hello family of warthogs...

i went out on saturday for a run...i ran into a family of warthogs. here is a snapshot of my mind during that time...
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as i ran a few days ago i listened to this cd. i've ALWAYS loved Steven. one of the benefits of growing up in the 90s was the advent of ccm. michael, amy, and steven were like my best buddies. literally. phil, keith and randy weren't "my" friends but my parents...anyway....i digress...


steven wrote all of these in the months following the death of his daughter, on accident, by his one son. talk about tragedy. every song is a portrait of God's grace. it is real...and it is lovely and i wish it came out 3 years ago. anyway...buy it for yourself or someone you know who's experienced brokenness and pain.


as steven sang to me...i ran....


“putting ASIDE everything that inhibits....i run...i reach...i beat my body...i fight my mind....i do away with everything that stops me from getting to you...”*

in between getting stared down by a momma warthog and then chased down by her babies my chest heaved and tears streaked down my face as my heart pounded.

probably from a combination

of running

and

breaking.

i feel very full. very emotionless and very needy today. (this was all sat)

my heart is a thousand places but inside my body. 

its with my friends the Hollands** who’s three year old boy was just diagnosed with leukemia. 

its with haiti.

its with my friends who’s family and friends were killed when the earthquake struck haiti.

its with my many friends in the long process of adoption.

its with my family at home...with siblings who write emails making me cry, a mother

not able to do anything from surgery and a father who loves much.

its with a family who many years ago this month lost there precious baby boy.

its with my own sweet niece who will celebrate her second birthday this month, only

up in Heaven with Jesus and angles rather then down here on earth with her parents and family.

my heart is thinking of an ex-husband and wondering where his heart is and if he is letting Jesus heal all his wounds and even make all his wounds visible...

its with girlfriends who i can’t hug and cry with and who i love dearly.

its with knowing my two nieces will grow up and not really know their aunt.

my heart beats close to friends who've made stupid choices and are now, paying with their lives.

it is full of knowing i'm meant to be here and not a million other places i could so easily follow my heart to.

how can the heart break? a thousand ways. a million times over and over.

i am overwhelmed with wanting to be at home (not pa home. Heaven home) and not here. even though i am actually in this moment, very happy and content being here. i just long for my savior. 

to be in His presence.

just to feel the Sonshine as it warms my heart. just to feel it creep into every crevice of my being until i am alive. o to see how it all fits together. to be able to give him everything i’ve stored up for him. to see him smile at me...to SEE him smile at me. and know its all ok. i’m ok...

1. am. ok.

but i’m not there yet. i’m still here. still fighting the destruction of dreams and what it means to dream new dreams. still figuring out what it means to live in another country on my own. still dealing with hurt and pain and emotions i don’t like.

i’m already there and not yet. 

and 

he is already there and here too.

he’s with me.
oh, He is with me!

and i just want to be with him. nothing matters to me. nothing matters. i don’t care about the pain i still feel so easily, or the way i don’t feel it hardly ever, i don’t care about not ever seeing my family or american

friends again....i just want to see him.

i want to see him.

i want to know that it is all worth it.

to feel his hug and his love fill me.

i couldn't help but be filled with these thoughts as i was running. though these feelings aren't dominating my heart today as strong as they were then, i still just ache to be home.

i don't think i'll ever be one of those Christian's who can just rest. For better or worse, i'm a learner and a fighter. i can't just accept things on face value. i've never been able to do that. i always have to test them. to see them prove their worth, their value. i wish sometimes i could just reveal in the fact that I am His and He is mine...but usually those moments are few and far between. and i'm trying to figure out how to explain Him to others...how to explain Him to myself. the more i grow up the more i realize how pitiful i am. how needy i am. how desperate i am for him.

i think that is why i hunger for Him and simply being with Him so much. to me, Heaven will be a place where Rebekah's mind can stop trying to figure everything out and just be.

i'm looking forward to my coming Sabbath day of rest. i need it more than i realized even this morning. i need to get better at taking things to Jesus and then leaving them there. NOT to pick them back up again...i need to learn how to not take everything so personally and feel everything that others are feeling so deeply. yes, yes...it would be good if somehow i could snap my fingers together and pray and care but not ache so much. this heart is achy from being broken in a million ways alongside a million friends.
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*this is the "rebekah" summary and combination of many passages of scripture. Here, here, and here, were the main ones that were in my mind.

**Please join me in praying for sweet Conner. His father, Kevin, was like a big brother to me and my sister growing up. Driving us places when it wasn't "cool" to drive with mom and dad...and just building into us worth and value. My heart breaks knowing Conner is fighting Leukemia in his little 3 year old body. Pop over to their site and just leave one (or many!) notes telling them you are praying. I'd really appreciate it. Thank you!

(here is a photo of Conner from a few months ago; beautiful, beautiful boy)