two years ago today...

...i rushed across the street to see my baby brothers at their prom. perk of living close to the nicest hotel in the city. they were dashing that day. i love them.

after a few photos and hugs i slipped out of my heels and walked back home. i think the joy of seeing them look so nice, walking home in blue skies and good ole' lancaster county sunshine, and feeling grass between my toes were little love-miracles to steady me for what was to come.

i entered the house and all was quiet and still till i reached the top step. and there he stood. the one i said yes to when pearl ring was placed on my finger. the one who i promised till death separates us. the one i trusted. he now sat on all his possessions packed in bags at his feet.

so this is what it feels like...

a few words were said. lies uttered. pain spoken and felt. silent nods from me.

"yes i understand what your doing." "yes, i realize you don't want to live with me." "yes, you're going to your parents? ok. ok...yes i hear you."

only...why? and its wrong. and silent pleas and prayers and questions stir in my head. but silence filled my every word. what do you say? when a mind is made up. made up and filled with lies. what do you say when your frozen in shock and disbelief and confusion and more vulnerable then ever.

i watched him gather everything and walk down our steps. it was the last time they were ours. i didn't watch him drive off.

i don't remember calling anyone. but i must have.
i don't remember leaving the floor in the living room, but i woke in bed so somehow i did.
i don't remember knowing how they came. they were those who loved me. sister and sean. parents. my lania. somehow i told them. and they sat and touched and prayed as i rocked and heart sobs escaped my voice. i don't remember them much. but they were there. when floor became ceiling and ceiling melted into floor they were there to signal what was up and what was down and hold me when i had nothing.

i don't know how to write. i don't know how because i still fear unbelief and accusations. and i still want to protect vows i made to keep and protect. and i want to be honest but i don't want or know how to be like that. i wrote something yesterday. posted it. then deleted it. but maybe i'll post it again. i want to name things for what they are. there is power in naming things and i feel sometimes i'd have more courage naming what is mine to name...but its not just my story. i feel you sorta forfeit your rights when you walk away from the Lord and your wife but even then its still not just my story. its his too.
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its been two years today. every day has been easier. days, and even weeks go by and i don't think of pain. they till me months will pass without a thought too at some point. really? i question ponder if it could be. i sit and ache in some moments still for every dream that walked out the door and died.

and He gives good gifts and good dreams but pain is still real and questions and whys linger.

i always prayed to be able to touch a life. to be able to share from my stories into other stories and find common ground. and answers to prayer are strange indeed because i never thought any story of mine would entail all that it has. never wanted it too.
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one of the only things i remember after he walked out was calling my mentor on the phone. and i choked out words before swift tears soaked through; and she prayed. i don't even remember the words but i sat on the bed and she prayed over me over the phone over state lines. last year i was in california with my brother. on this day we moved some of my dearest friends into a new house. i sat and they prayed over me. whispers of life and new hope. and today i sat and had hands touch and pray new life again. more whispers of life and hope.
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seasons come and bring new feelings and new processing and new understanding of grace. grace that floods and fills and shatters darkness that engulfs and hurts and frustrates forward motion.

His grace was sufficient for me two years ago.
His grace was sufficient for the dark was that still to come.
His grace was sufficient when i up and moved across the ocean, because though i'd given up on me being used again, He hadn't and still called me to share life and love and teach.
His grace is sufficient even today.
and it will be sufficient tomorrow.
despite the days and moments i have had, and still do have, and will again have thinking it isn't...
it IS. He is.
He's my portion and i believe working out in me good.
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two years ago today i felt and thought and believed i was over. that i would cease to be from the questions and torment and hurt. but here i am. not only alive but somehow teaching and loving precious little wee ones. still alive. still alive. still alive.
that is Grace.
so, here's to two years later, i'm still standing.

about the sex cafe

this morning, as most mornings this week went, i rose early.

early enough to hear my heart beat before the hectic pace of life set in and discolored my white quiet with loud craze rainbows.

and i sat overwhelmed. the quiet screamed to loudly. voices of girls i've never met begged for help. tears poured down my cheeks. i've been following anne the past 2 weeks. have you? she's brought me to tears. yes, i know i cry readily and easily. but you'd be a sick unfeeling person to not cry too.

she wrote about the sex cafe.

and i have no words.

sex trafficking. slavery.

it hurts my heart.

makes my head go all dizzy.

i wanna disbelieve. i want to believe its all lies. lies people have made up. that children are not bought and sold for less than a latte at starbucks. that women the age of my nieces are not lined up with numbers around their neck waiting for the highest bidder. i want to believe its all made up.

but it isn't. its real. its a nightmare.

i spent two weeks in Moldova (where the sex cafe is) the summer of '05. i won't lie and say i liked it. i didn't. in fact, coming from turkey, a country and people i connected with intimately and loved, moldova was a struggle. but a few things stand out in my mind. (obviously there are a lot more)

1. one of them is the heat and sunflowers. lots of sunflowers. 
2. another thing was the orphanage of children we worked in. special needs. children aged 21 the size of 3 year olds. 
3. one more thing was the women, scantily clad, walking and roaming the streets. young girls. we were told it was common and acceptable. but it unnerved me. and that was before i even was aware trafficking existed. let alone that chisinau was a hotspot for transport.

i don't know what to do when i read things like this. nothing else matters. for all i think and process and ache and do here, it often feels pointless when knowing little ones are sold.

sold.
babies. sold.....

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and if it wasn't providence that had me weeping over hurting women and girls and children. donald miller is at it once again challenging all to live a better story just this afternoon.

please take the next few moments and think about what you can do to end slavery.

stand and smile

sweet boy just moves to fast.
like the tasmanian devil, he is a whirl of activity and spunk and going! going! going!

it amazes me their little personalities. shining so brightly, so young.
i know them.
know that if i do this, it will make them say that.
know that if i treat them this way, they will react this way.

and i know that no matter how often he gets hurt he still goes at a go! go! go! pace.
lightening fast.

he fell down hard today. he was running in the school. running to get something for me.
and his dear little feet just got caught up in the ground.
he tumbled and hit his head fairly hard.
poor kelvin boy.

and so he moves with the wind blowing and coming and going.
and consequently he falls sometimes. but in a moment he is up.
within instants. and that smile i love so dearly is again on his face.
and he is back to running through life.

perhaps you could argue it isn't wise how fast he moves through life. and yes, there are certainly lessons in that. but today. oh, today what i love is how he just gets right back up.
back up and smiling.

i pray he always gets right back up and smiles when he falls down.

and that i have the courage to do that as well.

and not only to stand again, but to stand and smile.

these wee little ones teach more than i teach them. that is, if i pause long enough to

breath and see and take it in.

take in their God whispers in the everyday.

my new ring.

three minute thursday.
i've decided to try something different. thursday and three just sorta go, don't they? i think so. they got that t, h, and r thing. i've decided every thursday i will write for only three minutes. so maybe not every thursday, or maybe every thursday, i don't know that yet, but i do know i'll write only three minutes on every thursday that i write. it'll be a fun little exercise.
my three minutes will not count any links or photos or fixing of spelling. those i can add later. its my blog and my rules. and thanks to Alece, for sorta inspiring this. and inspiring my continual lovesong with Africa. she and i are more similar then i wish.
the rest of this all happened this morning, around 530.
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4:16-go!
days pass and what i want to say is buried in the secret places of my journal.
leather bound.
inspiring me to always be proactive. not aimless. but usually i'm aimless. its when i'm at my best.

she gave me a ring.
in a box.
said she had a dream about me.
that she saw me running.
running to God. and he running to me.
and we met in the middle.
and he knelt down and gave me a box. asked me to marry him.
said i had no shame.
all shame was gone.
and he wanted me.

and do you know what your name means rebekah, she asked?
yes i shook my head but i've heard two versions.
one-captivating.
two-a rope that is twisted and tied.

and i told how i always hated that. that most people saw that as the meaning though the hebrew says differently in the root of the word. but whatever it was a silly thing to care about the meaning of a name....
and she told me, but you know what. it does mean captivating. the root means that. it can't be different. and you know the rope it is referencing is one finely crafted and lovely to behold. either way, you are beautiful and captivating. and HE wants you still. that is your name. divinely given to you, labeling your intrinsic value.

you haven't done too much for him.
and she gave me this box. and inside a ring. so i would always remember that He has chosen me. to bind himself to me forever. and no choice i made, especially no choice made upon me, can mar that.

and she told me that she believes in me.

and with white crystal dancing in the morning sunlight i drove home.
i drove home as red rocks flamed fire in the sunrise and white bellows of seafog danced in the meadows.
and my ring glistened pure and lovely

4:19-done.

sing praise, don't murmur despair

i am not thankful enough.
cancers of frustration and bitterness burn in my soul.
the solution, the drug necessary, is a healthy dose of appreciativeness for what i do have. instead of lamenting all i've lost or miss or do not have.
so, today i will record what makes me grateful.
what i love.
right now, in these very moments of this post-monday-school day.

today i will sing praise instead of murmuring despair.

1. a friend pulling out all the stops to help me help myself. bless you, lelane.
2. a hair cut i can literally do nothing to and have it lay "right" (ladies you know how difficult this this!!)
3. cute little boys who hug my legs so tight i bruise 
4. ...and clamor constantly for my approval and attention
5. my afrikaans getting to the point i can talk to the doctor and understand
6. clean sheets
7. friends willing to pay big bucks to send me packages and bless me and remind me i am not alone. or forgotten.
8. sunshine and cool breezes, all signs point to fall coming soon!!!
9. chocolate brown eyes and white teeth smiles that now can argue with me proving they do in fact understand the English i've poured into them these few months.
10. a backbone to not give into their cuteness....*sigh* they are so adorable
11. impromptu dance party to ms fitzgerald last night in my lapa before i drifted to sleep. i love her!
12. a good monday in school.
13. finding bread in the store that is affordable and reminds me of home and that. i. completely. adore. HUGE answer to prayer.
14. bread for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. it is THAT good.
15. for still believing and thinking bread is my favorite food. ever. of all time.
16. for my brothers girlfriend and the relationship we have and her dear emails
17. dreams of all the home movies i'll make with my sister when i'm home over Christmas and how we'll convince the other siblings to join in.
18. playing an old homey piano in a friends house while they holiday away
19. knowing my gram prays each day for me, and believing many others do as well
20. my $3 wal-mart shoes that have lasted 2 years now and still take me where i wanna go in comfort
21. the sweet girl at mr. video who let me open an account without ID so i could rent a movie
22. quinoa and beans and tomatoes and onions. a healthy happy supper.

the list goes on and on.....once you start you can't stop. errrr....or somethign like that.

what are you grateful for today? its a good day!

ps: if you read this in reeder. hop on over to my site! i finally took the time to update the template to something much more "me" then that green background. i feel at home now.....

carefree

when i think about "me" i always picture me around five. five was a very kind year to me. i'm not sure why, and probably now its just from constant repetition, but i really liked being five. and here are the reasons why.

• my hair was short. white white blonde. curly. and bouncy.
• i wore a lot of dresses and skirts. 
• i hadn't started school yet and hadn't realized what was to come from that (future post of explanation coming, semi-soon. maybe).
• my sister and i were best friends and i had a brand spankin new baby brother.
• my dad would sit with me and we'd read stories on his beloved chair that i have inherited and miss daily and sits in storage till i have a more "permanent" home.
• mom would let us roam the backyard freely and record us singing songs and making up plays and laugh with us.

....mostly when i think of me, i think of me, five and carefree and short bob curly hair bouncing in the wind.

because thats how i want to be now. free.

i've always had short hair. always. that is till very recently. i'll explain why later....i'm too sleepy just this moment.

i cut 13 inches off two years ago this May and had a very similar cut then. its been growing since that time i guess with just trims here and there. so its getting a bit long for me....

last night i was ready for a change and to be "me" again. so 5 or so inches later...here we are! and here is the photo we were going for, didn't quite achieve it, but got very close. give it a month and it'll have grown out to that length!

(the color photo was from this morning when it was still "styled." the B&W shots were just 20 minutes ago. after a hot sweaty day walking in downtown jozi, seeing Stomp, and car riding, so, not the cutest but you get the idea. see how happy i am?!?!)

i couldn't be more thrilled and happy!!

well, thats not true. i could.

i would if my beloved aunt who's always cut my hair did it (love you, aunt rose!). 

and i would be happy if it wasn't quite so layered. and if my bangs were cut and not razored. BUT besides those minor details i feel like me again.

i feel like a little girl. free and untainted and capable.

for those feelings alone i should always keep my hair short like this.

its like i'm a caged bird set free.

i love it!

and stomp was amazing. i darn near cried, which is not a surprise at all. i love that broadway shows are cheaper here. love it. with the drive and tolls and gas it ends up not being that cheap but man, was it worth it to have a nice fun day in downtown jozi and then see the show. wow. wow. wow. 

stars

stars speckle hope on a black night.
stars come forth when day is dimmest.
stars shine forth the moonlight.

stars enchant and delight.
stars twinkle twinkle in the night make you blink and see them twice.
for once is not enough.
stars demand a second glance to pause, still, remember.

silver shining on the midnight sky.
little love beams from fairy tales long ago they remain for ever
shining and reminding that good dances across the night.
even the moonless nights.

stars freckle the sky with beautiful.
stars caught and held in the heart.
expand and swish swoosh create little love beams from fairy lands
and light moonless nights when emotions soar wild.
stars pause the dreams and bring the moonlight full thunder
then sleep, provoked, comes swiftly, and safe envelopes you.

stars are hope across ancient skies.
stars scatter midnight seas and
dance free glitter over all of me.
and silent night peaceful sleep calls out: "rest, dear one."
stars sing their melodies as they shower over me.

....and then the fairy girl drifted to sleep and woke with moon dust in her eyes.

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*He created the stars. He created the lights, the expanse. i don't doubt for a moment, His singing over me is accomplished with each glimmer of every beloved star. For He speaks like a lover in ways i cherish and love and in the moments that move me, it is His whisper, then, that i hear. He is the stars. He is the light on midnight seas, beckoning, "rest, dear one."

....and so, i lay my head down and rest as stars dance over me singing their song of peace.
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my grandma just commented on my blog! NEVER thought this day would happen. oh, gram! i cherish your every day prayers! love love love you. and keep the comments coming! *smile*