of songs, and time, and loving more

"you have to share this..."
soft words whispered in the dark.
from, a vagabond to the broken.
the request met with silence. it was past 2am.
there is no need for words in the midst of the dark.
my dark.

there are quite a few things i point to in the past 3 years that held me up.
light in my darkness.
two day after receiving my divorce papers i found out that
this girl from college needed a place to stay.
for 1-4 weeks.
i sorta knew colleen in school.
knew of her.
like my parents before me, i can not say no to taking
someone in.
letting my home be her home.

the three weeks colleen slept on the cushions from my sofa,
on the floor were weeks the Lord laid a foundation for healing.
i swear the Lord made her housing fall through so we'd be together.
i'd have her.

i was in the habit of only going to bed when the demons were
gone from my mind.
i knew if chaos was in my mind when i went to bed, that chaos would be in my dreams too.
sleep would not come.
so many times i saw the sun rise before i'd close my eyes.
it was always easier to sleep in the day knowing light was over me.
all around me.

within two days colleen realized i wasn't sleeping,
and invited herself into my darkness.
uninvited.
she came to realize my routine:
read and journal and
cry, cry cry.
watch 1-4 episodes of the office and
laugh, laugh, laugh.
when brain was shut off enough,
then, only then, sleep would come.

we began to talk.
she'd share her stories.
i'd whisper my own.
she'd share hope and life.
i'd ponder if life would exist again.
she would talk and pray.
i would cry.
she became invited.

on and on,
day after day.
she gave me the ministry of her time,
her heart.
she gave me the ministry of herself,
her presence.

i gave very little. it was not a balanced friendship.

one night the beginning of that second week she
shared one of her greatest fears.
"i'm afraid i'll leave Him or curse Him, forever nullifying the ability 
to be with Him, to love Him forever."

silence met her fear.
i had no words then.
it was after 1 in the morning.
i was in the cry cycle of my nightly routine.

a week later i shared what the Lord
showed me so far in that season.
His grace.*
and what His grace had taught me.
my story directly answered her fears. it
saved my own.

a month later driving through chicago i wrote lyrics to a song.
the melody followed a week after that when i sat down at my piano.
two days later i invited colleen to spend the night and visit.
i grew so attached to her.
missed her.

"...share this, bekah..." she whispered again in the dark.
only nods from me, and a shift in the conversation.
always a shift when things are vulnerable and uncomfortable.

and nothing makes me feel more
naked and laid bare
then playing my own music and singing
in front of others.

but a belief in me & my story led to
this evening.
colleen was the first to tell me i had to share
with others what the Lord
birthed in my dark.
what he birthed in the moments of light
during the dark.

i have played grace* before for friends here; for two friends.
one was reduced to tears,
the other was very quiet.
both asked for more.
more of my heart sung to melody.

this sunday, i will leap and share with the Body at large.
not only my grace, but two others as well.
colleen loved me as Christ,
showing me that life exists. and that it would for me again, too.

colls, i'm doing it...i'm sharing. 
thank you for allowing me to intertwine your story with my own & sing them.
i will sing it, and share it, as long as i have breath.
it is His story anyway, not either of ours. 

He is all about time and gently loving. colleen showed me that. i hope i show it to others as well.

(yes, yes, i realize this is 2 days late for wednesday. but is it ever late to walk with him?)

*maybe i'll share the words another day. i so want to...but without the music it is lacking so much...and if playing in front of people causes me to feel naked, you best believe typing them out here would lay me fully bare and exposed....