last night in awhile...

its my last night here in pa in a long time.
in fact, seeing as its 3am...it really isn't much of a "night" anymore.

joey just went to bed. my lone last friend as i mosied around
the living room.
my dearest little brother. my friend.
i'm packed.
all packed.

decided after weighing, re-weighing and sorting what "needs" to come
and what i "want" to come are not really different things
this time, my parents told me to just pay and check an extra suitcase.
so i am.
so i'm again packed.
glad i packed my main suitcases on monday morning.

all i can think about right now is how in the world i will get my stuff home if i ever leave.
when i leave.
if i leave.
i don't even mind leaving a lot behind.
but my books...ahhh
why must i love the written word SO much.

joey asked if i was going to bed just now.*
i told him of course and that i needed to check the flight status one last time.
but my heart is anywhere but my pillow.
which isn't true.
i'm so tired its a joke.
i slept fitfully all night last night.
if i go to bed now, that will be 5 hours till i wake. a respectable amount of sleep.
especially considering i have been blessed with the insurmountable
ability to sleep in any sort of transportation.
planes being one of my specialities.

i can't help and listen to my tears trickle off my face onto my lap as i type.
so many thoughts and feelings.
i've tired (and i think succeeded) to savor every last moment.
i've frozen time in my mind to take in the sights around me,
the smell.
ooo the glorious sounds of laughter and discussions and silliness of my family.

i told joey this was the best time i think i've ever have at home since when i left at 17.
he just said "really? yeah, it has been good. i'm glad bek."
then he started to cry and he told me he loved me and wished i wasn't going.
what do you say to that?
if i could take him with i would; my brother.
my friend.

i can't.
no matter the depth of my love it won't suddenly have the ability to transport
my family to my home in mokopane.
ooo how i wish.

i really have loved every moment of being home.
to fast.
not enough time.
never enough time.

i held my sweet namesake niece.
she in her 6 months of chubbiness and joy.
she kept clasping my face. not letting it go.
it was as if she knew it would be different, that she would be different and in her
own way she was trying to remember me.
remember me before i go back to "living in the computer" as her big sister thinks.
ooo the imagination and charm of 4 year olds.
they will be so much bigger when i return.
and skype is amazing. o bless the inventor of skype!
but it isn't the same. it doesn't allow me the feeling of holding those two little
girls. and their mommy. my sweet big sister.

tonight i just sat my video camera on facing the living room and my parents and my friend
and let it record life.
i wasn't even in the room the whole time myself...but i know that those kind of moments
are what i will ache for the most.

i can tell myself its just a year.
and it is just a year.
and these past 5 months flew and this will only be 7 more.
but its still so hard. so difficult to think i won't be here for another 12 months.
how do you say goodbye for a year?
i don't know.
i guess in a few hours i'll find out.
though, i'm sure because of the emotional state of this entire family
(thank you, gram, and those cuban genes...oh i love the spanish craziness) on a normal day,
tomorrow will be unique.
unique meaning not the sort of day you want to figure out what is the proper or unproper way to do something.

i think almost the whole fam is coming.
i'm glad.
the more of us there are, the more laughter there will be and the
least likely chance of uncontrollable tears.
i hope whoever sits beside me on the flight has a large
degree of grace because i will
be crying when i am not
sleeping.

i hate to leave the chair. i don't have anything else to say, but just knowing
the stillness of this house right now i won't see or experience again for so long
is enough to make me starve off al weariness and sleepiness and stay awake.
of course i will pay this week and all of next week for how i have pushed the
limits of what rebekah needs when it comes to sleeping the past two days.
i'm okay paying that sort of penance.

today i picked my old college roommate up from the airport. she flew in with her
husband.
i felt her belly. their baby growing. i held her hand.
we talked. we laughed. we prayed. we said hello and to quickly goodbye.

the Lord has been so good to me to allow me to see so many of my deepest girlfriends.
He has provided a car for me when i needed it.
He has allowed my siblings grace to share with me.
they have at various times given up a bed and floor space to
house all my things as i come and go so quickly.
literally my brothers have taken turns sleeping on the floor so i could have
a nice QUEEN size bed upstairs. just because they know i love to spread out before i go to
bed when i read and quiet my head even if when i really "go to bed" i lay so still and dont move till the
morning. that little bit of time before mean so much, and i dont have the ability to do that in my dear lapa in SA, so they allowed me to here.
oh bless them, Lord!

and tonight.
i felt so completely engulfed in love.
love all around me and seeping in my veins.
i could feel it giving me life and energy and peace to make it.
so many of my near and dear ones came to the house to just sit and converse with me
and each other as i packed and finished sending off my newsletters and repacked.
so much love.
i couldn't help but slip away at one moment to quietly marvel to myself,
store up the thoughts and feelings as i pretend "went to the bathroom"
so that in a week when i begin to get homesick i'll remember i'm so
very very loved.
because i am so very very loved.
i froze my heart there and then because love was all around me
and i was full of joy.
goods, melissa, mary, jewel, abi and the girls, crystal, smokers...i'm just so humbled by
your love and prayers for me.
thank you for coming tonight and allowing me to be a bit
frantic and preoccupied as i finish things.

in a few hours i'll board a plane.
to place that a year ago i didn't even know existed but now is home.

i'm not ready to say goodbye....

*just now being 10 minutes ago.