Jesus and laying on the grass

i just need Jesus.
i need Jesus to come, come sweet and swift and bring more of His love and goodness to me. i need more of His eyes to see. to see the beauty when i see broken, and pain, and frustration. i need more Jesus eyes to give me more time so i don't need sleep when there is so much to do. i need Jesus heartbeats to pour out of me days i just want to stay in close.

today my entourage of little men arrived. they missed the memo it is cold and monday lets be grumpy. well, a few of them got the memo. the rest were all bright-eyed smiles. how they melt me.

i have three now that are two. three two year old boys. 9 under five. all boys. all go-go-go! how i love that they are patient with me as i learn how to teach them better, how to explain more, how to quiet in patience and let their hearts expand and reach and create and form.

i spent a lot of time laying the grass with them today. whenever the day doesn't turn out like i had hoped and planned i have come to the point of throwing it away and just having fun with them. forget trying to get them to write their names. forget forcing them to sit still and lets try again. lets just go play outside. which is probably a bad attitude but i just feel they'll have years and years of school and as long as they understand and recognize their numbers and shapes and colors and letters i feel successful. i mostly want them to be loved. want them to enjoy school. want them to have fun. and i want to kiss all over their little chocolate and cream skin and share hugs and secrets.

so today we just rolled around in the grass. got all sorts of dirty. lost all sorts of calories laughing and laying. when enough of them are tickling and sharing and joining in i forget there is a grown up world i live in that has lots of aches and pains and i should be fearful and praying but instead i'm just laying on the grass having fun.

and thats really the point, isn't it? just to lay, roll around in the dirt and the green and laugh? to share hugs and kisses and secrets?

i am counting more of the endless gifts today. more secrets i have whispered up during the day: 17-34

• sticky little fingers that reach up and squeeze my cheeks 'hello'
• cooking dinner for a friend
• bed heaters 
• episodes of LOST
• skype. and my sister and mother and seeing their faces, finally
• red sweaters and winter hats
• manny worked today as i drove him home and to visit a friend. how marvelous in this winter weather to have a car. 
• thick, strong, black coffee
• new friends
• big boys who love when i sit at their table, eat my food with them, then feed them as they crowd around me and take turns for me to reach their mouth with their spoon with their food.
• big boys who don't seem to tire of me wanting to smother them in love and be catered too.
• honoring a former professor this past weekend and thinking of how he's impacted my life
• rusks. buttermilk rusks
• water bottles
• listening to a friend share her heart in the tiny copier room and praying and crying too.
• feeling the deep seated He is with me and life is crazy but i somehow feel fixed and strong and that is only Him growing in me....
• afternoon naps surrounded by little ones
• trusted friends watching over me and the kids sleeping so i'm able to sleep. bless you, becca!

may you spend today just rolling around in the green and dirt and be awakened to laugher and simple times and record your endless gifts. a grateful heart can't leave space for fear or anxiety. i will whisper this truth to myself as i fall asleep tonight and count off more...

flying to Dubai

brownies are in the oven.
just finished watching the Blue Bulls win tonights game. that means next week is the final. back to back wins.
i was here last year and watching them win it all was half the reason i became a bulls fan and decided that indeed i do think "God is calling me to africa." ha! but for real...i did so LOVE watching the rugby games last may and any country that has such passion and drive is fine by me and of course, this is blue country here on the farm so its only natural i like the bulls...

i just got done purchasing a ticket for a vacation in june. in the dead of winter. i will be missing one of the world cup games i was going to go to. a game to see my favorite player in the entire world play in. but its worth it. i'm still a bit jittery that its all come together and its going to happen. i've NEVER taken a vacation to another country.

i'm flying up to Dubai for a few days to see my college roommate, her husband and the new baby girl. you better believe there are bottled up Merryn hugs and kisses and this auntie's heart is aching to meet that little girl. i'm also excited because i will pass both parents on countries visited and slept in (love ya, mom and dad!) and in this family those bragging rights are impressive, and, well...bragged on. *smile*

it will be so sweet for so many reasons. there is something about being in the company of dear heart-friends that is healing. ellen and dan have always been such wisdom-filled people and i am deeply looking forward to time away to pray, think, and have their input in my life. due to where elly and dan live and minister and how nomadic my life is i wouldn't see them for at least 4 years if not now, and i am just very gracious and blessed to be able to fly up and meet them. seriously. my heart is fully and my eyes are weeping tears of joy and gratitude.

speaking of bragging. my little baby sister has her graduation party today. she graduates from high school and with her CNA and already has a full-time job. i love you Natalie Grace. I am SO SO SO proud of you. i remember the day you arrived home from the airport, all 13 years of Russian. terrified, wide-eyed, sleepy and adorable. you were so little then, and now you are my grown sister and graduating high school. i love you little sister. i miss you. and i am terribly proud of you today. african hugs and kisses are sent to you tonight!

weekly roundup vol. 8

i have exceeded my upload limit when it comes to photos. i haven ever been a fan of blogspot. i'm thinking after finding this out, its my cue to leave and go elsewhere.
ahhhhh
why? i haven't even had this site for a year. its a bit frustrating i must say. what to do? where to go? i wonder if can convince my one of my cousins to design something for me. because this whole you can't upload anymore photos thing is not gonna cut it when this is my way main way to communicate visuals and joy from life here to the life i said by to in the states (hey family!).

not sure what to do. even today i had in my cue lots and lots to upload...anyone know of a way to add more? hmmmm

what did you like around the web this week?

i've been pouring over this article all week. its interesting and provoking and all about adoption.

this is beautiful. just lovely.

i've seen a few of these. and i've wanted to see them all for quite a bit! i LOVE documentaries. awesome!

this, along with this, sometimes freak me out about teaching the wee ones. reality is, they are like me. talk like me, walk like me, do what i do...its a big deal shaping their lives.

30 years later.

this kid is amazing. wow. just, wow.

they nod in close, and i do too. its our morning fix.

there are little bubbles of spring in my heart.
in my mind.
and i don't know how to put to paper what is stirring, and being removed, and encouraged.

a friend is writing a book. its one of the most exciting things i've ever been a part of. and its a small part. and i'm not even really a part of it. my part consists in being blessed to receive email drafts weekly if not daily and share what moves and stirs and what can be re-worked and what is good, and really there are never any grammatical edits. its a book i believe in with so much of my being it almost aches. each chapter, each sentence, each little section just pricks little Jesus heartbeats in me and i feel at once broken and healed and loved up and over and complete. its a book about suffering and pain and it isn't just little nice sunday school answers that praying this prayer and reading this passage will help you. it is much more gruesome and real and hope-filled and i. love. that.

i love that, because the more i sit with Jesus and just pour and read and sit and pour and read and sit in the gospels with Him the more i realize i've sorta screwed Him up in my mind and He's a lot more radical then i like to think of Him. and i love that. i love the passion and feelings and re-reading what He did and who He is and how He cares for the marginalized and sick and the diseased and He could've cared less for those running business, those running towns, the ones making decisions, and running nonprofit's, and the presidents, and the learned ones* and He just longed to sit with the wee little ones and He was moved be swift and sweet compassion and He felt. He felt.

oh, He felt and i see how all His feelings wrapped up together and no box can hold how He moves from one feeling to the other in a moment and He wasn't ashamed....

each morning the boys and i have begun to play a little game. its called hugfest-hide-and-seek. i listen closely by the window for little foot falls and little voices talking and laughing as early morning fog drifts in and out by the school house. i listen. i hear the faintest whispers of their coming home to me. i wait till i hear they are at the door. sliding glass and i peek around the corner and get glances of winter hats and gloves despite the fact its not even in the 50s yet. these african blooded ones are chilly when the morning is still bright with new dew mornings full of love.

i peek my head round the corner. they pause at the door. our eyes lock together. slow smiles creep up over cold faces. the door opens. i kneel. arms outstretched and i hear giggles and running as they race to fall into me. we pause and linger like that for a few moments. letting the morning chill wash away in warm embraces of love. they tuck into me and we pull closer and speak hellos and how are you and i missed you and i glance down to see little smiles and feel the nodding of heads against each part they cling to.

of course that isn't how every day goes. some days i pause at the door and wait. eager for my morning full of their hugs. the drug that is sweeter than honey and healing to my own cold morning bones. somedays i just pause and sit and watch eager for the running and jumping and slamming of body against body. but they pause. they give a nod and shoulder shrug that speaks they don't need my warm hug today. in fact, all they care for is "why can't i eat my chappie now?" and "i want to play with legos, now!" i pause in those moments and wonder what happened their desire isn't there anymore for my morning hug. was i harsh yesterday? did they sleep bad? is my hair really that crazy in the morning? my thoughts can run together and together and beggar's questions fill my mind.

but that only lasts so long. these african ones, all of them, need the morning hugs and small moments of connection as much as i do. and so shortly we will meet in a hug and warmth is shared and connections are made.

some mornings dont go as i planned with my morning hugs. some do. sometimes life doesn't work out how i planned. sometimes it does. i guess thats why this book has me so excited and energized. because its wonderful. and encouraging...

and no matter if mornings consist of dew hugged connections or of toys being chosen first, they all can end the same. they all end with me in utter need of Jesus to speak life into my bones and prayers and pleas that He lay down deep what He showed me in spending so much time with these little ones who just always speak God-whispered lessons to my heart.

because no matter the moment of the day, He is there speaking and loving and He is the one that brings the morning dew and fill of love. and that will never shift or change and is not determined by our wants and desires and longing for lesser things to fill and come.
He is the one that will gently, always peek His head round the corner and wait expectant for me to walk home, then wait all arms-outstretched and i will stand and our eyes will meet and lock and we pause and i linger in the look He brings my heart and then door opens and i full of giggles, run and leap and nuzzle in close and my head nods as He bathes me in His love and words and welcome and we stay like that till He's warmed me up from morning chill and then i too run off on my way all full of morning light.

its not just my morning routine with my little ones. its my morning routine with Him and i'm His little one. and each morning, or, at least the good mornings, we meet in that warm embrace and i nod into Him for my fill. and listen as words of welcome dance across the crevices of what is. and His words are my honey and healing. and it is good.

*but glory! glory! glory! that He too cares for those running towns, and presidents and leaders and He moves swift for them too for they are broken sick also but in different ways. and somehow He is all-together what is needed there and what is needed everywhere and in small ways that intimate little dust hearts of ours can feel and know and we step back and sigh that He is what is healing and redeeming and we glory! glory! glory! for He is good.
just, good.

wanna be one of them

i have few words tonight. my heart feels at once full and empty and hopeful and confused and expectant.

i listened to this song of sara's on the way home tonight.*

on repeat. over and over.

i had goosebumps and was crying by the time i reached home.

i just so ache to be one of them.

to be one that has a story written. to be the one that lives a story.

i am in the middle of my story. and i want to live it well.

i want to live it so that others are inspired to live their stories well.

i want to be counted among the saints that gave up everything, sacrificed everything, and ran to Jesus with all reckless abandon. 

there is just something in the building of the melody, the stirring of the words, and the way they connect with my heart.

setting captives free.

let the blind see! let the bounds be broken.

Christ has come and we are free.

Glory glory, hallelujah. I feel it in my bones.

He is coming, friends. He is coming.

.....................................................
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
And when the Saints go marching in 
I want to be one of them

I see the long quiet walk along the Underground Railroad
I see the slave awakening to the value of her soul 

I see the young missionary and the angry spear
I see his family returning with no trace of fear

I see the long hard shadows of Calcutta nights
I see the sister standing by the dying man's side

I see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor
I see the man with a passion come and kicking down the door

I see the man of sorrows and his long troubled road
I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load
.............................
i added the italics to sara's lyrics.

*if that is the wrong song, or poor quality or something funky appears, i wasn't able to get the video to load, i just saw the opening shot and the title...so my african ability to preview is stunted just now.

Things I learned this weekend

What I discovered again, anew this weekend.

• I'm a control freak.
• I still don't really like group projects. Love me a great group (and this was one), hate the feeling of wanting to get the task done, while everyone else wants to talk and share stories and what not. And hate how I can't relax and enjoy the conversing when deadlines loom in my head.
• I'll always be more task-oriented then people oriented and that will always surprise everyone. myself included.
• I get to emotionally attached to imaginary things. Like the kids I wrote. 
• I really like being outdoors in the sun, with leaves and trees all around me.

Most of these are not new things. This past weekend I was away with six other people on a writing and brainstorming weekend. We had a deadline. Today. We had over 48 stories to write. My head hurts from thinking. My eyes hurt from looking at my laptop screen all weekend. My heart hurts for writing what was needed but painful.

It was a weekend of laughter. It was a weekend of questioning and clarifying and figuring out how to say this or how to say that. It was filled with character development. Why would so and so do this? Why would they not do that? On and on the back and forth went till we were confident enough in who each character was. Then the writing began. Then the re-writing began. Followed by the editing. Then the frustrations rang out. Coffee was consumed. There was a bushbaby that peed on everyone but Rita. (yes, this includes me too). There was good food that we ate. There was a heated bed. There was an outdoor shower. There was the mountain and the baby giraffe, twice, was seen.

I can't process all the little ways my heart is thinking and feeling now. I just feel good being finished. It's finished. My part is finished, well, my main part is finished. Small edits, revisions. The book writing process is hard and complicated and slave-master editors (love you, tommy!) make you meet these deadlines. Do not editors realize that creative minds don't like deadlines?!?! 

I have missed catching up with heart-friends and I have lacked sleep. 

Now I go and clean out my old place and prepare lesson plans for the coming week. 

Bye bye weekend. Perhaps next weekend I'll see your rest days.

Weekly roundup vol. 7

I am spending the weekend on the top of my farm. I say the top because its on the mountain. I live below the mountain. I will be spending my Saturday brainstorming and writing and creating with like-minded people. Strangers. At least, I'm expecting it to be stranger-filled. I like strangers.

My aunt Lori sent me an email congratulating me on acquiring my very first parasite. Considering this is the 22nd country I've lived/ministered in, I'm surprised it took so long. Since its out of my system now, I threw a little jig and ate cookies.

Enjoy your saturday, friends, and here are somethings that moved me this past week:

I like when bad guys go to jail. I just wish it was longer....

This is so sad. Reminds me of The Kite Runner.

Why is no one talking about the horrible TN flooding?!?

This is so sad. I haven't gone for a walk on the farm since hearing about this last Saturday when it occurred. Hannes, who is quoted in the magazine is a friend of mine from church. She was pregnant too. Life is just so short, love, just love richly.

Things you can't do when you're not a dog. So true!!! SO funny!!!

I really want to throw a picnic and have these as my show-stoppers!

The end. Just reading it makes me cry.

I Will Carry You. Free. Get it.