what a day :)

o dear....

how to summarize the past few hours and day?

its impossible.

i love this culture. i mean, today i do. somedays i'm confused and dont understand the hows? and whys? but today. ah, today it all makes so much sense and fills me with joy.

i went for what should have been a 20 minute business meeting at a neighboring farm. at least, i expected it to last that long.

2 1/2 hours later. 2 cups of coffee later. one child later.
i arrived home.

i can't even find words.
today the opening of the school to the community began.
the response overwhelmed me.
i only made it to one of the neighboring farms because this quick visit lasted so long. but it was great.
i have a new little boy.
boy. of course.
*smile*

i'll write more tomorrow. maybe. probably not. tomorrow will be crazy....
ahhhhhhh

amelie.....

today we've had a little girl in school. this is only the 3rd time in the school's history we've had a girl come to school. its a pretty big deal.
ok, a very big deal.
its made me realize a few things.
i figured i'd want to remember long-term, so i'm writing them down here...

1. girls are dainty
2. girls smell good
3. girls don't pick their nose
4. girls dont eat as much as boys
5. girls like to color
6. girls wear pink, a lot.

sweet amelie is the daughter of one of my bosses here on the farm. she's up visiting from roodepoort. big regional conferences are going on here at the lodge so i have a few more students in the school. its been hectic and joyous and exhausting and fun.

the boys and i dont know what to do with girls. girls are just so fragile and dainty. i kept finding myself marveling at amelie. the way she would sit. the way she folds her hands. the way she tucks her hair behind her ear. the boys did too. i tired not to stare, i didn't want amelie to think she is a freak and thats why we were watching her...but when you're used to one thing and something different comes along, you stare. i prefer 'marvel' to stare, but its the same general concept....

she is just so different then my boys. i couldn't get over it. its SO many little things i dont even know where to start. even in similar personality traits the way they present themselves are so different i'm in rapt attention and awe. girls are all cute and sweet and dear and my boys are.....rough, and hilarious, and dirty, and a million other things. its fascinating the differences at even a young young age.

i love watching the boys translate for the new students. i love seeing the kids smile in their eyes doing an activity they enjoy. i love it. today, as much as it held many moments of me wanting to crawl under my bed from exhaustion, was full of joy. i love my job. i really do. each day with the little people i'm reminded again that this is not what i want to do forever, but i enjoy it so much now. 

oh, i enjoy their antics. and them.

them as people.

my little people.

amelie missed her mom a lot today. she kept asking where she was. when she was coming for her. i dont blame her, i like her mom too. but she had to stay in school. we literally marked the clock till 4 and each hour, every few minutes we 'checked' to see how close she was to coming. was it soon? would it be soon? "i love my mom," she'd tell me again and again. poor thing. and so she became a tumor to my body the entire day. never being down or away from me more than a few minutes. 

i learned the afrikaans words for head, shoulders, nose, eyes, mouth, and toes today. we sang a lot.

the kids cried a lot. i wanted to pull out my hair a lot.

we watched a lot of movies. 

sometimes i feel bad putting on a movie for the kids. i want them to imagine. to think. to create. but when it is the ONE activity that stops the constant flow of tears...its hard to say no? you know?

*sigh* perhaps tomorrow my resolve to be creative will outweigh my desire to have a bit of quiet. its doubtful.

i'm exhausted. tomorrow will likely exhaust as well. so off to bed i go. 

but! before i do....

i HAD to share this still from Red Balloon. 

few things delight me as much as balloons...i love this movie. i LOVE this photo. so old timey and whimsical and sweet.

happy monday

about the link we share

as long as i remembered. when one hurts, so does the other.

when one experiences joy, so does the other.

when one is feeling beaten down so is the other...

its just how its always been.

how it always will be.

i remember being 8. laying in a hospital bed. a routine surgery didn’t turn out as planned.

i reacted to medicine the normal person can handle. what should have been in-and-out,

lasted for 3 days. or was it more, mom? i can’t remember...

i do remember being so sick...and hurting so much....

and dad brought abi and joey to see me. i remember his face, my baby brother, not even 3.

we strangarity’s might not always say our emotions well, but we have always worn them well.

seeing me so sick traumatized the poor kid.

not even 4 hours later, out shopping with dad he decided he was going to start throwing up too.

because i was. because he hurt for me. 

so he literally became sick too. 

all over the grocery cart, check-out counter, everything.*

thats how its always been with us.

when i'd have a giggle and joy rise up for boxing out someone twice my size, because you can do that when you box out properly, he'd smile too.

when he'd smash some tail back out of nowhere, cause a fumble, because thats what he did

as one of top linebackers in the state, i'd laugh with him. 

an innate sense of joy and accomplishment after destroying "the enemy," 

(the other team).

there's always been an unspoken trust. 

a shared form of mental processing that is weird and off but perfectly normal to each other.

february stole a lot of energy. good and bad. 

from me, from you.

and its amazing how catching up reveals all that.

two hours skyping is almost as good as getting coffee at chestnut cafe in person.

ok, ok, not even close. but the next best thing, right, joey?

i wrote a song this morning for us, brother.

about Him. and His new grace each day. about how He forgets every stain, every choice, everything, when we but ask. about how i can't and don't and wish i could. about how i don't know how to forgive myself. about how i miss you. i wrote it out sitting behind my lapa in the trees. monkeys danced in the limbs above me and i said my heart. for you, for me. then i stole away to roelene's and the piano. and i sat and created melody and music. melody and music that is fitting for hope. for future. because we have hope and future, and He isn't finished with us and will complete what He started. melody that is about Him and His blood making me new. about music that says what words always fail to communicate. about me feeling so sweetly comforted knowing you understand. knowing you believe for me, for yourself.....

it was the weirdest fastest its ever come. but that doesn't surprise me. it always comes so fast when i'm overwhelmed and words fail...

i love you, little brother. don't you want to fly to me for spring break?

*this could be one of our favorite family stories. it certainly is up there.

and momma....because you always worry and remind me of our 'link,'

i'm ok.

really, mom. He is very big today. i love you, too; 

and daddy, also you.

jealous you're all getting together to see Joseph. may it be good and sweet and may you miss me there less than i will miss you all together, here..

weekly roundup vol.2

this is my new profile photo on the illustrious facebook.

(which i'm currently going through another 'hate' season in our relationship. i just cant seem to decide if its pros are worth its cons...i digress...)

today, i'm missing these two precious baby girl nieces.

my sister was born to be a mother. i was born excited to be an aunt.

today i wish i was at home with these little beauties.

all of my 'updates' i saved throughout the week were deleted this morning. i dont remember them in my mind bc well, i save them here. till blogspot crashed on me. o well. this basically sums up today, since the 'week' is gone :(

i drive on this road a lot. a lot, a lot. freaks me out a bit.

reason number 873 why i will NEVER go on a cruise. ever.

i got lost in this suburb of jozi yesterday with francis car shopping. i mean, its not that large. i was maybe streets away from all this. i prayed for protection on the drive down not realizing how close danger was. oh, thank you, Lord!

this man is evil. his arrogance makes me sick. i didn't like him before i moved here, but having friends who are from zim makes me dislike him even more. talk about destroying a country and people. its hard to pray for him when i would love to give him a piece of mind and slap him. which i know will not solve anything, but i feel like it would make me feel better.

regardless of your view of her husband. how can you not love laura? i love her. and i think readers make the best writers. and she is quite the reader. i'm curious and excited to read this from her. she is poised. gracious. and lovely.

this is good news. really, really, good news.

i could link anything ann writes. in particular, this week, i found myself afraid of silence. and i venture you did as well....

what did you read this week that was fascinating?!?

about no milk in his cereal

each day he looks at me.
frantic.
all big chocolately brown eyes
the panic rising up is evident by the way his words slur together.
by his running up to me & grabbing my leg, pulling me, pushing me.
he's desperate to get me to understand one simple concept.
he doesn't want milk in his cereal.

"no milk, bekah. no milk."
somedays, he'll say, "no milk please."
usually not.

but each day his insistence grows. as if in the past 100 plus days i've ever given him milk to have him worry so.
i mean, i did the first few days he came to school.
but it only takes a weeks worth of not eating for me to see the kid means what he says and i better stop putting milk in his cereal if i want him to eat his food.

so perfect doesn't get milk. its so ingrained into me i would never even dream of putting milk in his cereal. but each day he asks me, begs me, reminds me, again and again to not put milk into his cereal.

and i have to remind myself i do the same thing with the Lord. if i being fully broken and imperfect know what my boys want and like, and do not want or like, how much more does He know what i need and want.
sometimes i find myself praying for the same thing. begging for this or that. He knows.
He knows already.
in the same way i dont need perfect hanging on my leg telling me he doesn't want milk today i realize i dont have to hang onto the Lord's leg and tell him what i want and need today.
He knows.

before i even ask He knows my need.
knows my heart.
knows my fears & dreams.

i just was reminded of this fact early this morning as i prepared the boys breakfast.

about monkeys wearing diapers?!?

....yes, yes. its  true.
and this is the face of a very happy post monkey holding bekah *smile*

i saw a monkey wearing a diaper last night.
oh, the things you see every day here in africa!*

it all started with an sms at noon.
"Anrich, do you have plans tonight at 7?"
little african brother turned 19.

his american sisters wanted to take him out.
after finalizing his availability. we told him be ready for a surprise at 7, and not to tell anyone!

we were running a bit late getting off the farm to head into town. so at 7:03 i receive this:
"so, my brother just kidnapped me....hehehe...this is so fun!"
only, his brother was not part of our plan!! and had no idea what we were doing!

we found out he was taken for supper to a friends.
but we had plans!
so we drove there, got there just as they finished serving the food onto plates.
apologized profusely for stealing anrich.
stole him anyway.
then hopped back into the car and headed for jeanettes (local eatery).
..........................
anrich's version of the evening so far:
o fun! leah and bekah and lauren wanna surprise me. oh boy! o boy! 
oh, whats that richard (brother)? be ready for a surprise at 7? ok...he must be in on it and didn't realize bekah got in touch with me. thats only 2 hours away now. oh boy! ok, so 7 comes around and richard says i must get in the car. we get in the car and go to sunettes. i'm expecting them to be there. so i walk in....waiting for a "surprise!" it doesn't happen. i see only 6 plates set. just enough...what is going on? i start to panic. that is when i sent the sms, bekah! 
...........................
hahahahhahahaha poor anrich! 
anyway. so we're sitting down to eat and notice that the man and kids at the table next to us have a pet monkey that is wearing a diaper!! (this is the best photo i could "sneak!" he was moving SOO fast!)

we ate our meal completely fixated that there is a monkey next to us!
a monkey in a diaper.
after the meal, leah and anrich got the nerve to ask if we could hold him.

..............
all photos are from anrich's phone. except the first one. i took it on leah's camera.
ahhhhhh what a fun and crazy night!
happy birthday, anrich! *smile*

*we dont see this every day. i mean, i certainly see the monkeys on the farm everyday. they will try and get into my room and eat my food. but a 'tame' monkey with a diaper on....that is a rare thing, indeed!!

she wears a necklace of pearls

my sweet nicole.....

she turned nine this week.

all sunflower hair and sea eyes.

she holds my hand when we pray.

she dances when there is no music.

she received real pearls for her birthday

strung together and clasped at her nape.

a gift from her brother.

“look tannie* bekah. for my wedding day. aren’t they lovely?”

“yes, yes, my sweet girl. and so are you.”

a kiss on her head and off she went dancing through the rest of the house.

she wore them with pride.

she is a big girl now. she wears real pearls. but only for a bit.

because, “i want them to still be lovely and not dirty for my wedding.”

smart girl. i’d want that too.

so off they went to her special pouch to stay safe and protected.

i wear a necklace around my neck too.

i wear it tied tightly on my back.

not with pride as nicole does.

but with the same determination.

her pearls mark her: pure, lovely, delighted in, hopeful.

mine mar me: branded, shamed, rejected, unworthy.**

unaware of how to unclasp what was placed against my wish.

my necklace is not one of pearls, or any other precious gem.

in place of each pearl is a lie whispered in darkness or shouted into the abyss. 

i spent the better part of last night crying and praying with other americans on the farm.***

i do so believe in my spirit that i am on the edge of something good.

the birthing of something new is so close i can almost taste it.

but old things are still clasped around my neck.

not for my wedding day...but, because of it...

some days things are easier to un-believe.

some days it is not so easy.

He brings in waves the lies so the removal isn’t so painful.

a new wave of truth has come. and now, i either can choose to 

remove the lies and replace with His truth, or 

snuff them down and let the lies be buried, still grasping me tight and letting

denial roam freely.

i’ll choose the former.

through harder in this moment, better, healthier, in the long run...

would you say a prayer for my necklaces to break.

so many have been removed already.

ah thank you Lord for faithfully, steadily walking with me...

but the clasp on these remaining ones is strong.

and i can not take them off alone.

........................................

*let me translate into english for you: auntie.

**isn’t that the point? that we are all so unworthy. that grace is fully unmerited. that grace is fully His goodwill and benevolence manifested on me. that i was never worthy. that i’ll never be worthy.... 

**funny story, my friend, oom jan, was laughing at me not even yesterday morning that i talk about the “americans over there” as if i’m not american. i guess its true. i feel neither american nor south african. but this strange mixture of many places and things. it made me laugh to realize i do talk about the Nomad team as the “americans” on the farm as if i’m not 'american.' i guess since they travel in a pack they stand out more...i like to think (to hope?) since i'm more 'solo' here i blend in and assimilate a bit better. anyway.... it was so funny!! haahhhhhhahaha