i said it was coming....eating manna all day

i used to wonder if i was hearing the Lord speak to me or
if it was random voices in my head.

i think it all was confounded by the fact that
my personality is one of those that before
any serious, funny or out of the ordinary conversation
takes place in real life, i make sure it plays out in my head.
i play myself and the other people.
i do this so that no matter how the conversation
plays out, i’ve already anticipated it and know how to respond.

i’ve never been good at thinking on my feet; thinking on the fly. and i’d prefer to go crazy running
scenarios over and over in my head then be surprised by something and not know what to say.

of course, this isn’t the silliest thing i do (well, maybe).
this “tactic” of mine does not work at all.

i’m far to analytic for my own good.
every conversation can’t be anticipated and some of my favorites
have not been. they have been when something triggers something in me and stirs
my heart and i am comfortable enough to flow. yes, those are the best conversations.

i ought to stop the whole “plan it out” nature in me.
i’m working on it.

but anyway, that was a major digressing.
(digressing is another wonderful habit of mind)

the point is sometimes i wonder if i am imagining the Lord’s voice or if it is really him.

i’ve spent a considerable part of this year relearning his voice.
its tone, its whispers and shouting.
and the more i hear it the louder it becomes.

i’ve had many little internal battles this fall.
one of the bigger ones has been slowly escalating
till about two weeks ago. at which point i finally sat.

and waited.

waited some more.

and waited a bit longer.

still more waiting.

and more waiting.

i felt like EVERY reader of new moon when pages flip and all you see is a new date. everything else is blank.
yes, that is how long i felt i waited.

finally, small little things began to surface
revealing their simple but withering effects on me.
it was obvious daily choices i was (and still usually am) making
are creating instead of a peaceful spirit one that that is restless and pained.

but i wasn’t sure that it was really the
Lord that showed me all this or if i was just “hearing” things.

so i tried to become more aware of my emotions and what triggers them,
but that was it.

then last night (ergo, i “wrote” this last week. so a few nights ago now) i had a long conversation
with a friend. and if i needed confirmation i received a
outstanding endorsement in the form of a polite calling of my bluff.

see, i’m far to introspective for my own good.
dwelling in melancholy states of mind
when there really is no need.
i think i’ve focused much of the past 3 months or so on
how far i have yet to go to feel like i’m fully healed and “ok” with
everything involved in the jordan fiasco.
i say fiasco because it makes light of the whole situation
and isn’t that what i need more of?

(note: that there is not anything lighthearted about divorce, abandonment,
abuse, addictions or the like. believe me, i know that.
the whole point of this post, which you’ll see, is that i need to relax and
live more. laugh more. but i’m rushing ahead).

side note: my mind is like a 5 year old with ADD. i can barely finish one story
before something in that story triggers another story and before
i realize it i have started and completed 9 different stories
by the time i get back to the original one and finish it.
scary but true.
is it possible to have story ADD? if so, i have it! *grins*

anyway, that was just a perfect taste of how one thing leads to the
next thing and ba ba boom.... ta da!
like it or love it that is how i think and work.
in a constant influx of stories and digressings.

but what i’ve realized in slow and quiet moments this spring is that
i am dwelling in my wilderness.
holding tight to it like its the only hand reaching down for me
as i tangle off the edge of a cliff.
its my lifeline. its what i know. you live in fear, in shame, in desert places long enough
and sometimes the comfort of that and knowledge of that
immobilizes you to do anything else.

yes, it is an excuse.
yes, it is true (except for the weird 5% of people who bounce out of everything
and somehow have this near God-like ability to live and be.
i am not one of those people).

its very hard to let go of what you know and jump into something different and new.
even if that something new and different was something you were before.
and something you want desperately with each breath you breathe.
without trying to i became a creature with the extreme ability to function and grow
but cling securely and tightly to what was.
(serious now, who tries to be semi-depressed all the time? it is never a conscious thought unless you
are a creep and a weirdo. in which case i say, enjoy your weirdness, you freak! *grin*)

i grew.
oooooo o yes i have grown since arriving here.
the progression in my journals and my heart is very encouraging.
but its stilted.
and a standstill occurred by my own doing.

i feel like the Israelites.
probably doesn't help that i’ve been living in those stories and books of the bible recently.
but to my defense i’ve been reading them so much because i want to remember the faithfulness of God
to me, to them, and learn my lessons so as to maybe escape a few years early?!

i seriously think i dream about plagues
and manna for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
but i feel like them, like i’m one of them so much.
just as they were afraid to keep moving forward and longed for egypt, so i
in my own little way have been afraid to really leave everything
for my promised land.

part of it is fear.
part of it is laziness.
part of it is....well, actually, all my other reasons boil into one of those two categories.

but i’m sick of it.
i know just be saying all this and thinking it that won’t automatically
move me forward.
in fact, the closer the Israelites got to the promised land the more battles they had to fight.
but i say: bring it.
because i’m bringing my arsenal of weapons too.
and the more i fight and win the stronger i become.
and i've already been promised the win. i just need to claim it.
can i get an "amen?!!" AMEN!

my weak spirit isn’t very weak. i feel weak, but i have incredible mental, emotional
and as i learned in my surgery last year, physical strength. i take after my mom, i guess. that women is
as tough as they come.
i feel like thomas the train: “i think i can, i think i can, i think i can...”
except i say: “i’m able. i’m strong enough. He in me is strong enough. i can do it...”

but i do so many things because of being insecure and afraid that i perpetuate those feelings inside me
instead of facing what scares me, i run away.
literally.
as was pointed out to me, i literally leave every party i've been at since i've been here for a few moments to think, pray, and gather myself together.
the pain and weirdness and process of being with people that aren’t
strangers, but are by no means my dear friends is overwhelming; so i’d just leave and go sit
in a room quietly for 30 minutes to an hour!
how pathetic is that.
how ridiculous to think that i needed that. i mean, i do believe fully in going to secret quiet places
to refresh, but it was really just me being afraid and retreating to what was comfortable.
it is always comfortable to just sit and cry and pray and think with my sweet Jesus.
oooo Lord, may that never change.
but those actions didn’t help me. sure sitting with the creator of this universe is always a good thing,
but what i really needed was to force myself to learn how to interact and live again.

also,
my favorite music is folk music. of which, there is none better than:
jj (seriously, i can't endorse her enough!), or patty, or ray, or rosie, or sufjan, or iron and wine, or kendall...
and no, i don't think its weird i'm on a first name basis with them. thats how i roll!
but if i don’t watch it...my love for them will plunge me into other similar artists and
soon all i’ve listened to is “that” type of music all day long.
there is nothing wrong with music like that. but it sets my mood for quiet melancholiness.
(totally just realized “holiness” is in the last part of melancholiness. maybe being melancholy isn’t so bad after all!?!?!?!?! *grins*).

but really, i LOVE being quiet and having folk music play as i go throughout my day, but it makes me quiet and somber. and i have enough of that on my own most days to not need to memoralize it in music form.

i felt a bit ago that i should listen to more worship music. i love worship music. i just
struggle to listen to it. always have...and i think i always will.
i could sit and play songs myself; that is real to me, that isn’t fabricated or what not. but listening
to other people worship seems so cheap and i constantly question the motives of the artist.
totally not my place to do that, but whatever, i do it and i doubt i’ll stop soon. i basically put a ban
on all things “worship” related like 3 yeas ago (or whenever it was now, i forget...) when it was the thing to do in the Christian music scene to come out with your own worship cd.
uhhhh, really?!??!

so finding good worship music i like is hard. personally, i consider lots of stuff "worship," stuff like jj,
is worship to me. it is. and she is. but i know that i need something more consistent.
i borrowed and burned some hillsong cds from a friend.
i listen to that or shane and shane to start my day now.
no joke.
my morning consists of being scared by my phone. turning my phone off. slipping into my robe. turning on the the shower, turning on the hot water for tea or coffee (depending on my mood, maybe even milo!), putting on worship music, going back to the shower, showering
(do i need to describe how i shower? this fascinates some people.
for instance, do you clean your legs first? or your arms? face? belly? for me i like to start at the top
and work my way down. its like cleaning...why clean the floors before you clean the walls and counter tops? the floor would just be dirty again... is that too much information?), drying off, slipping back into my robe, pouring my beverage of choice, and finally, sipping as i get dressed.
it is nice. it starts me out well.
but it isn’t enough.

i don’t think i can put away my music completely but i probably should perhaps.
maybe i need a total purging to be healthy again?

what was the original point of all this?
i guess what i’m trying to say is i had all these thoughts about music and leaving on my own,
but not enough gumption to do anything about it till someone in a polite but stringent way called me out.
and this is like the 4th time this spring this has happened.
He has used others to confirm what He already told me because i played the Thomas
(doubter that we both are).
also, its about trying to let go and jump.
i need to be not so melancholy anymore.
i mean, i am not, nor ever will be this bubbly bubble. but
i’m not usually so introspective and quiet and what not.

its gotta go....its gotta go friends.
so, i guess this isn’t a massive secret. but its me being a wondering Israelite
in my wilderness and learning a lesson that
maybe, hopefully, will be my last.
i'm ready for my honeycombs and milk...