct!) from the sky.
i'll be able to hold my little namesake niece, my joy inducing other niece, and laugh with all my sisters in person. i'll see my brothers and have them hold me and toss me on their shoulders.
okay, totally just made that up, they've never once tossed me. but it sounded nice, didn't it?!?!
no need to skype with each other. we'll really be
together.

in two weeks i'll be home.
home for two weeks.
home to the place that used to be the best place on earth.
i think it'll still fill my heart with contentment and that feeling.
but i think its gonna be harder than i think.

harder because my feet don't belong on that soil anymore.
i moved here.
i am starting a life here. i have started a life here.
so it'll be a visit to the place that i once lived at. where i once lived.
weird.
just weird.

...all that to say though,
holy crap i am SO STINKIN EXCITED!!!!!!!

*{note: i already edited from one "journal" to my primary journal before the edit to here! hilarious!}
**all recently written. ie. last night, dec. 5th

value and worth

i wrote this back on my sisters birthday. i feel like its an
"abi poem" because its more rhymey like her's always are and mine so rarely
seem to be.
i guess because i was missing her and missing her birthday i was
channeling some abi creativity.

but i hadn't wanted to share this. i still don't really. but since i'm trying to be more honest...
*grins*

(it also is not finished and needs help. so judge nicely *smiles*)

my value and worth is not determined
by the size of my thighs
or the color in my eyes

my value lies in the knowledge that I am the pinnacle of all creation.
that i am the cherished one of the creator.
that there is a lover who sees me and loves what he sees

my value and worth is not determined
by the degrees on my wall
or the way my waist is or isn’t small.

my beauty is in each tender touch i extend
in every inviting smile to a stranger feeling alone
it lies in the way my eyes dance and shine after getting
my hands dirty helping someone else.

my value and worth is not determined
by the boys who say i’m pretty
and find everything i say to be so silly.

my beauty is the overflow of grace and
the contentment that today mercy is new for me,
mercy is new in me to dance and breath and be.

my beauty is in each hug offered
in every prayer uttered and
in each giggle that escapes my mouth.

my beauty is in the way He shines in my eyes.
not the amount of make-up on my face
or the latest fashions adorning my body.

no matter how i do or do not feel
every curve has been hand stamped unique and lovely and
good.
and i look so good to Him.

my beauty lies in the passion i have for the enslaved,
my sparkle comes from fighting for the voiceless
and seeking justice for every heart.
my beauty was bestowed long ago and
its value will not cease.
not now, not ever...

............................
"oooooo please, sweet Jesus, let there be snow on the ground and falling from the sky in 2 weeks. 
that is probably one of my only Christmas wishes. amen."

i said it was coming....eating manna all day

i used to wonder if i was hearing the Lord speak to me or
if it was random voices in my head.

i think it all was confounded by the fact that
my personality is one of those that before
any serious, funny or out of the ordinary conversation
takes place in real life, i make sure it plays out in my head.
i play myself and the other people.
i do this so that no matter how the conversation
plays out, i’ve already anticipated it and know how to respond.

i’ve never been good at thinking on my feet; thinking on the fly. and i’d prefer to go crazy running
scenarios over and over in my head then be surprised by something and not know what to say.

of course, this isn’t the silliest thing i do (well, maybe).
this “tactic” of mine does not work at all.

i’m far to analytic for my own good.
every conversation can’t be anticipated and some of my favorites
have not been. they have been when something triggers something in me and stirs
my heart and i am comfortable enough to flow. yes, those are the best conversations.

i ought to stop the whole “plan it out” nature in me.
i’m working on it.

but anyway, that was a major digressing.
(digressing is another wonderful habit of mind)

the point is sometimes i wonder if i am imagining the Lord’s voice or if it is really him.

i’ve spent a considerable part of this year relearning his voice.
its tone, its whispers and shouting.
and the more i hear it the louder it becomes.

i’ve had many little internal battles this fall.
one of the bigger ones has been slowly escalating
till about two weeks ago. at which point i finally sat.

and waited.

waited some more.

and waited a bit longer.

still more waiting.

and more waiting.

i felt like EVERY reader of new moon when pages flip and all you see is a new date. everything else is blank.
yes, that is how long i felt i waited.

finally, small little things began to surface
revealing their simple but withering effects on me.
it was obvious daily choices i was (and still usually am) making
are creating instead of a peaceful spirit one that that is restless and pained.

but i wasn’t sure that it was really the
Lord that showed me all this or if i was just “hearing” things.

so i tried to become more aware of my emotions and what triggers them,
but that was it.

then last night (ergo, i “wrote” this last week. so a few nights ago now) i had a long conversation
with a friend. and if i needed confirmation i received a
outstanding endorsement in the form of a polite calling of my bluff.

see, i’m far to introspective for my own good.
dwelling in melancholy states of mind
when there really is no need.
i think i’ve focused much of the past 3 months or so on
how far i have yet to go to feel like i’m fully healed and “ok” with
everything involved in the jordan fiasco.
i say fiasco because it makes light of the whole situation
and isn’t that what i need more of?

(note: that there is not anything lighthearted about divorce, abandonment,
abuse, addictions or the like. believe me, i know that.
the whole point of this post, which you’ll see, is that i need to relax and
live more. laugh more. but i’m rushing ahead).

side note: my mind is like a 5 year old with ADD. i can barely finish one story
before something in that story triggers another story and before
i realize it i have started and completed 9 different stories
by the time i get back to the original one and finish it.
scary but true.
is it possible to have story ADD? if so, i have it! *grins*

anyway, that was just a perfect taste of how one thing leads to the
next thing and ba ba boom.... ta da!
like it or love it that is how i think and work.
in a constant influx of stories and digressings.

but what i’ve realized in slow and quiet moments this spring is that
i am dwelling in my wilderness.
holding tight to it like its the only hand reaching down for me
as i tangle off the edge of a cliff.
its my lifeline. its what i know. you live in fear, in shame, in desert places long enough
and sometimes the comfort of that and knowledge of that
immobilizes you to do anything else.

yes, it is an excuse.
yes, it is true (except for the weird 5% of people who bounce out of everything
and somehow have this near God-like ability to live and be.
i am not one of those people).

its very hard to let go of what you know and jump into something different and new.
even if that something new and different was something you were before.
and something you want desperately with each breath you breathe.
without trying to i became a creature with the extreme ability to function and grow
but cling securely and tightly to what was.
(serious now, who tries to be semi-depressed all the time? it is never a conscious thought unless you
are a creep and a weirdo. in which case i say, enjoy your weirdness, you freak! *grin*)

i grew.
oooooo o yes i have grown since arriving here.
the progression in my journals and my heart is very encouraging.
but its stilted.
and a standstill occurred by my own doing.

i feel like the Israelites.
probably doesn't help that i’ve been living in those stories and books of the bible recently.
but to my defense i’ve been reading them so much because i want to remember the faithfulness of God
to me, to them, and learn my lessons so as to maybe escape a few years early?!

i seriously think i dream about plagues
and manna for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
but i feel like them, like i’m one of them so much.
just as they were afraid to keep moving forward and longed for egypt, so i
in my own little way have been afraid to really leave everything
for my promised land.

part of it is fear.
part of it is laziness.
part of it is....well, actually, all my other reasons boil into one of those two categories.

but i’m sick of it.
i know just be saying all this and thinking it that won’t automatically
move me forward.
in fact, the closer the Israelites got to the promised land the more battles they had to fight.
but i say: bring it.
because i’m bringing my arsenal of weapons too.
and the more i fight and win the stronger i become.
and i've already been promised the win. i just need to claim it.
can i get an "amen?!!" AMEN!

my weak spirit isn’t very weak. i feel weak, but i have incredible mental, emotional
and as i learned in my surgery last year, physical strength. i take after my mom, i guess. that women is
as tough as they come.
i feel like thomas the train: “i think i can, i think i can, i think i can...”
except i say: “i’m able. i’m strong enough. He in me is strong enough. i can do it...”

but i do so many things because of being insecure and afraid that i perpetuate those feelings inside me
instead of facing what scares me, i run away.
literally.
as was pointed out to me, i literally leave every party i've been at since i've been here for a few moments to think, pray, and gather myself together.
the pain and weirdness and process of being with people that aren’t
strangers, but are by no means my dear friends is overwhelming; so i’d just leave and go sit
in a room quietly for 30 minutes to an hour!
how pathetic is that.
how ridiculous to think that i needed that. i mean, i do believe fully in going to secret quiet places
to refresh, but it was really just me being afraid and retreating to what was comfortable.
it is always comfortable to just sit and cry and pray and think with my sweet Jesus.
oooo Lord, may that never change.
but those actions didn’t help me. sure sitting with the creator of this universe is always a good thing,
but what i really needed was to force myself to learn how to interact and live again.

also,
my favorite music is folk music. of which, there is none better than:
jj (seriously, i can't endorse her enough!), or patty, or ray, or rosie, or sufjan, or iron and wine, or kendall...
and no, i don't think its weird i'm on a first name basis with them. thats how i roll!
but if i don’t watch it...my love for them will plunge me into other similar artists and
soon all i’ve listened to is “that” type of music all day long.
there is nothing wrong with music like that. but it sets my mood for quiet melancholiness.
(totally just realized “holiness” is in the last part of melancholiness. maybe being melancholy isn’t so bad after all!?!?!?!?! *grins*).

but really, i LOVE being quiet and having folk music play as i go throughout my day, but it makes me quiet and somber. and i have enough of that on my own most days to not need to memoralize it in music form.

i felt a bit ago that i should listen to more worship music. i love worship music. i just
struggle to listen to it. always have...and i think i always will.
i could sit and play songs myself; that is real to me, that isn’t fabricated or what not. but listening
to other people worship seems so cheap and i constantly question the motives of the artist.
totally not my place to do that, but whatever, i do it and i doubt i’ll stop soon. i basically put a ban
on all things “worship” related like 3 yeas ago (or whenever it was now, i forget...) when it was the thing to do in the Christian music scene to come out with your own worship cd.
uhhhh, really?!??!

so finding good worship music i like is hard. personally, i consider lots of stuff "worship," stuff like jj,
is worship to me. it is. and she is. but i know that i need something more consistent.
i borrowed and burned some hillsong cds from a friend.
i listen to that or shane and shane to start my day now.
no joke.
my morning consists of being scared by my phone. turning my phone off. slipping into my robe. turning on the the shower, turning on the hot water for tea or coffee (depending on my mood, maybe even milo!), putting on worship music, going back to the shower, showering
(do i need to describe how i shower? this fascinates some people.
for instance, do you clean your legs first? or your arms? face? belly? for me i like to start at the top
and work my way down. its like cleaning...why clean the floors before you clean the walls and counter tops? the floor would just be dirty again... is that too much information?), drying off, slipping back into my robe, pouring my beverage of choice, and finally, sipping as i get dressed.
it is nice. it starts me out well.
but it isn’t enough.

i don’t think i can put away my music completely but i probably should perhaps.
maybe i need a total purging to be healthy again?

what was the original point of all this?
i guess what i’m trying to say is i had all these thoughts about music and leaving on my own,
but not enough gumption to do anything about it till someone in a polite but stringent way called me out.
and this is like the 4th time this spring this has happened.
He has used others to confirm what He already told me because i played the Thomas
(doubter that we both are).
also, its about trying to let go and jump.
i need to be not so melancholy anymore.
i mean, i am not, nor ever will be this bubbly bubble. but
i’m not usually so introspective and quiet and what not.

its gotta go....its gotta go friends.
so, i guess this isn’t a massive secret. but its me being a wondering Israelite
in my wilderness and learning a lesson that
maybe, hopefully, will be my last.
i'm ready for my honeycombs and milk...

secret telling

before i begin where i want. please know how utterly delightful i am
and imagine the smile that is stretched across my face knowing it is now
Christmas Season
and i may listen (without being made fun of) to
all 5 of Sufjan's Christmas CD's. 
by far in my top five favorite Christmas releases ever.
Sufjan is such a genius. i adore him.
plain and simple.

"and now back to our regular scheduled program..."

sometimes i connect so much with things other people have said
or written
or sung
its as if a piece of my heart and soul was the
paltry inspiration
laid bare for all
to see.
its as if a part of
me
was created when their thoughts and feelings were
transmuted.

spoken, written, imagined,
words and the images they conjure
move me in a way few other things in life can or do.

music could be the only exception. sometimes i can hear a piece of music
and be silenced.

i feel as if i could have written all this.
i certainly think this.

"I have come to believe that by and large the human family all has the same secrets, which are both very telling and very important to tell. They are telling in the sense that they tell what is perhaps the central paradox of our condition- that what we hunger for perhaps more than anything else is to be known in our full humanness, and yet that is often just what we also fear more than anything else.

It is important to tell at least from time to time the secret of who we truly and fully are- even if we tell it only to ourselves- because otherwise we run the risk of losing track of who we truly and fully are and little by little come to accept instead the highly edited version which we put forth in hope that the world will find it more acceptable than the real thing. 

It is important to tell our secrets too because it makes it easier that way to see where we have been in our lives and where we are going. It also makes it easier for other people to tell us a secret or two of their own and exchanges like that have a lot to do with what being a family is all about and what being a human is all about.

 

Finally, I suspect that it is by entering that deep place inside us where are secrets are kept that we come perhaps closer than we do anywhere else to the One who, whether we realize it or not, is all of our secrets the most telling and the most precious we have to tell.“
- Fredrick Buechner, Telling Secrets

ooo good ole Fredrick. i cold read a book of his every day and never grow weary of his writing.
his candor moves me in a way that is
sweet and simple, as well as
provoking and enriching.
he's like a tall glass of pink lemonade fresh from the fridge
on a balmy summers night.
surprising, delightful, refreshing.


isn't it so true that the thing we want most in life;
or perhaps i shouldn't speak for you. so,
what i desire most in life is to be seen and known.
fully and irrevocably.
but its so unnatural, huh?
to be naked and unashamed...
a despite striving for Eden, for what was and what will one day be again.
but isn't now.

i layer my clothes to hide myself.
careful attention is put into camouflaging
areas i'm insecure about and don't want "you" to see.

i layer my emotions, my heart.
even more careful attention is far too often put into
camouflaging the parts of me i'm afraid to let "you" see.

my friends say the thing they love most about me is how
utterly honest i am.
and the way my heart lays bare in my hands.
too often i'm too open.
able to pierce the distance of time and space and express
how my heart beats and why it beats.
and how it breaks and what makes it break.
such a strange vast desert of joy and sorrow the human heart!

i'll share to my heart is silenced and leave still feeling as if
i'm not fully known.
as if more secrets have welled up that need telling.

tomorrow, tomorrow. tomorrow
i'll share more. tomorrow i'll kiss the moon and wake the dawn
with as much fullness and abundance as i was given.
i was given it all. i was given an awful lot.

enough to not be afraid.
enough to invite others into sharing their secrets.
enough to delight in the fact that He knows all my secrets;
that He is all my secrets.
every fleeting or sustaining thought i have is begun and ended in thoughts of Him.

i try and be honest when i share on here.* it is usually not very easy at all.
but all i know is to be myself and few places allow me the format to
think and ponder while writing as this does.
i write for me. it is as necessary to me as breathing. if a single soul
never managed to read another entry
i'd still write as i do now.

this is where i spill my secrets in the hope that you can spill yours too.
and by sharing our secrets we can grow.
we can learn to love each other.
we can learn what it means to bare with each other,
pray for each other and
believe in each other.

today i'd like to say that tomorrow i'll share a secret i just am
beginning to realize in myself. okay, i have
been smacked over the head by it this week.
but this post is long enough..

share a secret with me, please?
go ahead, its liberating.
terrifying, yes; yes, yes, of course.
but necessary and lovely.

*because i was asked what the purpose of this blog is, why i write, etc....

yesterday morning, johanno came up to me almost in tears.
"bekah, lift me, bekah.
please, bekah, hold me. lift me."

in one swift fluid motion i had him nestled up on my
hip
tucked into me.

i asked him what was wrong.
before i tell you what he said, you must
understand
my johanno.

he is my toughest
boy's boy.
all boy.
180% boy.
fearless.
extreme pain tolerance.
ALL boy.
never lets me hold him on my lap or kiss him
unless something is wrong.
and even then, never asks to be held,
he only
agrees to it, for a
moment,
then quickly wants down again.

he asked me to lift him.
i was concerned what was going on in his mind
since nothing out of the ordinary had happened that day.

so i asked what was wrong.
he said "i'm just having a sad day
and
i like you.
i like you, bekah."

well, dear goodness...
i like you too and i'll take all the moments with you that i get.

even the toughest have
sad
days, somedays.

isn't it nice to know there is somewhere we can go to be held
on those types of days?
.................................................................................
on another note, some of the boys are fastly approaching the age
where girls
begin to develop "cuties."
what a sad day it will be when they don't rush to hug me
or fight to sit in my lap.
.............................................................
i took this about two weeks ago
when i was dropping off some friends at the airport.
do you have tickets? need a place to stay?
you better believe its going to be a complete
circus,
but i couldn't be MORE
thrilled to be living here during this pre-excitement.