joy is in my heart

maybe i am still the cynic.
the doubter.
bitterness eats each fiber and the
very marrow of my being is
poison.

i cry-
wash it away.
i think i am fine.
i feel good.
whole and complete.
satisfaction in the work i do daily.

i do not cry.

mother writes, "is it a hard week, daughter?
your writing* seems frustrated and broken, and i love you."
a pause.
no, i feel fine. but then a step back.
revelation.
i am not fine.
was i ever?
is anyone ever?

i do not rise up in praise each morning
that i love the creator.
that i know the creator.

instead, i sigh.
pain shoots through my back.
again? today again, Lord?
old surgery wounds?
perhaps.
frustrations. petitions. fears.
what if it doesn't go away?
did i knock a screw lose?
should i not be holding and lifting and hugging babies
all day long?
how can i not?!
they need to be held so; loved so,
i need to hold them.

i do not weep for my salvation.

i'd still chose to throw the stone

given a chance, and a semi-easy target.

see?!

the stench of sin,
of delighting in sin,
rubs me raw.
i am raw.
......
things are not as i planned.
i fume quietly inside.

a call with a friend: 'how is your week?"
the gentle unleashing of words.
carefully constructed.
make me seem stronger.
make me seem stronger.
make me seem stronger.
make it seem hard but not too hard.
whispering into a phone i try and make sense of why i am not
right.
what is this unrest in my spirit.

6 words in, i am interrupted.
"hey, hey, slow down...this is not for the phone.
lets talk when i get back next week."

no feelings of gladness that someone else hears i am off.
no feelings of outrage i was interrupted for a later time.
apathy sings loud from the roof-beams of my heart.

no reason to be as i am right now.
no tragedy, new.
no deep joy, newly discovered.

but mother sees what children always try and hide.
think they hide so well.
and i am off.
it must be so as each moment ticks by
and i find anger a
closer and closer companion.

anger, a newly discovered trait of mine.
one i hate, but can't seem to be rid of.
middle child, always peaceable no longer.
yelling creates yellers.
i'm not a yeller yet,
but i am one-step away.

gah! may it never be so.
anger is never the heart emotion.
the real emotion.
kill the beast, kill the disease.
kill the beast, kill the disease.

take the knife and plunge it deep, lord.
cut away what poisons the entirety of me.
missing the mark.
i know better.

shame on me, i know better.
hello, grace? is that you?
come in, do come in...

but, still
i settle on losing an inch.
i've lost a foothold.
slipping off the edge.
one finger remains.
are you fast enough to grab me grasping?
or are you waiting for me on the bottom?
or did you grab hold before i even fell off?...
...too frozen, too terrified to realize that my stomach might have
fallen, but the rest of me is safe.

remember when i almost fainted when i got my ears
pierced.
it was nothing.
but the build up did a number, and
in spite of the fact i was
fully fine;
i fainted.
o dear.

is that how it is now?
are you already holding me in safety?
far, far, away?
must i just open my eyes to see.
will you open them for me?

weak, silly faith.
nothing is left to believe i am on sure footing.
so sorry.
so sorry for that.
snapped tightly shut.
fear keeps me closed.
not my eyes.
but, rather...me,
all of me.
closed.
fear.
falling?
safety.
safety.

what is this in me so frustrated? is it the moth making a
hayday of my hair?
the dung beetle that flew into my head one too many times?
i don't weep over you.
i don't weep over you.
yes, yes... could that be it?

tears have not fallen in almost a month.
too long.
too long.
but i can't will them.
soothing cleansing rain is not
easily on
command ready to spring forth.

cry for tears.
scream for tears.
wonder over tears.
no tears.

but you promised.
you promised.
you promised.

like lovers in a dance.
i whisper to you.
your ear alone.
you hold tight
leading me somewhere else.

pull back and let me see all of you.
see all of me, too.
eyes of love and a sureness of each step.
gentle pressure here, lead me this way.
a slight push away now, so a swift pull back can take place.
and i spin.
i spin.
i spin.
i spin round.
joy in my heart obvious for all to see.
smile so wide my cheeks make my eyes
disappear.
and as soon as the spinning began,
we are tight together
again.
joy in my heart.
in your heart, too.

out of breath.
joy is in my heart.
i am held tight.
sweat glistens my skin.
joy is in my heart.

you lead me all night long.
sing sweet songs in my ear.
i am home.
and i am home.
joy is in my heart.

joy in my heart,
but still unrest in my spirit?
what is that?

hold tighter.
lead me a safer way for a bit?
Lord, have mercy.
no, for real; have mercy.

and... open my eyes.
i've tried. my hands, they
never make it.
unwrap my fingers,
peel the layers from my eyes.
let me see, for,
joy is in my heart.

tears are welled, ready.
spring forth.
from heart to spirit.
joy dwell there, too.

*this would refer to emails and phone calls, and blog posting. o praise the Lord for gmail chatting and cheap phones. i love you, momma.