home?

sometimes i crack myself up, like writing things done in my 
plethora of notebooks and journals. 
seriously, i'm a mess.
i mean, my "organized" self can surface in moments, like with school and what not
but otherwise its like a tornado in my mind and daily living.
think i'm joking, friends entered my home last week and exclaimed: 
"wow, i didn't think SA had tornado's!"
for the record, boys, i left in a rush, on a friday and hadn't been home all weekend. 
give a girl a break. 
*smiles*

i write things in one notebook and can't remember what i ever did with it.
i write on anything. i write when inspired and deal with collecting later on...

so, i thought i wrote about all this before, but i'm thinking and realzing i didn't.
obviously i wrote it about 2 weeks ago. so....be gracious and laugh at the dates. 

 .............................
the fact is i'll be leaving for home in a month.
exactly a month.
*(less then a month ...i started this post earlier in the week)
and in exactly a month and one day i will be
home.

but even writing that
makes me confused and lonesome.
not necessarily lonely. just,
lonesome.
there is a difference.

i wasn't very excited till my dad came.
in fact, in some ways, i didn't wish to go home at all.
it makes it that much harder to leave again...
but
suddenly seeing him and
being reminded of the billions of
gestures, words, phrases,
colloquialisms,
inherent in my very DNA
the thought of home
produced
a longing
unmatched and not satisfied till my
feet touch the soil of
320 school
and my families smiley silly faces
dance across my eyesight.

but it isn't really home anymore.
i mean, it'll always be home.
but its not my home.

i'm a gypsy that dances across the world
putting down roots wherever my feet touch the ground.

and right now,
home is a small little lapa just south of
mokopane, south africa.

and home is 6 little boys that race to school each morning
excited to see my face and jump into my arms.

and home is a 15 year old keyboard that doesn't hold all the
octaves it should, nor does it encompass a pedal,
but its keys hold hours of my heart being spilled out.

home is where my collection of necklaces from both grandmas, a great grandma,
friends and random stores hang above my bed
causing smiles and sighs of joy whenever i see them.

the reality that the home i grew up in
is now just a place i will visit is a
true and sad reality.

the fact that i will be home in less than 3 *{make that 2!} weeks is freakish
to this sentimental heart.
a visit at Christmas.
a short visit with those most dear and beloved in my life.
too short.

** but it will do. it'll have to do.

i live somewhere else now.
this fact has been slowly making itself known
the past month in large and small ways.
the honeymoon phase in the relationship between SA and
myself, has
come and gone and the 23 years of living
life one way in America is finding it hard to
do things new here in SA.

i live here now.
i live here.
i have a few small possessions in my parents basement sure,
but that is it.
i live here now.

thats all a little weird and hard to wrap my mind around.

in roughly 14 days i'll be sitting in my parents living room watching glorious snow fall (it sure better, i've been praying to that end since Oct!) from the sky.
i'll be able to hold my little namesake niece, my joy inducing other niece, and laugh with all my sisters in person. i'll see my brothers and have them hold me and toss me on their shoulders.
okay, totally just made that up, they've never once tossed me. but it sounded nice, didn't it?!?!
no need to skype with each other. we'll really be
together.

in two weeks i'll be home.
home for two weeks.
home to the place that used to be the best place on earth.
i think it'll still fill my heart with contentment and that feeling.
but i think its gonna be harder than i think.

harder because my feet don't belong on that soil anymore.
i moved here.
i am starting a life here. i have started a life here.
so it'll be a visit to the place that i once lived at. where i once lived.
weird.
just weird.

...all that to say though,
holy crap i am SO STINKIN EXCITED!!!!!!!

*{note: i already edited from one "journal" to my primary journal before the edit to here! hilarious!}
**all recently written. ie. last night, dec. 5th