the boys sometimes melt me....

a few days ago it happened once. i thought it was a sporadic event, but it made a reappearence today and is killing me so i had to share! i hope it translates well via interweb blogging :)

the boys are learning English at a very fast rate. i'm not surprised at all.
but, they still have so much
yet to learn.

they've mastered "toilet, please bekah" when they need to go to the restroom.
but they have realized i won't always let them go to the bathroom in the school house.

i know, i know, i'm a terrible teacher.
but when i'm alone with them, i can't leave 5 to roam outside while i take the one inside.
and by trial (and error!) learned that if i let one go inside alone, a wonderful hot mess will await me when i do go inside.

so i've sorta started letting the boys go behind a tree outside if its just me and them. ahhh its so shameful to admit this online, but i need you to understand where their thinking is coming from to appreciate what they now do...

so back to the story....

they know they won't be allowed to use the toilet inside, but i guess perfect decided to use his little naughty mind because next thing i know he's saying:

"bekah, bekah, THIS one. this one, toilet, bekah. this one"

now, just imagine everytime he said "this" he smacked himself on the butt. hahahahhaahah
he's so stinkin cute its funny. i love how they have used the little English they have to communicate their needs to me. its adorable...

also, you know (if your a parent or teacher) that it is way harder to be the one disciplining then the child. it hurts us more and costs us more. its so difficult to be steady and consistent and dang it, i hate punishing the boys.
but its necessary. the kids respond SO much better with checks and balances and it just allows the day to be cohesive and flow.
they really are wonderful 90% of the time, but sometimes they are a little to aggressive or just outright naughty.

well, today i had to spank one of the boys. it was awful because he wouldn't admit he lied.
(normally the boys are quick to admit their guilt. somehow in my mind it makes it easier).
well, he instantly broke down into little sobs and just cried "sorry bekah....sor-sor-sorrry bekah" over and over.
it made me cry too...
it was so repentant and sorrowful and i just engulfed him in one long hug.
its so hard for me to know if i am getting across to them the idea of repenting and restoration. i try so hard to communicate via my actions that "this is bad" but once they know that, to let them know "but, you are ok. you are good" you aren't bad, just your behavior. its so hard when they don't fully understand what i'm saying......
sigh....
they can be so naughty in moments but their little emotive tears just melt me.

this little guy is stinkin cute, eh?

he also happens to be my puker. and pee-er. can't tell you how often i've had to go change and shower and come back to work. all i know is its happened enough i've come to not even care or change.
wow. did i just admit that? thats gross...i need to get a life and continue to change my clothes!

as per usual, he did not disappoint me today. within a few moments of his momma leaving, he got himself so worked up he lost whatever he had in his little belly. poor kid. he's gotta grow out of it at some point...

......................................................................................

also, i'm just extremely grateful the past few days that my God is emotional and strong and passionate and a fighter.

i love the poem "testing tree" by stanley kunitz. i love the last few lines so much:

"the heart breaks and breaks and lives by breaking. it is necessary to go through dark and deeper dark and not to turn..."

wouldn't it be a great opening sentence in a fairy tale? just those words and then a wonderful saga would commence....beautifulness....

doesn't it sound like something right from the bible too?

i think sometimes the reason

i love Jesus so much

is He just understands so well all the ways i'm broken.

when i feel like no one understands what its like to be

betrayed and rejected

by the one closest to you, i just remember what judas and peter did and i'm instantly filled with warmth knowing He knows exactly the ways

my heart hurts.

we really are comforted to be a comfort to others.

2 corinthians 1:3-7 reminds me again and again that God is the God of all my comfort and He's given to me so i can give to others.

it sickens me that there are other women who've been hurt and abused at the hands of evil men.

i love how God is a warring God.

not bloodthirsty but righteous. and

i think i've been realizing how time and time again He defends the weak.

seeks to purge what is evil in the land.

bestows his strength, his spirit, on others so they might live in freedom.

like william wallace. he wasn't "nice" but wild and passionate and committed beyond anything else...

he was also tender and nurturing of those he loved.

and he lived.

he lived and laughed and

so does my sweet Jesus.

he picked fights when he needed,

he touched the hopeless women,

he spoke with the outcast,

he cleansed the leper,

he lived fully alive and full of passion and i'm just so glad for the full range of his emotions today.

because i want to be touched and fought for today and defended.

and believed in.

isn't it wonderful He's all that i need and more.....

yippie

these are all a little self-deprecating. but i've always been of the opinion that self-deprecation is good in small (or large) does here and there.
also, i feel like they are such a full depiction of so many sides to me it would be a shame to my best friends and family not share.
i mean, i live with this face and see it too often in the mirror, but sadly they do not.

so, enjoy familia :)

on saturday i was supposed to sky-dive. only the weather wasn't super friendly so it was canceled. however, on the way, there is an awesome graveyard leah has wanted to check out for a long time so we stopped. by the way, how wonderful that leah, lo, and kelly came to watch and support me in jumping?!?! :)

while there, i spotted an awesome tree that just called my name.

it literally said: "bekah, you know how you long to climb me. so, come please and say hello."

i mean, how can you refuse that?

so i started my climb

and it didn't take much effort to reach the first ridge.

i felt pretty good. for a few moments i just sat and lived there, in that moment for a bit.

i'm not sure where this face started becoming part of my repertoire of faces, but its the exact face my 3 year old niece makes. and that is scary!!

 after i posed for a few cheesy shots, i decided to take a glance at what i planned next. i planned to go out on the brance like a balancing beam.

but i noticed its very high off the ground.

you can start to see the glimmers of terror rise in my face.

so much uncertainty and doubt....

the baby emerges!

i feel like this is such a common face my friends see. i'll try something thinking i'm all brave and tough and made of stone, and then i panic and turn to mush and realize i can't do it.

o! this is the most humiliating of them all!!!

again, after a few moments of panic and whining for help, the next emotion that hits me is laughter.

laughter at how ridiculous i am for acting like a child and needing help,

and laughter that i do in fact need help and am scared regardless of how 5 year old i act in getting the help.

"just help me, dang it!"

leah was not much help. she just continued to snap photos.

lo and kelly were still meandering around the graveyard, out of eyesight and earshot; and shawn was left as the sole person willing and able to help me.

(i've skipped about 20 photos bc they aren't necessary. basically when i do get help i get embarrassed and nervous as to how it'll all work out, and stubborn and wanting to do it alone, and so i just laugh which makes everything harder or sweeter depending on how you look at it and how much time you have to kill...)

but, friends, isn't this such a classic "pose" when i'm losing it? its the "pained" laugh i'm so famous for!

thankfully, i made shawn laugh too. its not good to laugh and fall apart when you finally have help.

i've learned that many times over...

again, i don't really like this photo of me, but i make this "pained" face so much when laughing i guess its growing on me?!?!!

finally dismounting.

(when i look at these and realize i'm only like 4 feet from the ground i'm so ashamed!)

can i just say there has to be a glitch in my head somewhere. some wire must be crossed or something because i feel like its not normal for little 4 feet to 15 feet high tree branches to scare the living embers out of me, but the thought of jumping out a plane later was nothing. seriously?!?!

i don't understand that. but its true.

alright, enjoy the lunacy of me

so no jump today from the plane.
to say i'm sad would be an understatement.
but i feel bad being upset about something out of my control.
the weather just wasn't in the mood with the storm front moving in.

so, it'll happen before i come home but i'm not saying when.
it'll just be a surprise afterwards for all to hear about.

i'm currently laying in my bed with my windows wide open and the fan on. its quiet but for the
pitter patter of rain drops and the occasional boom of thunder.

tomorrow is sunday and i wonder where my weekend went? it goes by to fast.....
ahhhhhhh a teachers life is never done.
so much to prepare...

sky diving :)

today i am marveling at myself;
at the courage and lunacy thats muscled up to the surface of my heart.
tomorrow i'll be a sky diver!!!

which i do believe will be the biggest "check" that my bucket list has seen crossed off in a very long time.
it also might be the last check i ever get as the rest of my dreams are, ahmmm, very lofty and not likely to be accomplished.

no, thats not true, i'll knock more off one by one,
i'm too determined
and optimistic.

so i'm making myself a big meal tonight to celebrate.
i even have cookies about to get baked...

i'm so full of excitment its unbelievable. of course i'm terrified but my largest fear is that i'll pass out and miss all the good parts.
pass out or pee my pants. one or the other.
i'm so glad to be able to do this.  i've dreamed of doing this for SO long.
and i'm determined to make the most of every moment.

so, i'll be jumping tomorrow.
free falling about 3 miles till my shoot deploys.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

overseas: together, only seperate.

its hard for me to write about these girls.

somethings in life are just better stored in the heart, you know?

its hard to explain the ebb and flow of a real genuine relationship.

multiple that by three solid relationships and you could understand how my words fail me.

at the same time, nothing is easier than describing how dear these girls are too me.

the way we've gone countless nights without sleep crying and holding each other.

numerous nights spent just praying and weeping over the world, over our relationships, over our hearts.

i'm really blessed to not only have amazing sisters and a mom i'm close to, but multiple "best friends."

i'm just a lover, and Jesus has best seen fit to love me well through other ladies.

He's given me some amazing best friends.

Ellen, Marcia, and Cheryl are my college cronies!

*smiles*

i can't even remember all the crazy things we did during those days.

but the tie that bound us all together was always our love for Jesus, our pain over injustice, our desire to go and serve so the lost may know, our creative spirits, our love for the arts, our love for coffee, our love to listen and bless other women...

i could go on and on, but basically it was the knowing in our hearts that we were meant to live out our days overseas and spend them on behalf of others.....

it was just a matter of "timing."

i always knew we'd end up overseas at the same time, in the places that have always been held so very dear to our hearts, i just can't believe that day is here.

it seems like just yesterday we were crying and having to encourage each other that someday we'd make it to where our hearts were created to be.

its weird seeing your dream, and your friends dreams come true.

weird, but

wonderful and lovely.

i can't even tell you where some of my girlfriends are because they are really living out Jesus in some crazy places.

and in reality, marcia and cheryl are still praying and believing their full funding will come in by December.

but, right now, for the first time EVER

all four of us are overseas, doing what we love.

and that knowledge and feeling inside my heart makes me burst with pride and joy.

please pray for my girlfriends (and Daniel and Jonathan as they married into this crazy group of girls).

pray for open doors and open hearts where they are working tirelessly to see Jesus be known.

pray for their funding to come through to 100%.

praise the Lord in His time He has seen fit to answer our prayers and dreams!

i'm just full of awe as this is literally what we've dreamed of for over 5 years together......

we're doing it girls.

marcia:

 

 

cheryl:

 

ellen:

ahhhhhhhhhh i love you three so much!

two recent occurances in the life of a preschool teacher......

(....I should mention, neither of these have to do with teaching or my boys....)

this morning i noticed on my pointer finger on my left hand two small white bumps.

it itched so bad.

so bad. and it hurt like crazy.

i figured most of the morning it was just hives and i wasn't worried. but around lunch time i had reached my limit on pain and decided to ask Roelene since she's our nurse here on the farm.

by this point i imagined it was a small spider bite. i mean, yesterday alone i killed 5 spiders in my room and saw about 8 others i couldn't quite get too. so they are EVERYWHERE and one biting me wouldn't have freaked me out too bad.

she checks it out for a bit. tells me it isn't a spider bite because its two small little marks, not one, but she isn't sure what it is and is probably some type of bite.

no worries.

until, jacques peaks his head around the corner and asks how i am. its nice seeing him around since he has been gone for a few weeks.

we hug and catch up,

yada yada yada

and he asks to look at it.

so i gave him my hand and he agrees its definitely not a spider bite.

"it looks like a snake got it good" he tells me.

all the blood left my head, as did all form of sound and breath in my lungs. apparently leah and roelene said my face was priceless. all i know is goosebumps ran up and down my arms and legs and terror made me freeze.

it took about a minute for me to even realize everyone was laughing and it was a joke.

oooo that boss-man of mine.

i was still in shock as jacques kissed my forehead in apology and reassurance that no snake got me.

i think that is my nightmare here. that and stumbling upon a jackel during a walk.
*shudders*

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also, yesterday was the day i was "anticipating" for a very long time.

not the good kind of anticipation where if you save your chore money long enough you can buy a jamba juice.

nor the good (to me, not to most of the population) kind of knowing your research papers and finals are due its just a matter of days and weeks till that moment comes.

no, no, this was the dreaded sort of anticpation of me playing with fire.

alas, yesterday i got burned.

literally.

so leah's house and mine are approximately 100 yards away from each other.

so close, eh?

but there are two fences that separate us. my fence isn't so bad. it has a gate just 15 feet from my house and isn't electrified

her fence has no gate (well, it does but its about a mile away) and is electrified.

makes visiting her enough of a big deal that i can't just "pop" in like i'd like.

however, about a week after arriving the boys showed me a little hole crawl space.

problem is, its not very large.

and the wires are VERY charged,

so, if

i was to hit them, it would hurt very much.

apparently it hurts so much, some of the guys working here (as in, adult males) won't use it anymore.

it hurt them that much.

sweet lauren about 3 weeks ago hit it and she had a welt the size of texas on her arm for over a week.

i'm always warned not to use it. especially the one day i crawled through in the rain.

that wasn't smart, i agree.

but still, i kept using it.

i said i'd use it till i hit it.

and i had it it. multiple times. i guess i didn't hit it very hard i kept thinking.

i knew it was just a matter of time till i was rushing,

till i wasn't paying close enough attention,

and it got me.

IT GOT ME GOOD.

i had a backpack on and my tote bag on my shoulder. i had lots to get to leah's.

for the record i've traveled with more bags on my back/body before and been fine.

i don't know what happened yesterday. ahhhhhhhhhh

so there are two wires about 2 feet apart about 8 inches off the ground. about one 1/2 feet off the ground is another wire that is in between them. so you have those three "on the ground." then about 4 feet in the air in the middle is a 4th wire.

going through this you have to bend over just so, so that your back is flat, but you have to lift your leg in such a way that it doens't go up to high and streches over the 3 bottom wires and into the gate on the other side.

i need to make a video and demonstarte but its really not that hard to do.

well, yesterday i bumped the top wire and though nothing happened, it must have made me jerk because the bottom one got me right on my upper thigh.

:(

the pain cursed straight for my neck and thats what hurt the worst. i'm assuming those metal screws in my neck were nice little conductors. everyone else that has been shocked said it hurt their heart a lot

so, i'm not sure i'm glad i have metel in my spine and that absorbed most of it, or if that means my heart doens't work right??!! hahahahhaa :)

i'm glad to report i have no welt or mark.

and also, though it did hurt, i'm still going ot use it to visit leah. it just saves way to much time.

and i'm lazy to walk all the way from gate to gate to get in.

plus i feel like a spy everytime i use it

so, i guess the moral of today is:

no snake bite on my finger

and the fence isn't as bad as everyone says. i mean, its bad. just livable :)