pride

i was once told i was very prideful. it was rather shocking. i've always sort of thought of myself as close to humble you can be without actually being humble. (see, if i say it like that, i sound "more" humble, right?!? *wry grin*).

i remember the day vividly. it was a spring day. i smelled beautiful in the air, flowers were blossoming on campus. i was a junior. i remember walking along the path that led from my dorm room to the student center to visit one of my dearest mentors, the campus pastor. i had developed a friendship, a good surrogate father-daughter relationship with pastor haub. he was where i could be found after a puzzling discussion in any class, after a run-in with authority i questioned, after i was told i couldn't do something, after i got a good grade in class. pretty much whenever i was bored too. he had an entire wall of library books. it was a small piece of heaven in that office! :)

he was all kind blue eyes like my dad, too.

but this one spring day i was lamenting getting a 94% on a big paper. at LBC, for this class, that was a B. i was crushed. to be very honest, i can count on both hands the number of times i've received a B. i'm not naturally smart, i just like working hard and studying. like, as in, i'd rather spend my free time studying or debating then pretty much anything else.

i was complaining about how it would hurt my GPA. how now i'd have to work extra hard. on and on i went. suddenly i was interrupted. he asked me what i think of "______" (insert name of one of the girls in my section who really struggled with passing her classes). without thinking i answered that i love her and think she is amazing (because she is).

he then told me, "how dare i judge myself on a different scale. what makes me think i'm worthy to be on a "must get good grades" scale when i think its fully fine for my girls to get such and such for grades. or get bad grades. the reason i care is because i'm awful prideful and think i'm by nature better then everyone else so i have to get better grades."

it shocked the heck out of me.

still does.

but its true. i hadn't realized it, but its true. i do think i'm better than everyone else and therefore i deserve or "have to" get better grades. or better "this" or "that" or whatever. that conversation has stuck with me since then. i replay it over and over and it still convicts me.

i've been thinking about it a lot the past few days. i still like to get good grades. but i've tried to purpose in my heart and not let grades become an idol for me and source of pride like that. its hard. pride, is the very root of all other sins. and its a creeper. it creeps up slowly. usually very well intentioned at first.

reality is, i'm awfully prideful. and judgmental. if half the thoughts in my head were every said out loud i'd shudder in shame and embarrassment!

i'm prideful when it comes to academics, on a small scale, there is SO much more. what are you prideful about?

lets confess together and practice nipping our pride in the butt :)

*pastor Haub, have i ever told you how much that mean to me? how much it meant and means that you'd pour honest feedback into me and not let me settle or be apathetic? o thank you!