about the link we share

as long as i remembered. when one hurts, so does the other.

when one experiences joy, so does the other.

when one is feeling beaten down so is the other...

its just how its always been.

how it always will be.

i remember being 8. laying in a hospital bed. a routine surgery didn’t turn out as planned.

i reacted to medicine the normal person can handle. what should have been in-and-out,

lasted for 3 days. or was it more, mom? i can’t remember...

i do remember being so sick...and hurting so much....

and dad brought abi and joey to see me. i remember his face, my baby brother, not even 3.

we strangarity’s might not always say our emotions well, but we have always worn them well.

seeing me so sick traumatized the poor kid.

not even 4 hours later, out shopping with dad he decided he was going to start throwing up too.

because i was. because he hurt for me. 

so he literally became sick too. 

all over the grocery cart, check-out counter, everything.*

thats how its always been with us.

when i'd have a giggle and joy rise up for boxing out someone twice my size, because you can do that when you box out properly, he'd smile too.

when he'd smash some tail back out of nowhere, cause a fumble, because thats what he did

as one of top linebackers in the state, i'd laugh with him. 

an innate sense of joy and accomplishment after destroying "the enemy," 

(the other team).

there's always been an unspoken trust. 

a shared form of mental processing that is weird and off but perfectly normal to each other.

february stole a lot of energy. good and bad. 

from me, from you.

and its amazing how catching up reveals all that.

two hours skyping is almost as good as getting coffee at chestnut cafe in person.

ok, ok, not even close. but the next best thing, right, joey?

i wrote a song this morning for us, brother.

about Him. and His new grace each day. about how He forgets every stain, every choice, everything, when we but ask. about how i can't and don't and wish i could. about how i don't know how to forgive myself. about how i miss you. i wrote it out sitting behind my lapa in the trees. monkeys danced in the limbs above me and i said my heart. for you, for me. then i stole away to roelene's and the piano. and i sat and created melody and music. melody and music that is fitting for hope. for future. because we have hope and future, and He isn't finished with us and will complete what He started. melody that is about Him and His blood making me new. about music that says what words always fail to communicate. about me feeling so sweetly comforted knowing you understand. knowing you believe for me, for yourself.....

it was the weirdest fastest its ever come. but that doesn't surprise me. it always comes so fast when i'm overwhelmed and words fail...

i love you, little brother. don't you want to fly to me for spring break?

*this could be one of our favorite family stories. it certainly is up there.

and momma....because you always worry and remind me of our 'link,'

i'm ok.

really, mom. He is very big today. i love you, too; 

and daddy, also you.

jealous you're all getting together to see Joseph. may it be good and sweet and may you miss me there less than i will miss you all together, here..