knowledge ?

i’ve felt a lot of

conviction

as well as a

pertinacious defiance

in my spirit

to know the Lord.

i think i just have felt for all i

know,

i really know 

nothing.

i think there is absolute merit in studying.

the bible mentions so often how it is

vital

and very

important

to study to find yourself 

approved (2 tim 2:15).

but it also says a lot how

knowledge

puffs up (1 Cor 8:1-3).

as well as describing

God

as a vast pool that will never be

quite

figured out.

i love learning.

i loved my 3 years of Greek in college.

loved how my assignments made me translate and

read from 

my greek bible

only.

i loved how it made me discover so much more

depth

to the words chosen by the original authors. 

english sometimes just

fails in communicating

and holding

the various nuances that words hold.

but english is the lingua franca so i am glad

its my 

heart language,

(ugly as it may sometimes seem to me.)

(to each his own. the boys in town think it sounds

like i sing whenever i speak. what?!?! how can english ever 

compare to the beauty of french? or spanish? or italian? i mean, they aren’t

named the romantic languages for nothing!)

ah, i digress....

what i mean, what i’m saying is that i love

learning.

i love it.

but i pray i never become someone 

who 

knows all the answers

about

everything.

because the more i study and come to a 

semblance 

of understanding, the more

i realize i’ll never 

fully understand. 

its a vulgar thought for me to 

believe, and

think that

because i received my bachelors in 

bible (and TESOL),

and i started

my masters in 

pastoral ministry

that i know the Lord.

oh! for sure, i know Him!

He’s the whisper in my heart 

and the steady sureness in my

being.

and i read about His working in history

and i live in His workings day in, and

day out.

but His ways are not mine, 

(which is both a glorious thought for most of humanity who i’d have

smite-d out in a moment of pms or a loss in any numerous athletic events. and a 

frustrating one for i’d so like to know how it is He is who He is),

and i don’t for the life of me

have the 

ability

to put a 

love 

so great into a 

humanity so 

depraved 

and disgusting.

and perhaps you are not so profane.

but i know myself, and i

am

very

needy of

atonement.

and just when i start to think i’m not

so bad,

it is those moments i need

His blood 

most.

its a hard line to walk when one so 

desires to 

know more.

sometimes i wonder if ancient monks

had something right.

there’s a mystic loveliness to simply

spending time praying and contemplating

and loving the Lord.

of course, i’d go nuts for loss of doing for the 

Lord.

i am, most of all a 

do-er, not

a 

sit-er.*

what is the magic formula for knowing and studying from those wiser than i

in the study and application of truth (be it parents, pastors, professors, children, et cetera),

and remaining innocent and humble and nonjudgemental.

is it an overall hunger for Truth? 

sometimes i think so.

sometimes

i think so because i want to believe that

i can always learn something from anyone (nay, everyone).

but reality is, it can’t be that. because i sometimes

have to fight to put on ears to listen

when someone is “teaching” who doesn’t have as many degrees as i do.

ah! prideful exasperation in me! 

no character trait drives me more crazy than 

pride.

no character trait haunts me more than that.

there must be a way for this equation to not be true.

studying + acquiring knowledge = pride.

but beside prayer and a constant 

repetition

of the Truth of how utterly

small and teeny tiny i am

i’ve yet to discover one.

but this year i want to know the Lord more.

i’m single. i have no children. i have no car right now.

i have no tv.

i have internet only on and off (currently off as i type this on pages and

save to upload later).

i have no one that lives with me distracting me for time

or laughter**

i have very little in the way of human hinderances keeping

me from

running.

i’ve set my heart to really see the Lord this year.

for all i have learned so far walking this life with Him

i realize i have so much yet to know. 

and even if i learn Him 24/7 365 the knowing or setting my heart to

know will not allow me

to know all of him, it will 

allow me to certainly know more.

to love more.

to grow in holiness more.

but i’ll still have more to 

discover and learn.

like a lady, the

Lord will always have more

to reveal, more thoughts 

to think, more secrets 

to admit, more romance 

to share. 

and i love a good secret,

and an adventure, and a 

friendship secured in a sweet

silent knowing and being.

and i want to live fully in this moment for 

this moment

is all i have. 

20 minutes from now i might not be.*** 

20 minutes ago i am no longer.

and as rebekah of mokopane, shikwaru farm, limpopo

province, south africa, teacher and shaper of little people,

live-er in a lapa, lover of reading and silliness and a

Christ follower, i want to love my Savior well.

and know him.

know him in his suffering and in his joy.

know him in his precepts and in his grace.

and i want to live out that learning for others.

so that all might love and know him more.

....and

in the process,

somehow remain humble.

*of course, i could sit for hour

upon hour 

and read, and write, and be...but then

i’d want to get dirty and work.

glory to God his conviction is rooting out

all(scratch that), almost all laziness from 

me and replacing it with a more

noble and holy passion.

**all of which are not evil or bad or wrong.

in fact, i need a very large dose of laughter

and communication with 

friends/roommates/family every day.

its just that sometimes i use those things as 

a 

distractor from pressing in to know the 

riches of the glories of the Lord. 

***obviously, if you’re reading this. i lived longer than 20 

minutes from writing it all down. for currently, right now,

the rain continues to pour, and it doesn’t look like

power, nor internet, nor phones will be restored for a long time.

so take “20 minutes” from whenever...

the point was to make a point, which was made.