about the sex cafe

this morning, as most mornings this week went, i rose early.

early enough to hear my heart beat before the hectic pace of life set in and discolored my white quiet with loud craze rainbows.

and i sat overwhelmed. the quiet screamed to loudly. voices of girls i've never met begged for help. tears poured down my cheeks. i've been following anne the past 2 weeks. have you? she's brought me to tears. yes, i know i cry readily and easily. but you'd be a sick unfeeling person to not cry too.

she wrote about the sex cafe.

and i have no words.

sex trafficking. slavery.

it hurts my heart.

makes my head go all dizzy.

i wanna disbelieve. i want to believe its all lies. lies people have made up. that children are not bought and sold for less than a latte at starbucks. that women the age of my nieces are not lined up with numbers around their neck waiting for the highest bidder. i want to believe its all made up.

but it isn't. its real. its a nightmare.

i spent two weeks in Moldova (where the sex cafe is) the summer of '05. i won't lie and say i liked it. i didn't. in fact, coming from turkey, a country and people i connected with intimately and loved, moldova was a struggle. but a few things stand out in my mind. (obviously there are a lot more)

1. one of them is the heat and sunflowers. lots of sunflowers. 
2. another thing was the orphanage of children we worked in. special needs. children aged 21 the size of 3 year olds. 
3. one more thing was the women, scantily clad, walking and roaming the streets. young girls. we were told it was common and acceptable. but it unnerved me. and that was before i even was aware trafficking existed. let alone that chisinau was a hotspot for transport.

i don't know what to do when i read things like this. nothing else matters. for all i think and process and ache and do here, it often feels pointless when knowing little ones are sold.

sold.
babies. sold.....

.....................................
and if it wasn't providence that had me weeping over hurting women and girls and children. donald miller is at it once again challenging all to live a better story just this afternoon.

please take the next few moments and think about what you can do to end slavery.

stand and smile

sweet boy just moves to fast.
like the tasmanian devil, he is a whirl of activity and spunk and going! going! going!

it amazes me their little personalities. shining so brightly, so young.
i know them.
know that if i do this, it will make them say that.
know that if i treat them this way, they will react this way.

and i know that no matter how often he gets hurt he still goes at a go! go! go! pace.
lightening fast.

he fell down hard today. he was running in the school. running to get something for me.
and his dear little feet just got caught up in the ground.
he tumbled and hit his head fairly hard.
poor kelvin boy.

and so he moves with the wind blowing and coming and going.
and consequently he falls sometimes. but in a moment he is up.
within instants. and that smile i love so dearly is again on his face.
and he is back to running through life.

perhaps you could argue it isn't wise how fast he moves through life. and yes, there are certainly lessons in that. but today. oh, today what i love is how he just gets right back up.
back up and smiling.

i pray he always gets right back up and smiles when he falls down.

and that i have the courage to do that as well.

and not only to stand again, but to stand and smile.

these wee little ones teach more than i teach them. that is, if i pause long enough to

breath and see and take it in.

take in their God whispers in the everyday.

my new ring.

three minute thursday.
i've decided to try something different. thursday and three just sorta go, don't they? i think so. they got that t, h, and r thing. i've decided every thursday i will write for only three minutes. so maybe not every thursday, or maybe every thursday, i don't know that yet, but i do know i'll write only three minutes on every thursday that i write. it'll be a fun little exercise.
my three minutes will not count any links or photos or fixing of spelling. those i can add later. its my blog and my rules. and thanks to Alece, for sorta inspiring this. and inspiring my continual lovesong with Africa. she and i are more similar then i wish.
the rest of this all happened this morning, around 530.
...............................
4:16-go!
days pass and what i want to say is buried in the secret places of my journal.
leather bound.
inspiring me to always be proactive. not aimless. but usually i'm aimless. its when i'm at my best.

she gave me a ring.
in a box.
said she had a dream about me.
that she saw me running.
running to God. and he running to me.
and we met in the middle.
and he knelt down and gave me a box. asked me to marry him.
said i had no shame.
all shame was gone.
and he wanted me.

and do you know what your name means rebekah, she asked?
yes i shook my head but i've heard two versions.
one-captivating.
two-a rope that is twisted and tied.

and i told how i always hated that. that most people saw that as the meaning though the hebrew says differently in the root of the word. but whatever it was a silly thing to care about the meaning of a name....
and she told me, but you know what. it does mean captivating. the root means that. it can't be different. and you know the rope it is referencing is one finely crafted and lovely to behold. either way, you are beautiful and captivating. and HE wants you still. that is your name. divinely given to you, labeling your intrinsic value.

you haven't done too much for him.
and she gave me this box. and inside a ring. so i would always remember that He has chosen me. to bind himself to me forever. and no choice i made, especially no choice made upon me, can mar that.

and she told me that she believes in me.

and with white crystal dancing in the morning sunlight i drove home.
i drove home as red rocks flamed fire in the sunrise and white bellows of seafog danced in the meadows.
and my ring glistened pure and lovely

4:19-done.

sing praise, don't murmur despair

i am not thankful enough.
cancers of frustration and bitterness burn in my soul.
the solution, the drug necessary, is a healthy dose of appreciativeness for what i do have. instead of lamenting all i've lost or miss or do not have.
so, today i will record what makes me grateful.
what i love.
right now, in these very moments of this post-monday-school day.

today i will sing praise instead of murmuring despair.

1. a friend pulling out all the stops to help me help myself. bless you, lelane.
2. a hair cut i can literally do nothing to and have it lay "right" (ladies you know how difficult this this!!)
3. cute little boys who hug my legs so tight i bruise 
4. ...and clamor constantly for my approval and attention
5. my afrikaans getting to the point i can talk to the doctor and understand
6. clean sheets
7. friends willing to pay big bucks to send me packages and bless me and remind me i am not alone. or forgotten.
8. sunshine and cool breezes, all signs point to fall coming soon!!!
9. chocolate brown eyes and white teeth smiles that now can argue with me proving they do in fact understand the English i've poured into them these few months.
10. a backbone to not give into their cuteness....*sigh* they are so adorable
11. impromptu dance party to ms fitzgerald last night in my lapa before i drifted to sleep. i love her!
12. a good monday in school.
13. finding bread in the store that is affordable and reminds me of home and that. i. completely. adore. HUGE answer to prayer.
14. bread for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. it is THAT good.
15. for still believing and thinking bread is my favorite food. ever. of all time.
16. for my brothers girlfriend and the relationship we have and her dear emails
17. dreams of all the home movies i'll make with my sister when i'm home over Christmas and how we'll convince the other siblings to join in.
18. playing an old homey piano in a friends house while they holiday away
19. knowing my gram prays each day for me, and believing many others do as well
20. my $3 wal-mart shoes that have lasted 2 years now and still take me where i wanna go in comfort
21. the sweet girl at mr. video who let me open an account without ID so i could rent a movie
22. quinoa and beans and tomatoes and onions. a healthy happy supper.

the list goes on and on.....once you start you can't stop. errrr....or somethign like that.

what are you grateful for today? its a good day!

ps: if you read this in reeder. hop on over to my site! i finally took the time to update the template to something much more "me" then that green background. i feel at home now.....

carefree

when i think about "me" i always picture me around five. five was a very kind year to me. i'm not sure why, and probably now its just from constant repetition, but i really liked being five. and here are the reasons why.

• my hair was short. white white blonde. curly. and bouncy.
• i wore a lot of dresses and skirts. 
• i hadn't started school yet and hadn't realized what was to come from that (future post of explanation coming, semi-soon. maybe).
• my sister and i were best friends and i had a brand spankin new baby brother.
• my dad would sit with me and we'd read stories on his beloved chair that i have inherited and miss daily and sits in storage till i have a more "permanent" home.
• mom would let us roam the backyard freely and record us singing songs and making up plays and laugh with us.

....mostly when i think of me, i think of me, five and carefree and short bob curly hair bouncing in the wind.

because thats how i want to be now. free.

i've always had short hair. always. that is till very recently. i'll explain why later....i'm too sleepy just this moment.

i cut 13 inches off two years ago this May and had a very similar cut then. its been growing since that time i guess with just trims here and there. so its getting a bit long for me....

last night i was ready for a change and to be "me" again. so 5 or so inches later...here we are! and here is the photo we were going for, didn't quite achieve it, but got very close. give it a month and it'll have grown out to that length!

(the color photo was from this morning when it was still "styled." the B&W shots were just 20 minutes ago. after a hot sweaty day walking in downtown jozi, seeing Stomp, and car riding, so, not the cutest but you get the idea. see how happy i am?!?!)

i couldn't be more thrilled and happy!!

well, thats not true. i could.

i would if my beloved aunt who's always cut my hair did it (love you, aunt rose!). 

and i would be happy if it wasn't quite so layered. and if my bangs were cut and not razored. BUT besides those minor details i feel like me again.

i feel like a little girl. free and untainted and capable.

for those feelings alone i should always keep my hair short like this.

its like i'm a caged bird set free.

i love it!

and stomp was amazing. i darn near cried, which is not a surprise at all. i love that broadway shows are cheaper here. love it. with the drive and tolls and gas it ends up not being that cheap but man, was it worth it to have a nice fun day in downtown jozi and then see the show. wow. wow. wow. 

stars

stars speckle hope on a black night.
stars come forth when day is dimmest.
stars shine forth the moonlight.

stars enchant and delight.
stars twinkle twinkle in the night make you blink and see them twice.
for once is not enough.
stars demand a second glance to pause, still, remember.

silver shining on the midnight sky.
little love beams from fairy tales long ago they remain for ever
shining and reminding that good dances across the night.
even the moonless nights.

stars freckle the sky with beautiful.
stars caught and held in the heart.
expand and swish swoosh create little love beams from fairy lands
and light moonless nights when emotions soar wild.
stars pause the dreams and bring the moonlight full thunder
then sleep, provoked, comes swiftly, and safe envelopes you.

stars are hope across ancient skies.
stars scatter midnight seas and
dance free glitter over all of me.
and silent night peaceful sleep calls out: "rest, dear one."
stars sing their melodies as they shower over me.

....and then the fairy girl drifted to sleep and woke with moon dust in her eyes.

.......
*He created the stars. He created the lights, the expanse. i don't doubt for a moment, His singing over me is accomplished with each glimmer of every beloved star. For He speaks like a lover in ways i cherish and love and in the moments that move me, it is His whisper, then, that i hear. He is the stars. He is the light on midnight seas, beckoning, "rest, dear one."

....and so, i lay my head down and rest as stars dance over me singing their song of peace.
....................
my grandma just commented on my blog! NEVER thought this day would happen. oh, gram! i cherish your every day prayers! love love love you. and keep the comments coming! *smile*

briefly, in photos, Easter Weekend

this was the drive down the mountain. i dont even know why, but it enchanted me so.

i will never tire of seeing zebras. they scream "afrika!" to me. i love them.

the very first turtle i saw here in SA.

the weather was "rain" in the forecast all week. and it did seem to rain an awful lot. but it always seemed to rain when we were driving or at someone's house. when we were "out" we were blessed. blue blue skies.

this little one was so precious. ahhh just look at its delicate little legs.

i love lily ponds.

i loved this bird.

i spy with my little eye a hippo. and this was about all i spotted of him for the entire time we sat and watched him.

probably the biggest rack i have ever seen on a kudu.

o, you know...just an elephant, crossing the road.

this is where the lion was. see the big rock, just to the left is the lion, in front of that tree. amazing!! :)

hi lady lion

this series is what i like to call: "watch simba and nala make a baby." of course, its difficult to see. but it really happened. it was outrageous and unbelievable and awkward.

i told you i LOVE this little guy. SO SO SO stinkin cute. i want one! i love his little body. i love the way he just was spastic. he was freakin adorable.

one evening tannie magda came running to my room and said i must come and see this. she had a very large spider in the tub! it was gross. i can still barely look at it. *shudders*

i just love this shot. something about it is homey and simple and i want to paint it.

this was another massive kudu.

i. love. this. photo. it is like the elephant was hiding out in the trees and bushes. Peek-a-boo!

i couldn't decide if i wanted to shoot in black and white...

...or color.

i love this photo too. i love when the light shines through brightly and illuminates.

it is fall here in South Africa, however, the colors in the next few photos are not from the leaves changing. they are from a fire. but its still beautiful and i love the colors!!

this photo is amazing. i love the blurry elephant in the background and how i got my camera to focus on the leaves in the front. love it...

check out those fall colors?!?! *winks*

this is the beauty and problem of Kruger. its a wild park. the animals dont have signs saying "look here" or tags where you can chase them on your GPS. they are wild. free roaming. below you see the rhino. we were told by a car coming towards us there were rhino in the bushes, so naturally we looked for them. we had prayed ALL day for a rhino. it was the one animal i really wanted to see. so we pull up to the spot they are supposed to be and we are looking and looking. and then we spot it! i snapped this photo the very next moment. can you see it? now you understand how its possible to drive and see nothing or happen to see everything.

i have this exact photo that went out with my Christmas update letter. only it is from me just landing back home in the states and seeing snow. anyway. i guess i need to practice making some new faces that display shock and joy and awe.

look at that rhino!!! amazing!! (ps: there is NO zoom on that photo!)

deciding to cross the road

just behind our car!!!!!! *insert massive open face here* ps: isn't his little butt and legs cute?!?! i love rhinos!

told ya i liked his butt. so square and funny....

trying to make it out by 6 so we didn't get a fine! we lost track of time *smile*. that mountain in the distance, the pointy one, is where we stayed. literally. the place was on the top. it was amazing.

just another view of the college. friends of tannie's and oom's work there and so we stayed in the old hotel turned college/dorm for exceptionally cheap. it was beautiful and a blessing.

this is the only photo i have of collin. what a man! seriously! he was friends with oom and tannie and when he heard i started a school he gave me an entire years plus of Bible curriculum to use in teaching. it was well close to 20 pounds of teachers guides and children's book. i almost cried. i asked if i could pay or give a donation or something! anything! and he just said it was in honor, and his wife, elizabeth. she just recently passed away and he wanted to "pay forward" the life and legacy of her. i readily accepted and tears burned my eyes. he travels all over southern african nations in this truck, with a pop up camper! he travels like this so he doesn't have to be 'put up" by local churches and can sustain himself. he was a gem. it was an honor to spend time with someone that has spent well over 50 years sharing the Good News.

just the outside of my room, looking at the pool.

next door to the college is a very famous and large AIDS clinic. i should remember its name, and the founders name, but he's been asked to travel the world to replicate the system going on down there.

ashley and her mom drove with us to visit friends in the area. she and i would go for walks together and love all the flowers and greenery!

colors!

i. love. this. photo. man alive. sometimes i am completely surprised i capture images like this. but i know i did. thinking about blowing it up and hanging it above my bed...

i know thats a lot of photos. but....it was a very full and good weekend!! i'm waiting for some photos tannie M is gonna send me. so maybe i'll have some more soon, who knows?!?!