various boy things this week :)

i failed at blogging this week. failed at a lot of things.
i was....and feel still like
keeping my head above water and steady is a heavy enough chore.
blogging was far from my mind.
but, like usual...i kept up my daily journal and my thoughts flowed there.
where they always roam more freely and nakedly* and happy.

here are little snippets i typed up tonight....

(this past wednesday)
the boys have been playing imagination for the past 20 minutes. its adorable. and hilarious.
they are a whole little family.
brothers, a mother, a grandpa.
no dad. or sisters.
its killing me.
they are being so good and kind talking to each other and sharing.
perfect is being the mother, and he is hilarious.
i guess he’s trying to be me. (scarythought!).
he keeps coming over to them, saying:
“if you boys dont share, no one plays!”
to which ruben replies:
“o mother, please dont give me a hiding**. we’ll do better at sharing.”
they are cracking me up.
ruben just let it slip. he called “mother,” “bekah.” hahaha i guess i don’t have to
guess if the mother is me or not. hahahaha awesome.

so for some reason, i almost always write out ruben, like this: rubin.
i’m not sure why, i guess because when you say it, the ending sound is more like /bin/ then
/ben/. anyway, i didn’t realize till this afternoon when ruben told me:
“bekah, that not how you spell my name.”
to which i replied:
“of course it is, bud. plus, we’re not spelling now we’re coloring in our letters. just don’t worry about it, it’s right, ok?”
he wasn’t super happy. gave me a pouty face but went to work despite not agreeing with me.
once i had all the boys going, i took a moment to look at his paper. lo and behold!
the kid was right! i spelled it wrong!
its freaked me out to realize i’ve probably done this SOOOO many times before!
oops!
 but, c’mon...what kid can spell their name at 4!
four years old and he’s correcting me on my spelling!
i oughta stop teaching them their sounds and letters, they are
too smart! *wry grin*

*spanking is called “hiding” here. Basically any form of discipline is a hiding.

....................................
i've been reading this week: a long walk to freedom. it's been very enlightening. i realized how little i really knew about Mendela or SA history. of course, this is one mans opinion and i'm not taking it for the absolute, but it is very well written and fascinating.
tomorrow, i'm headed to Jozi and the apartheid museum. i'm looking forward to seeing it. i'm not sure exactly where and what i believe about all the history of apartheid. i've on purpose been reading a white man's account and then a black mans...and back and forth, plus talking to everyone i meet....it seems that the more i think i know what i think and what i've decided on it, the more i'm confused and not sure what to say/where to stand on it all...
the perplexities of this for me, an "everything is either black or white, no gray areas..." person is very difficult. i hate not being able to figure out where i stand, what i believe about things that have happened. i guess my, "i feel your pain and have such great sympathy with you" nature is at war with the black and white nature. both are equalizing the other. i can't remember a time this has happened before. not with something this large, this entrenched in the people i live and work with and call my family and friends. its difficult. and i have a billion more thoughts on this....but i'm too tired just now....

*I've really been on this naked kick lately. i don't know, but it makes me giddy inside to use that word. and i just love the symbolism...and the encouragement to my heart to be fully laid bare before the Lord, knowing that is what He asks for, what He loves to see and hear. I've been trying to be intentional and as bare as I can with my friends recently. Which is an awfully hard thing because all we want as humans is total love and acceptance. But also, all I want is to be naked, emotionally that is, before my friends, before anyone. I think the most beautiful people are those that live fully...live out their life their heart their love in a naked sort of way for everyone. That is real, and lovely and what draws me to people. Because the naked people are never prideful, they are well aware of their little weaknesses, fully aware they can not hide them, but they are confident and happy in themselves. It's like they become nothing, they don't think of themselves and how they'll be viewed, they just live....anyway...its too late and I'm rambling.....