tonight, i feel cheap

you're gonna think i'm a freak.
one of those "super obsessed" fans.
the kind that stalks their favorite musician.
and i guess, to a point, i am that person.
but just in a cuter, less desirous of murder way.

before i continue, aunt christen, SO awesome to chat with you today.
really, you encouraged and blessed me and i'm so glad uncle dave asked you
to be his wife. love you!

a friend asked me what to pray for specifically for me this week.
and in usual rebekah fashion, before i realized what i needed prayer for, my fingers slipped
their way across the keypad and there was my heart.
unwrapped and opened and real and i hadn't "thought" about it.
does that happen to anyone else? just me?
i feel like i think i know what i'm thinking or feeling, but then i start to write and i'm amazed at where i end up.
weird.

i mention this to girlfriends occasionally. but i don't like talking about it.
but after reading THIS post from Mary-Beth chapman on her blog
(yes, yes, i stalk all the chapman family blogs, even the manager's blog. what can i say, i LOVE that family!!)
i realized i can be really honest and have it be ok today too.

so, tonight and today; i'm feeling cheap.
used.
wasted.
no-good.
and pointless.

trying to reconcile truth about who i am.
saved.
clean.
loved.
chosen.
desirable.
good.

with what i feel.
rejected. and blah blah blah...on and on.

today an old fear has crept into my heart that no one will want me because i've been married...and divorced...and have health issues....and have blonde hair...and wear glasses...and...and...and.

what silly excuses, eh?
i mean, they are completely legitimate fears and thoughts the Lord and i are wrestling
through.
but they are just simple lies spun by one seeking to see me bogged down and
wallowing so much in my
wounds i don't continue to live
through my scars.

blah....why is it so hard for truth to wrap its arms around me and hold tight.
i'm currently laying in my stifling hot african bed.
wondering and praying for Him to fill all of me.
remove the gunk and lies and replace them with
truth and beauty.

truth that He has created good men.
men who stick to their word, who love the
Word.
and beauty....
to know and realize like the diamonds i'm just in my refining
process but am already starting to glimmer
and sparkle
and shine
drawing all near to its beauty and life.

truth that someday, maybe, some man will see me and love me.
tonight, that seems like a reality too cruel to even hope for.
but i know its not...and i'm trying to take
captive my thoughts, hard as they be in this moment,
knowing He is the giver of all gifts.
good and bad.
and He knows my heart.

ah, Lord....here's to waiting on you...


......................
(and because i can't end on such a sad note....)
one of my friends from town has taken up to calling me becky.
is that even how you spell becky?
its been so weird and strange to hear someone call me that.
i've rebelled against that nickname for so long. but fritz is stuck on it.
saying it fits me. WHAT?!?! it does not fit me...
its weird and strange and foreign.
i'm bekah, or rebekah, or bek, or boo, or may, or be-bek, or may-may.
seriously, not becky. or becki or beckie.
weird...
....................
also, i've had some friends form childhood "find" me on facebook and because my name was "rebekah" on there, they referred to me as rebekah. but they used to call me bekah. i'm thinking they think that i now go by "rebekah." so i changed my name to "bekah" because to me, rebekah and bek are more intimate and real, and i don't like just anyone saying my full name. so now people can go back to calling me "bekah."
which is good.
because, bekah, has always been
what i feel is my more "given" name, and
rebekah is something for
special people, people that know me very well.

anyway....call me what you wish*, i don't mind.

*just not: becky. or any spelling variation on that name.