Jesus and laying on the grass

i just need Jesus.
i need Jesus to come, come sweet and swift and bring more of His love and goodness to me. i need more of His eyes to see. to see the beauty when i see broken, and pain, and frustration. i need more Jesus eyes to give me more time so i don't need sleep when there is so much to do. i need Jesus heartbeats to pour out of me days i just want to stay in close.

today my entourage of little men arrived. they missed the memo it is cold and monday lets be grumpy. well, a few of them got the memo. the rest were all bright-eyed smiles. how they melt me.

i have three now that are two. three two year old boys. 9 under five. all boys. all go-go-go! how i love that they are patient with me as i learn how to teach them better, how to explain more, how to quiet in patience and let their hearts expand and reach and create and form.

i spent a lot of time laying the grass with them today. whenever the day doesn't turn out like i had hoped and planned i have come to the point of throwing it away and just having fun with them. forget trying to get them to write their names. forget forcing them to sit still and lets try again. lets just go play outside. which is probably a bad attitude but i just feel they'll have years and years of school and as long as they understand and recognize their numbers and shapes and colors and letters i feel successful. i mostly want them to be loved. want them to enjoy school. want them to have fun. and i want to kiss all over their little chocolate and cream skin and share hugs and secrets.

so today we just rolled around in the grass. got all sorts of dirty. lost all sorts of calories laughing and laying. when enough of them are tickling and sharing and joining in i forget there is a grown up world i live in that has lots of aches and pains and i should be fearful and praying but instead i'm just laying on the grass having fun.

and thats really the point, isn't it? just to lay, roll around in the dirt and the green and laugh? to share hugs and kisses and secrets?

i am counting more of the endless gifts today. more secrets i have whispered up during the day: 17-34

• sticky little fingers that reach up and squeeze my cheeks 'hello'
• cooking dinner for a friend
• bed heaters 
• episodes of LOST
• skype. and my sister and mother and seeing their faces, finally
• red sweaters and winter hats
• manny worked today as i drove him home and to visit a friend. how marvelous in this winter weather to have a car. 
• thick, strong, black coffee
• new friends
• big boys who love when i sit at their table, eat my food with them, then feed them as they crowd around me and take turns for me to reach their mouth with their spoon with their food.
• big boys who don't seem to tire of me wanting to smother them in love and be catered too.
• honoring a former professor this past weekend and thinking of how he's impacted my life
• rusks. buttermilk rusks
• water bottles
• listening to a friend share her heart in the tiny copier room and praying and crying too.
• feeling the deep seated He is with me and life is crazy but i somehow feel fixed and strong and that is only Him growing in me....
• afternoon naps surrounded by little ones
• trusted friends watching over me and the kids sleeping so i'm able to sleep. bless you, becca!

may you spend today just rolling around in the green and dirt and be awakened to laugher and simple times and record your endless gifts. a grateful heart can't leave space for fear or anxiety. i will whisper this truth to myself as i fall asleep tonight and count off more...