this past weekend....

This past weekend I had GIRLS in school with me. It was a little weird at first. In fact, for like the first 3 hours I just sorta stared at them in rapt admiration and astonishment as to what to do with them. Thankfully I pulled it together and I think we had a banner weekend together.

It was national conference here at the farm for all our province leaders. So we had LOTS of guests and they all brought their families. I had lots of extra kids and worked lots of extra hours (which I think has contributed to my pooped-out-ness this week) but I really enjoyed seeing new faces.

On Saturday afternoon I painted the girls fingers and toes and sweet Nicole painted my fingers and toes.
It was a nice weekend even though I was pooped.

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And for a more serious post...

I've been thinking a lot lately how nice it would be being swept away on a grand romantic adventure.

You know the kind I mean....

The kind where the prince comes riding back home to you after fighting off the invading army with shear will and determination, courage and an unending promise to protect you, his beloved.

You see him approach from the distance. Slowly leading the line of the other valiant young men. Of course he is leading.
He's yours.
He isn't afraid to lead. To make hard decisions. To remind everyone else what they are fighting for.
He's isn't afraid to let you know he'd give anything to stay by your side forever, protecting you; but creating a safe home for you, is more important than the selfish desire to never leave and see the invading army decides to attack or not.

So he rides into town. Not seeing anyone else. Only you.
He's seen you.
You've seen him.
Once your eyes lock there is no one else. There is no other noise that creeps in like there used to be.
There isn't anyone or anything else till you are back in his arms again. He picks up his pace, the last few feet are the longest. Your eyes swell with tears. A joy so full and complete threatens to burst force in your heart and you feel physical pain knowing that he has returned; for you.

Suddenly as if in a dream, he is beside you, reaching down. He lightly strokes your cheek, beaming into your eyes, then in the softest swiftest movement sweeps you up to sit safely with him. (how's that alliteration?!?!) Safely tucked into him, you gallop off the rest of the way to your home.

All the while he whispers in your ear all the ways he missed you, adores you, longed for your simple company during the long nights. Reminds you there is no one else he'd rather be at home with. There is no other who stirs his heart with such wreckless joy and passion. No one else he'd rather stay up all night listening to. No one else he'd rather serve and fight for.

No one else he'd rather pursue time and time again no matter how much you feel like you disappoint him.

He doesn't seem to notice.
Or care.
Or he just loves you so much he forgets so quickly.

Before he sweeps you down to dismount the horse himself, only to quickly lift you back into his arms and carry you inside. He reminds you one last time of the beauty he sees so clearly in you.

Captivating.
Sparkling.
Intoxicating.

You are his dearly beloved. His bride. He's never wanted another.
And he will never tire of reminding you of his unending love no matter how many times you forget.

He's fought off your enemies.
He sits beside you when you want the quiet.
He joins you in laughter when life is too much.
He gently caresses your wounds till they are healed restored by the simple act of his loving.
Oil to your achy soul, he is a balm of life and joy.

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I'm trying to let myself be that loved. To feel like I am HIS beloved. To get all the head knowledge I have to move past the hurt and distrust that has separated me from my love. There is so much tears and silence and bleeding and I'm finding you can't just fall in love. You can't just say you want to fall in love. To be in love...

Even with someone you've loved your whole life.

When you hurt, when pain creeps in and sweeps away all the stability and joy in your relationship no simple prayers bring it back. No matter of "knowing" makes it real in your heart.
Longing, longing, longing, begging, begging, begging, hoping beyond hope for a change.....

Only a still small jump into the vast unknown of love will bring the healing and relationship back to the romance it once was.

I'm finding it harder to jump then I ever imagined.

Relationships are such a risk. And it seems to matter how He has reminded me He isn't going anywhere, I'm scared to jump and risk. Even though He's never hurt me...I find myself waiting for that one time it might happen.

O curse the patterns and expectations that have been brought into my life. May they all fall away so that life may remain:

And joy.
and peace.
and the romance I miss and long so desperately for......

a trip into my body the past few days....

You know how it is when you are sitting in the same position for too long? It might be your right leg and foot, or even your left arm, but slowly, surely, one of your limbs will start to send some funky messages to your brain.

Messages like, “uhhh, hello in there; you better move me because I’m not liking the stagnant position you have me in.”

You know what I’m talking about. You also know what happens when you ignore those messages because you’re comfortable. So comfortable.

First you start to feel the tingling of electric currents running up and down that leg. It isn’t so bad at first, but slightly uncomfortable. The tingling will last for a bit...but slowly the feelings will change. Then, everything will go numb. No feeling at all.

Then, the next thing that happens is the jerking and spasm that occurs in your muscles. You know what I mean. It might not physically move but inside you feel the twitching as your muscles adjust to whatever it is they are adjusting to. Sometimes your leg will physically kick and you’ll see it move, knowing the feeling of satisfaction that you aren’t going insane. Other times it’ll just feel like it’s kicking and moving internally.

Then all of a sudden your leg will feel like it weighs 3x as much as it did before. It won’t hold your weight when you stand up, it’ll give out on you. Then when you do try and persevere and continue walking pain will start slowly moving up and down your leg. The tingling will come back as the numbness slowly leaves. When all of those feelings leave, you’ll be back to normal. And your leg will send you a message something like this:

“uhhhhh, can we please NEVER do that again. I hated that. Didn’t you, brain? Let’s just listen to my signals next time so we don’t need to repeat that.”

But alas, your brain is stubborn and eventually you’re leg or arm or hand or foot fall asleep and go through the whole process again.

Now, imagine feeling that inside your brain?!?!? And to have those tingling and numb feelings up and down your legs and arms. To the tips of your fingers you feel the shooting electric current. Even your very tongue is a spasm and wondering what is going on to make it alternate being tingle-y and numb.

That is the best way I can describe how I feel this week. I’m coming off some of my medicine (which has been slowly happening for over 3 months now) but this week was the final “no more pills day” (a praise in and of itself!). However, my body isn’t liking missing its chemical friends as it has decided to go crazy.

Seriously, its like a giant New Year’s Eve party in my body that I wasn’t invited to.

Fun.

Only, not.

So I’ve spent two days ago feeling lousy but pushing through and working. My yesterday I spent deciding it was time to call it a day and take off and not work the afternoon, and my last night and today sleeping it off. So glad I have Leah here taking care of me. She’s had me holed up in her room, arranging for meals to be brought up, clothes and toothbrushes to make it to me here, people to work watching the kids for me, backrubs for my back, even a little foot massage.

Perhaps it pays to be feeling lousy!?!?! (smile)

Some GOOD things I’ve noticed since I literally have slowed down every movement.

1) My boys miss me! I was caught up on how the morning went, and I found out all the boys were crying my name and missing me. (laughing) I’m not happy it was a rough morning for the girls, but I am happy that they actually noticed I wasn’t there and missed me! Perhaps I am doing a good job teaching and impacting them!!! Also, I miss them terribly too.....

2) Leah is here. What a sweet blessing to have someone who knows me so intimately when I am well and when I am sick. I can’t praise the Lord enough for her. It was just what I needed to have someone take over and make decisions for me as my mind shut down and I wasn’t super thinking or talking or doing anything with myself yesterday.

3) The reminder from Jesus through others that I need to just chill and give myself grace in being healthy now physically and healing my heart emotionally.

4) A great farm family that keeps checking up on me constantly and loving me. What a blessing working at a place that lets me take off and be healthy.

5) Roelene to just sit and let me sob into her stomach for awhile as I had many "Moments" yesterday at school before deciding it was stupid working and took the day off. I love my SA mom.
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I love being here, so what that I've been more homesick the past few days missing my family since feeling so sick, I am SO assured this is exactly where Jesus wants me. (imagine radiant smile on my dizzy face)

Here is a toast and prayer that tomorrow my body will be ever more closer to back to normal and I’ll walk without being aware of sharp objects on the ground in case I decide to faint suddenly. (hahahaha but so true!)

my boys

My boys

My boys create guns out of anything. Currently its lego’s. And their favorite thing to kill is zebras and monkeys. There are SO many zebras and monkeys that try to attack us ALL the time. They used to love to attack each other, but enough spanking as occurred that they now realize that they are each others friends and not to be shot. My boys shoot animals not people; at least most of the time....

My boys love to roll in the grass and dirt. They also love to grab Tannie Bekah and roll over her in the dirt. They love when they roll me into the dirt and I get full of grass just like they do. They have discovered that rolling over me into each other is a ball of fun.

My boys like to be pushed so high on the swing that they hit the tree branches. Higher is better and when we accidently crash into each other we love it! It might give Tannie Bekah a heart attack but we don’t understand that. To us, it is the best sort of fun to bump into each other.

My boys come to me with something bleeding at least once a day. My boys have discovered that Tannie Bekah has magical kisses that heal any boo boo and that shaking it off makes anything instantly stop hurting. Its amazing.

My boys love to give hugs to me and to each other. They also love to kiss each other on the head the way Tannie Bekah does. They love to sit on Tannie Bekah’s lap and snuggle for a few moments than be tickled to death. My arms are always full of someone loving me and being loved by me.

My boys are full of desire for admiration. They want Tannie Bekah’s recognition and appreciation for every new jump mastered on the trampoline. They always yell for me to watch every move they make and they seek so badly to receive the high five of a job well done.

My boys are fighters. They’ve already killed over 200 lions defending me. I never worry for my safety because they are always on the lookout for naughty monkeys and lions and tigers coming to eat me.

My boys don’t like to drop things into the buckets at clean up time. Rather, they like to “pee” them in from their waist. It is their new favorite thing and is causing Tannie Bekah a hard time trying to break this new favorite habit that has developed.

My boys favorite thing is to get me so dizzy spinning them that I fall down and they can tickle me. They have discovered my ears and my neck make me giggle and laugh so hard. It is their new objective in life to cause me to squirm around like they do.

My boys love love love to be picked up from their feet, hung upside down and spun around and around. The faster the better.

My boys have learned that they can run and jump into Tannie Bekah’s arms and be caught. The faster they run and the harder they jump the more excitement it causes Tannie Bekah to have. They love when she is making noise.

My boys have discovered they have a head, shoulders, knees and toes, and they love to sing the song that goes with those body parts.

My boys still cry in the morning when their parents drop them off. They love their parents a lot. Thankfully, within a few moments they realize they are ok and will see their families at the end of the day.

My boys love apples. And they also love curious george. No other movie or monkey for that matter can compare to how silly he is.

My boys know the difference between a 4x4 car and one that doesn’t have 4X4. And they ALL like 4x4 cars better.

My boys make me smile. Every new phrase grasped is cause for a celebration. Every new time they listen just a tiny bit quicker is reason to smile inside. Each time I get a surprise hug my heart swells.

My boys are currently the biggest part of my day. They are hilarious. They are sweet. They are naughty. They are special.

My boys know the frustrations of being in a classroom where there are 4 other languages going on at the same time. They have learned the difference between saying “please” and “give now.” They know how difficult it is to convey what they really mean and they know the look Tannie Bekah gets when she feels bad for their frustrations.

My boys would rather eat with their hands then silverware. Though they know perfectly well how to use a fork and spoon, their fingers and hands just serve the purpose much better. They’ve also realized that if they remember to wash with soap and water before the meal, Tannie Bekah will usually let them eat like that.

My boys pray over their meal in their native language. They love to pray before a meal. They know that Tannie Bekah gets all teary eyed hearing them pray. My dear boys don’t realize that hearing their sweet simple prayers could be my favorite part of each day.

I wish you knew my boys like I do.

But I hope this helped you to see all that goes on in a day spent with my boys.

guess what?!?!?!

Spring is on its way!!!
I saw this BEAUTIFUL flower not 5 feet from my front door this afternoon.

Flowers are a blooming. Spring is pushing its way to the surface after a cold and blustery winter.

SO excited warm weather is on its way!!! I'm SO over sweaters and waking up freezing and not feeling my toes, and drinking warm things, and the bed heater, and, and, and, and, and.....

















Welcome spring! You are my favorite season. I love you. I love the new flowers that you bloom. I love you. I love the way your dew sits on your warm spring grass in the mornings. I love you. I love how the air is filled with the fragrance of flowers blooming. I love you. I love how you cause the branches to fill with leaves creating shade for me to sit under when I read my books. I love you.

I love you.
You are my favorite season.
I am SO GLAD you are coming out to say hello again....
I've missed you....

all over me

Jesus has been LOVING all over me the past two days...

He's been almost to sweet. To much.

but, uh, I'll take it!

Last night I had a wonderful dinner meeting with Jacques and his family. I couldn't be more proud to work for a man and ministry that loves Jesus so much. His care of me just really refreshed my spirit. I had a blast with jacque and nicole. They showed me all their newest gymnastics moves. I showed them some of my own. woot woot positive fitness.

Dinner was amazing. And lizzie made my favorites (brownies!!!!) Which i haven't had since my sweet melissa made them for me the day I left America. A-mazing!

The three of us sat around and talked and I just cried and shared so much of my heart since arriving here and getting ready to come while I was home. So many of the "secret" prayers between Jesus and me were answered in their hearts and responses. I was SO amazed and blessed by Jesus. It was delightful. I left feeling so elated that I work HERE for this ministry doing the work I am doing. It again just re-confirmed SO much how this is the place I am meant to be right now. Wow....

Jacques also mentioned again how he just believes the Lord is using this time to really restore to me all thats been lost. He told me how restoration is not simply giving back what was lost but giving MORE and something better. I guess maybe I knew that was part of the connotation of restoring but I forgot. What a sweet reminder!!!

Then tonight I went and had dinner with some friends from church. It was my first time driving (thanks for the lesson, seth!) alone AND at night. I was nervous as town is not big but difficult to navigate. But I made it in one piece. (side note: after having to call Matthew to come meet me because I was lost. BUT i was lost only one block from their house.)

What an amazing meal! First time eating curry...and...wait....for....it...REAL COFFEE!!!!!!!!!! I was so giddy I made them all laugh, it was awesome. I don't mind nescafe to much, but real, filtered coffee just made my night.

Then as I was leaving, they all sat and prayed for me. I guess I just realize how weak my faith is right now. Because I can agree with prayers but barely think to say them myself. It was such a sweet time of fellowship and lifting up our hearts (or my heart) to God. I was crying and just so sweetly blessed.

Also, Jennie prayed Joel 2:25-26 over me. These are the verses my church prayed over me before I left. They are the verses I have silently hoped the weak hope I have, for the past year or so, and here again they come up. I just was blown away and realized that the Lord really is going to restore something to me. I'm not sure what but I know it'll be sweet as honey and good. And that is enough....


I am SO so so so so sleepy but I just had to share both of these wonderful moments with you all....

For my sister...because she asked. I'm sorry I don't have more recent ones. I have since moved all the furniture around and taken some things out and got new pieces from the warehouse. But this will do till I get my camera out and get some more! I don't live in a "hut" but its not a house either. I have a grass thatched roof. Which I love because it stays cooler in summer and warm in winter. It also just feels way more homey to me. Not sure why since I didn't have one of those at home. Though I do hear things very clearly outside. Like last night when the dogs and monkeys got in a fight. That kept me awake till around midnight. It isn't loud like Lancaster city gets with the car horns though...so thats good! It's called a Lapa (or my tired mind is remember that word tonight...) and its my home. I LOVE having my own place.

love you, abi!








































You can see the inside. Looking to the front door and looking into the bathroom door. Also, what it looks like form the outside. I will be moving in less than a month though and also, it looks way more "homey" inside. These were from the first few days I was here...its more Rebekah lived in and decorated now. :)




Also, tonight I had the most encouraging night ever. I spent it with my boss and his family. And I just can't even begin to describe how greatful I am to work for a ministry that is run by such a Godly man. Dinner was amazing. Lizzie made brownies (my FAVORITE), the kids were hilarious and delightful. We had family devotions and prayer time. and I just sat and wept and talked with Jacques and Lizzie. It was so good for my heart! We exchanged movies and they gave me a bazillion books to read to help me feel more confident disciplining the students. AKA: the boys. Jacques also drove me home so I didn't have to walk in the cold and dark. :) Going to bed contented and blessed Jesus chose this place for me for this season.

Happy Birthday, Marvin

Last Saturday night a new little baby boy was born on the farm. (there is much discussion when he will arrive at the creche.....hahaha: yikes!) He is soooo sweet and adorable and basically has the tiniest little cry you could ever imagine. I adore him!

His name is Marvin, and his big brother is in my school. I usually walk down to his parents to visit twice a week because he reminds me of my sweet Sadie girl at home. He's already grown so much in a week its crazy!!!