how are your muscles?

 Back in August I was given a book and told I needed to read it. It wasn't super exciting so I've only read it in little piece mail here and there all spring. I don't like doing that too books. It isn't fair to them that I am not gripped by what the author is trying to say, and it doesn't really let the book "grip" me by reading a little here a little there. O well...

Its probably not right (or normal!) to also be in the middle of a lot of books. Currently I am down to 5 which is fairly good for me. I finished two last week. I just can't finish one book and then start another, I have to have multiple going on at a time. I've always been like that.

But anyway, I am trying to finish this book before I go home and since no one is around the farm anymore I have more free time. Its been quite glorious actually. I just sit and read most of each day. I LOVE it.

Daring to live on the Edge is the name of the book and I'm liking it a bit more. I liked this recent chapter at least. The author is talking about faith and trusting God with our lives and our money.

My favorite line is the one I italicized. wow.

"...have you ever thought about the process God designed for us to go through as infants? Woldn't it have been easier without gravitiy? Toddlers could leap and float about instead of struggling to stand. But that struggle is necessary to help develop our growing muscles.
Similarly, if we never have needs in our lives, if we can do everything without God's help, how can we learn to trust Him? The disciples in Luke 17:5 cried, 'Increase our faith.' They had seen Jesus do so many miracles. Surely He could instantly impart faith to them. But they had to go through the same process we do. Like life breathed into us, faith is a gift from God. But for our faith to increase it must be used and tested."

I'm thinking my faith muscles have not been stretched a lot recently. I hear all the time how brave it is to move across the oceans and uproot everything that once was...but its not to me. It's never been hard or brave to do things like this for me. In fact, in some ways, its easy. I've been really trying to let go and step out in faith believing He will meet me in those places. My faith has been crippled, and like any muscle it is painful trying to re-learn and rehab what once was. But I don't even want what I once had. I want something stronger that will last longer.

When I had my knee surgery it was a pain the butt. Or...pain in the knee cap and hamstring. hahaha
It was awful. I remember waking up in the middle of the night from pain and not being able to take more medicine. I remember on the third day my dad taking AWAY my crutches because I needed to "just do it" and begin using that leg and those muscles again. I was not a happy girl in those moments. Its one of those things that in hindsight I'm glad I had a dad that forced me to do that, but in the moment I wanted to think up strange and unusual forms of torture to inflict on my dad instantly.

But anyway, learning to bend my leg was the worst and the hardest. It was agonizing. Just thinking about that makes my leg and knee almost begin to hurt again now; 7 years later! I never thought I'd be able to stand on that leg and bend it. Surely it would never bend as much it used to.

But I persevered. My parents made me persevere. I had three weeks to rehab it and regroup till I was leaving for three months for west africa. I had three weeks to get it to a point that I was capable of using it. I had no choice but to work tirelessly on getting my leg back in shape. By the time of my surgery my leg had atrophied so bad from lack of use that I not only had regular surgery to recover from but muscle mass that needed to be built back up. It was a broken process.

I did it though. I recovered. I gained full movement back in my leg. I still favor it a bit (I probably always will. You're just always aware of your past scars aren't you?!?!) but it works great.

I worked very hard to train those muscles to get their act in gear and work again. And the stretching....oooo the stretching was so painful. It was in little centimeters that I gained movement some days. Continuous use and practice is what allowed me to finally bend my leg the way I can now. In fact, compared to most people with similar injuries and surgery I have more movement then any of them. I think that is because I worked my butt off to get back to where I was prior to being hurt. That and I think the Lord was merciful. 

I need to start really working out my faith. I used to score highest in "faith" in every spiritual gift test ya know. I think I'd still score very high (since when did we start neglecting the Christian faith to tests and formats and systems?!?! but thats another post....) but not as high as I used to. I haven't really done anything that makes me stretch out in faith that I'll fail miserably if He doesn't show up. Well, doing the coffeehouse in July was a big thing for me...but thats been about the biggest thing in a long while.

all that to say I better start exercising my faith more or its gonna get weak and fail me.
and that would suck my friends....that would suck big time....

ps: just finished my Christmas card and I feel like SUCH a grownup!!! its my first time EVER making a Christmas card and I'm so proud of myself! wanna see it?!?! You'll have to wait till its arrived where it should (ie. your home) but to tide you over, here is a photo I saw this week on the www and it makes me happy! isn't it adorable?!?! isn't this little girl adorable?!?! ahhhhh i can't wait to be back home in cold PA weather and break out my tights! Oooooooo yesssssssss

kisses bring the joy, my friends

yesterday was a good day.

the boys and i drew on the cement walkway.

they practiced writing letters.

they can do a very good

"P" "D" and "B"

their other letters struggle...but i'm impressed none-the-less

*smile*

then we used a gift "tannie Leah" gave us and we drew on all the windows of my house.

leah, they were in their GLORY! thank you!!!

what a great gift for them! *HUGE GRIN!*

we had a little dance party in the afternoon.

i put on some christmas tunes and started singing to them.

they all started laughing (not sure if i sounded that bad or was that funny).

*grin*

i got them to dance with me too.

we pranced around the room singing and dancing and laughing.

it was delightful and wondrous in all the ways

the Christmas season should be...

then we went back outside. it was one of the few sunny days this week. the rain has been

mighty. i LOVE our rain.

rain here is lovely and cools it down.

i love the rain at home too.

in fact, one night this week (i think tuesday,) i even went outside

for a midnight stroll and there might even have been

midnight moon filled rain soaked dancing too.

just maybe.

some more photos from yesterday...

 

can i tell you how joyful their little kisses are. they boys are starting to become

so affectionate. they have always loved sitting in my lap or hugging me.

literally fighting over who gets which leg for movie times.

but lately, they have begun to give me kisses when they are proud of themselves.

they will run up and grab my face and lightly kiss my cheeks.

they love it.

i love it.

everyone loves it.

i think little boy kisses could heal the world.

certainly they bring more joy to this heart.

anxiety and a happy birthday

Happiest of Birthdays to my dear, Marcia!

if i could, i'd hug you like this. the kind of hug that lasts for a good few minutes...that induces (or soothes) tears, the kind that makes us pull apart to gaze into each others eyes and cause giggles to erupt because we're silly and emotional and we know that and don't care... yes, yes, i'd give you that sort of hug today.

Celebrating you here in Africa today!!

................................................................................................................

in other news...i heard probably the best sermon i have ever listened to (EVER!) yesterday.

i (like millions of other Americans) have become encouraged by Matt Chandler and his church in the past two weeks. i seriously can't even remember how many friends of mine have had him as their fb status update to pray, or who have tweeted about him, or how many blogs i follow that have been dedicated to him. Matt is the head teaching pastor at The Village Church in Texas, 35, husband and father of (2, or 3...can't remember just now) kids and woke up Thanksgiving morning to a seizure. THis lead doctors to find a cancerous tumor in his brain....His story i believe is being used by God so much to bring hope and reality to what a relationship with Jesus looks like as opposed to "the christian religion," of which, i'm sure i'm not the only one that is disenfranchised and fed up...

well, all of this led me to check him and his church out. and i could not be more blessed and encouraged. i love listening to sermon podcasts. its like free church. free food. its wonderful. if i listed all the "churches" i subscribe to, you'd think i'm a junky *smiles*.

well, i'm listening to his churches podcasts and i stumbled upon one titled:

"The Age of Anxiety"

very daunting, isn't it? i haven't fully blogged about my own anxiety. i want to. i think its necessary to share what you know and have lived. isn't that why we go through things? to help others through them? another time i will, but to sum it up: i'm a high A perfectionist (in certain areas of my life) so i think i always had little moments of anxious stress. however, my real journey of anxiety began towards the end of my marriage. i was having multiple panic attacks every day. the worst was driving home after work. sometimes (most times) i cried the whole way home and had to pull over because my heart was racing knowing i was almost home and not sure what would await me there. its terrible to live in near constant fear. i started going to counseling and was prescribed medicine to help me not lose it (literally, i was so close to that). linda, my counselor, saved my life. i don't even feel bad saying that because i know Jesus gave her to me to help me process having a husband betray every vow he made. i know that Jesus used her to be Him to me.

this is already becoming longer than i want! hahahahahah! *smiles*

raise your hand if you're surprised?!

i was on medicine to help me process things and not kill myself for 19 months. yes, i was that low on and off (but thats also another post...). i really need to describe my opinion of depression, anxiety and medicine another time too. i want to tell you about this sermon today.

its wrecked me...

please do yourself a favor and go download the sermon from Itunes. its long, over 40 minutes..

but WORTH it.

go to podcasts. type in "The Village Church" and search for "the age of anxiety" then click "get." its free and takes about 5 minutes or less to download it.

some highlights for me:

• were the statistics on anxiety in the US. i know i have contributed to the statistics but it still is shocking.
• how he showed me anxiety is idolatry using Matthew 6. (can you say, ouch?!)
• anxiety is sin (can you say, ouch, again?!?). let me say it again, anxiety is SIN.
• anxiety stems from us on some level not really believing that God cares for us. we might functionally believe in him, but it doesn't change the way we live so we don't really believe it. (ouch again!)
  
• anxiety exposes our lack of faith in God, in Jesus.

Then he shows us ways we can begin to repent from anxiety and live in peace. In this part i enjoyed:

• how he encouraged us that only by memorizing and meditating on the Truth of God will our anxiety fade. what he has promised me. 
• admit our anxiety and believe that worry is sin and ask Him for help. 
• ask the Holy Spirit to reveal what specific things are causing our idolatry (anxiety).
• you can't do it alone. in this text in Matthew,  Jesus was talking to a group of people, a group of people living in community, you will need others to help encourage you and exhort you to so much more.
• his diatribe on medicine. why? because it did convict me, but he also didn't negate medicine compeltely. 

i find that pastors/Christians either load up like crazy on medicine, or they think you are not a real christian if you go on it. i found the balance and the way he talked about it to be so closely associated with my own.

i summarized things here because i truly (sadly) doubt any of you reading this will go and download the podcast to listen for yourself. i really wish you would. it seriously is a brilliant exposition of scripture on a topic that is ravaging the US (and the world).

i found it practical and deep.
he closed with one of the psalms giving a "case study" of what it looks like to be anxious and repent and overcome that.
please, please go listen to it. you'll thank me. your children (now or future) will thank me, your legacy will thank me.

aDORable

the cutest thing EVER happened literally 5 minutes ago.
you have to understand my boys. they are YOGURT obsessed.
i mean obsessed.
they ask for it before any other thing.
including sweets or cola.
it blows my mind; but its true.

we've been out of yogurt for a few days.
i just haven't been able to get into town to get some for
them. they have been SO SAD.
kid you not.

well today, i asked Roelene when she was in town to get some food
for the school.
yogurt, of course, was on the list.

well, the bags came to our door and the boys (as always)
were excited to help me put things away.
then they saw the yogurt.
let me detail how the three i had at the moment reacted:

perfect's reaction:
jumping up and down while alternating
clapping his hands and waving them in the air shouting: "Hallelujah!"

calvin:
almost frozen in glee. "bekah, yogurt. yogurt bekah. yogurt."

jimmy:
biggest smile EVER as he jumped up and down
"please bekah...now, please bekah..."

ok, is that not the most adorable thing ever?!?!
i wish you could all have expereinced their silly happy faces as i asked them to
sit and then proceeded to give them each a container and spoon to eat.
it was adorable.
SO much joy.

oooo they are little bundles of goodness to my heart.

because everything is always better with a photo. my dad took this a month ago to the day when he was here visiting. i love it because its almost all my boys and me in a shot. also, matthew just threw up (again. but that was the last time! i think we've outgrown it!!) on me and himself so he is shirtless. and its story time so we are sitting in a circle. i love reading stories to them. let me tell ya, these boys will LOVE to read by the time i'm through with them
*HUGE smile*

home?

sometimes i crack myself up, like writing things done in my 
plethora of notebooks and journals. 
seriously, i'm a mess.
i mean, my "organized" self can surface in moments, like with school and what not
but otherwise its like a tornado in my mind and daily living.
think i'm joking, friends entered my home last week and exclaimed: 
"wow, i didn't think SA had tornado's!"
for the record, boys, i left in a rush, on a friday and hadn't been home all weekend. 
give a girl a break. 
*smiles*

i write things in one notebook and can't remember what i ever did with it.
i write on anything. i write when inspired and deal with collecting later on...

so, i thought i wrote about all this before, but i'm thinking and realzing i didn't.
obviously i wrote it about 2 weeks ago. so....be gracious and laugh at the dates. 

 .............................
the fact is i'll be leaving for home in a month.
exactly a month.
*(less then a month ...i started this post earlier in the week)
and in exactly a month and one day i will be
home.

but even writing that
makes me confused and lonesome.
not necessarily lonely. just,
lonesome.
there is a difference.

i wasn't very excited till my dad came.
in fact, in some ways, i didn't wish to go home at all.
it makes it that much harder to leave again...
but
suddenly seeing him and
being reminded of the billions of
gestures, words, phrases,
colloquialisms,
inherent in my very DNA
the thought of home
produced
a longing
unmatched and not satisfied till my
feet touch the soil of
320 school
and my families smiley silly faces
dance across my eyesight.

but it isn't really home anymore.
i mean, it'll always be home.
but its not my home.

i'm a gypsy that dances across the world
putting down roots wherever my feet touch the ground.

and right now,
home is a small little lapa just south of
mokopane, south africa.

and home is 6 little boys that race to school each morning
excited to see my face and jump into my arms.

and home is a 15 year old keyboard that doesn't hold all the
octaves it should, nor does it encompass a pedal,
but its keys hold hours of my heart being spilled out.

home is where my collection of necklaces from both grandmas, a great grandma,
friends and random stores hang above my bed
causing smiles and sighs of joy whenever i see them.

the reality that the home i grew up in
is now just a place i will visit is a
true and sad reality.

the fact that i will be home in less than 3 *{make that 2!} weeks is freakish
to this sentimental heart.
a visit at Christmas.
a short visit with those most dear and beloved in my life.
too short.

** but it will do. it'll have to do.

i live somewhere else now.
this fact has been slowly making itself known
the past month in large and small ways.
the honeymoon phase in the relationship between SA and
myself, has
come and gone and the 23 years of living
life one way in America is finding it hard to
do things new here in SA.

i live here now.
i live here.
i have a few small possessions in my parents basement sure,
but that is it.
i live here now.

thats all a little weird and hard to wrap my mind around.

in roughly 14 days i'll be sitting in my parents living room watching glorious snow fall (it sure better, i've been praying to that end since Oct!) from the sky.
i'll be able to hold my little namesake niece, my joy inducing other niece, and laugh with all my sisters in person. i'll see my brothers and have them hold me and toss me on their shoulders.
okay, totally just made that up, they've never once tossed me. but it sounded nice, didn't it?!?!
no need to skype with each other. we'll really be
together.

in two weeks i'll be home.
home for two weeks.
home to the place that used to be the best place on earth.
i think it'll still fill my heart with contentment and that feeling.
but i think its gonna be harder than i think.

harder because my feet don't belong on that soil anymore.
i moved here.
i am starting a life here. i have started a life here.
so it'll be a visit to the place that i once lived at. where i once lived.
weird.
just weird.

...all that to say though,
holy crap i am SO STINKIN EXCITED!!!!!!!

*{note: i already edited from one "journal" to my primary journal before the edit to here! hilarious!}
**all recently written. ie. last night, dec. 5th

value and worth

i wrote this back on my sisters birthday. i feel like its an
"abi poem" because its more rhymey like her's always are and mine so rarely
seem to be.
i guess because i was missing her and missing her birthday i was
channeling some abi creativity.

but i hadn't wanted to share this. i still don't really. but since i'm trying to be more honest...
*grins*

(it also is not finished and needs help. so judge nicely *smiles*)

my value and worth is not determined
by the size of my thighs
or the color in my eyes

my value lies in the knowledge that I am the pinnacle of all creation.
that i am the cherished one of the creator.
that there is a lover who sees me and loves what he sees

my value and worth is not determined
by the degrees on my wall
or the way my waist is or isn’t small.

my beauty is in each tender touch i extend
in every inviting smile to a stranger feeling alone
it lies in the way my eyes dance and shine after getting
my hands dirty helping someone else.

my value and worth is not determined
by the boys who say i’m pretty
and find everything i say to be so silly.

my beauty is the overflow of grace and
the contentment that today mercy is new for me,
mercy is new in me to dance and breath and be.

my beauty is in each hug offered
in every prayer uttered and
in each giggle that escapes my mouth.

my beauty is in the way He shines in my eyes.
not the amount of make-up on my face
or the latest fashions adorning my body.

no matter how i do or do not feel
every curve has been hand stamped unique and lovely and
good.
and i look so good to Him.

my beauty lies in the passion i have for the enslaved,
my sparkle comes from fighting for the voiceless
and seeking justice for every heart.
my beauty was bestowed long ago and
its value will not cease.
not now, not ever...

............................
"oooooo please, sweet Jesus, let there be snow on the ground and falling from the sky in 2 weeks. 
that is probably one of my only Christmas wishes. amen."

i said it was coming....eating manna all day

i used to wonder if i was hearing the Lord speak to me or
if it was random voices in my head.

i think it all was confounded by the fact that
my personality is one of those that before
any serious, funny or out of the ordinary conversation
takes place in real life, i make sure it plays out in my head.
i play myself and the other people.
i do this so that no matter how the conversation
plays out, i’ve already anticipated it and know how to respond.

i’ve never been good at thinking on my feet; thinking on the fly. and i’d prefer to go crazy running
scenarios over and over in my head then be surprised by something and not know what to say.

of course, this isn’t the silliest thing i do (well, maybe).
this “tactic” of mine does not work at all.

i’m far to analytic for my own good.
every conversation can’t be anticipated and some of my favorites
have not been. they have been when something triggers something in me and stirs
my heart and i am comfortable enough to flow. yes, those are the best conversations.

i ought to stop the whole “plan it out” nature in me.
i’m working on it.

but anyway, that was a major digressing.
(digressing is another wonderful habit of mind)

the point is sometimes i wonder if i am imagining the Lord’s voice or if it is really him.

i’ve spent a considerable part of this year relearning his voice.
its tone, its whispers and shouting.
and the more i hear it the louder it becomes.

i’ve had many little internal battles this fall.
one of the bigger ones has been slowly escalating
till about two weeks ago. at which point i finally sat.

and waited.

waited some more.

and waited a bit longer.

still more waiting.

and more waiting.

i felt like EVERY reader of new moon when pages flip and all you see is a new date. everything else is blank.
yes, that is how long i felt i waited.

finally, small little things began to surface
revealing their simple but withering effects on me.
it was obvious daily choices i was (and still usually am) making
are creating instead of a peaceful spirit one that that is restless and pained.

but i wasn’t sure that it was really the
Lord that showed me all this or if i was just “hearing” things.

so i tried to become more aware of my emotions and what triggers them,
but that was it.

then last night (ergo, i “wrote” this last week. so a few nights ago now) i had a long conversation
with a friend. and if i needed confirmation i received a
outstanding endorsement in the form of a polite calling of my bluff.

see, i’m far to introspective for my own good.
dwelling in melancholy states of mind
when there really is no need.
i think i’ve focused much of the past 3 months or so on
how far i have yet to go to feel like i’m fully healed and “ok” with
everything involved in the jordan fiasco.
i say fiasco because it makes light of the whole situation
and isn’t that what i need more of?

(note: that there is not anything lighthearted about divorce, abandonment,
abuse, addictions or the like. believe me, i know that.
the whole point of this post, which you’ll see, is that i need to relax and
live more. laugh more. but i’m rushing ahead).

side note: my mind is like a 5 year old with ADD. i can barely finish one story
before something in that story triggers another story and before
i realize it i have started and completed 9 different stories
by the time i get back to the original one and finish it.
scary but true.
is it possible to have story ADD? if so, i have it! *grins*

anyway, that was just a perfect taste of how one thing leads to the
next thing and ba ba boom.... ta da!
like it or love it that is how i think and work.
in a constant influx of stories and digressings.

but what i’ve realized in slow and quiet moments this spring is that
i am dwelling in my wilderness.
holding tight to it like its the only hand reaching down for me
as i tangle off the edge of a cliff.
its my lifeline. its what i know. you live in fear, in shame, in desert places long enough
and sometimes the comfort of that and knowledge of that
immobilizes you to do anything else.

yes, it is an excuse.
yes, it is true (except for the weird 5% of people who bounce out of everything
and somehow have this near God-like ability to live and be.
i am not one of those people).

its very hard to let go of what you know and jump into something different and new.
even if that something new and different was something you were before.
and something you want desperately with each breath you breathe.
without trying to i became a creature with the extreme ability to function and grow
but cling securely and tightly to what was.
(serious now, who tries to be semi-depressed all the time? it is never a conscious thought unless you
are a creep and a weirdo. in which case i say, enjoy your weirdness, you freak! *grin*)

i grew.
oooooo o yes i have grown since arriving here.
the progression in my journals and my heart is very encouraging.
but its stilted.
and a standstill occurred by my own doing.

i feel like the Israelites.
probably doesn't help that i’ve been living in those stories and books of the bible recently.
but to my defense i’ve been reading them so much because i want to remember the faithfulness of God
to me, to them, and learn my lessons so as to maybe escape a few years early?!

i seriously think i dream about plagues
and manna for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
but i feel like them, like i’m one of them so much.
just as they were afraid to keep moving forward and longed for egypt, so i
in my own little way have been afraid to really leave everything
for my promised land.

part of it is fear.
part of it is laziness.
part of it is....well, actually, all my other reasons boil into one of those two categories.

but i’m sick of it.
i know just be saying all this and thinking it that won’t automatically
move me forward.
in fact, the closer the Israelites got to the promised land the more battles they had to fight.
but i say: bring it.
because i’m bringing my arsenal of weapons too.
and the more i fight and win the stronger i become.
and i've already been promised the win. i just need to claim it.
can i get an "amen?!!" AMEN!

my weak spirit isn’t very weak. i feel weak, but i have incredible mental, emotional
and as i learned in my surgery last year, physical strength. i take after my mom, i guess. that women is
as tough as they come.
i feel like thomas the train: “i think i can, i think i can, i think i can...”
except i say: “i’m able. i’m strong enough. He in me is strong enough. i can do it...”

but i do so many things because of being insecure and afraid that i perpetuate those feelings inside me
instead of facing what scares me, i run away.
literally.
as was pointed out to me, i literally leave every party i've been at since i've been here for a few moments to think, pray, and gather myself together.
the pain and weirdness and process of being with people that aren’t
strangers, but are by no means my dear friends is overwhelming; so i’d just leave and go sit
in a room quietly for 30 minutes to an hour!
how pathetic is that.
how ridiculous to think that i needed that. i mean, i do believe fully in going to secret quiet places
to refresh, but it was really just me being afraid and retreating to what was comfortable.
it is always comfortable to just sit and cry and pray and think with my sweet Jesus.
oooo Lord, may that never change.
but those actions didn’t help me. sure sitting with the creator of this universe is always a good thing,
but what i really needed was to force myself to learn how to interact and live again.

also,
my favorite music is folk music. of which, there is none better than:
jj (seriously, i can't endorse her enough!), or patty, or ray, or rosie, or sufjan, or iron and wine, or kendall...
and no, i don't think its weird i'm on a first name basis with them. thats how i roll!
but if i don’t watch it...my love for them will plunge me into other similar artists and
soon all i’ve listened to is “that” type of music all day long.
there is nothing wrong with music like that. but it sets my mood for quiet melancholiness.
(totally just realized “holiness” is in the last part of melancholiness. maybe being melancholy isn’t so bad after all!?!?!?!?! *grins*).

but really, i LOVE being quiet and having folk music play as i go throughout my day, but it makes me quiet and somber. and i have enough of that on my own most days to not need to memoralize it in music form.

i felt a bit ago that i should listen to more worship music. i love worship music. i just
struggle to listen to it. always have...and i think i always will.
i could sit and play songs myself; that is real to me, that isn’t fabricated or what not. but listening
to other people worship seems so cheap and i constantly question the motives of the artist.
totally not my place to do that, but whatever, i do it and i doubt i’ll stop soon. i basically put a ban
on all things “worship” related like 3 yeas ago (or whenever it was now, i forget...) when it was the thing to do in the Christian music scene to come out with your own worship cd.
uhhhh, really?!??!

so finding good worship music i like is hard. personally, i consider lots of stuff "worship," stuff like jj,
is worship to me. it is. and she is. but i know that i need something more consistent.
i borrowed and burned some hillsong cds from a friend.
i listen to that or shane and shane to start my day now.
no joke.
my morning consists of being scared by my phone. turning my phone off. slipping into my robe. turning on the the shower, turning on the hot water for tea or coffee (depending on my mood, maybe even milo!), putting on worship music, going back to the shower, showering
(do i need to describe how i shower? this fascinates some people.
for instance, do you clean your legs first? or your arms? face? belly? for me i like to start at the top
and work my way down. its like cleaning...why clean the floors before you clean the walls and counter tops? the floor would just be dirty again... is that too much information?), drying off, slipping back into my robe, pouring my beverage of choice, and finally, sipping as i get dressed.
it is nice. it starts me out well.
but it isn’t enough.

i don’t think i can put away my music completely but i probably should perhaps.
maybe i need a total purging to be healthy again?

what was the original point of all this?
i guess what i’m trying to say is i had all these thoughts about music and leaving on my own,
but not enough gumption to do anything about it till someone in a polite but stringent way called me out.
and this is like the 4th time this spring this has happened.
He has used others to confirm what He already told me because i played the Thomas
(doubter that we both are).
also, its about trying to let go and jump.
i need to be not so melancholy anymore.
i mean, i am not, nor ever will be this bubbly bubble. but
i’m not usually so introspective and quiet and what not.

its gotta go....its gotta go friends.
so, i guess this isn’t a massive secret. but its me being a wondering Israelite
in my wilderness and learning a lesson that
maybe, hopefully, will be my last.
i'm ready for my honeycombs and milk...