ups & downs, scars & smiles

every once in a while i hit writing panic mode.

everyday, almost, someone else tells me they read whats going on in my life. but so few comment (which is fine! really, it is) that it just leaves me unaware that "so and so" is reading till in real life they comment about something i wrote WEEKS ago. it gives me the ibby gibbys. however you spell that. do other families say it? its a favorite. of mine.

i sit just now and drink verona coffee dipped with buttermilk rusks that have become a recent obsession. i sit and ponder why i write. what the point is. and should i continue.

i want to continue. but i want to do it in secret. where no one sees. so i don't fear what others will think...

and i. write. free.

because right now so many supports read this, and i want them to continue supporting* me because i only have what is given by you all each month. but then i edit what i say here. and hello...don't all people realize that we're all not perfect so why would "missionaries" be perfect? i used to think missionaries were good, holy people. but that was before i became one. and perhaps i'm the only "non-perfect" one but i'm thinking, since i live on a farm full of other ex-pat missionaries, there are more (no offense, shikwaru family. its reality, and i love you all. truly. even though you all stalk this blog and never comment!!! hahaha *winks*) who also sin. *shudders*

and then there is the issue of knowing what i say could *gasp* offend someone. and that. is. not. okay. not okay for this middle child who is a peacemaker by heart. not okay for this girl who's great joy is in others joy. but this girl has deep deep passions and thoughts refined from heartache and Truth and years studying and starting and almost finishing a billion degrees amazingly getting one of the degrees, and living cross-culturally, and having an unusual family upbringing.* how do i go about balancing my desire for peace and harmony with my absolute conviction in certain things? even silly (or serious) things like why mint magnum bars are better than triple choc ones. or why gnomes should rule the world. or how i dont understand who created God and how He came to be but i absolutely believe He created this earth, this world i see and study about and that He loves me intimately. i am utterly convinced of these facts. but i don't know how to write about them. not in the way i want to write about them....

and people here on the farm are reading this. and my family at home reads about this. and friends of mine (hey chapmans!) asked if i write things i wouldn't say in person. and it makes me think. makes me make sure i've told whoever i want to tell in person what i'm gonna write before i write it, or that i don't write something i wouldn't say if given the chance. wow. did that make any sense? it sounded so much better in my head. but also, instead of searching through my email list its much simpler to just type out a quick update here and let whoever is interested read. and i secretly sorta hope i'll "hook" some new people into my life, into the school, into believing in me, that they would want to donate and help share this journey of starting a school and loving little ones.

this is the very first post i wrote here. that is what this is about. i'm gonna be more honest again. i was getting away from that. from things like this. that was very honest. to much comparing to other writers, to much editing. i might be an English teacher by degree but i despise editing myself. i like editing other work, but my own is to personal. i get to attached to every word; even the misplaced ones.

i am more and more convinced that honesty and being real is what connects. its a risk, its difficult, but authentic living is what attracts other people. who attract other people. and perhaps in turn, there will be a world of people not taking themselves to seriously, and believing in others more, and loving more, and judging less. and on and on my dreams go...

there is no point to this besides me committing to write real life. ups & downs, scars & smiles. so love love away on me. or judge me. but i am gonna get better at walking out the freedom i have in Christ.

freedom. to. be. me.

i feel better. now i can have a good weekend.
*grins*

*Jamie says everything i'm thinking on this better than i ever could.
*its the first time i have called my upbringing unusual. but i have never met someone that has a similar upbringing so i think its fair to say it was. most families don't take in other families, other singles, other "homeless" people; other families don't adopt and foster in the ways we did with the number of children we did. its fair to say i loved my growing up years, but they were unusual indeed.