Its a world of the rejected, the deserted, the abandoned, the divorced.
Of course I joined that group awhile ago, but it was begrudgingly. I tried to stay on the fringe. I tried to be all there with my D-friends at our meetings, in our email exchanges, and late black night phone calls, but deny them when I was away from them. I so loathed being part of them.
Such shame I have in what's become of my life... by choices I really had no control over and had no part in.
But I think something freeing clicked in my heart about six months ago. I began to not only enjoy the new friendships I have formed. I relished the way they understood. Some would say they understand, some compare hard break-ups, but you simply can't understand the betrayal, devastation, and hurt of a vow being shattered and a promise broken unless you've seen a spouse walk away personally. You just can't. And be glad you can't. I have lots of good friends and support I never intended to have in my life, and I love them all so but I still wish to not know them. But how sweeter they have made my life, my journey.
Then He began to bring morning dew to water my parched heart. And life-words always spread like wildfire.
The Breath of Life breathes even when all seems dead and lost and He has gone before me and whispered help pleas into my path from others who've, against their wishes too, joined my secret D-club.
Somehow advice and help and encouragement have been springing up like streams in the desert and I watch, and awe-stare in Him using wee bits of me to bless others. I eagerly wait returned emails hearing how My Sweet Jesus also moves in their lives and speaks desire and belonging and hope where others have sown seeds of death. My dear Jesus is in the business of replacing every broken curse with life-giving love. Love that is not held back from anything, or by anything.
A dear friend of mine who understands and always pushes me into love stained hands said how even in utter desperation, where is there to go but Jesus? For He only has the words of Eternal Life.
Peter actually said it first.
The point is, yes! Where is there to go but Him? No matter how lost and hurting life is, its always so much worse without him. I love what John says about all this too; you may read it here. There is nowhere. There is nowhere that is better than being under His Rod and His Staff and hearing the voice of your Good Shepherd call out your name.
Because I write when I'm not intending. When I have no proper form of dictation in front of me, and when He stirs something....a surprise visit to two separate churches this week with silent filled rooms holding beloved pianos found me sitting and hammering out a love song. One that is for my beloved group of abandoned ones as much as it is for me.
When I said, "take my heart," I mean it. I guess you knew it.
I said, "take my life, make it what you want it."
but I didn't know then what I know now,
this has not been for the fainthearted.
When I said "I trust you," then you sent the darkness.
I said, "I'd follow you," and then your voice became the distance.
I never thought it would be like this,
that my faith would falter at the brink.
Where would I go?
Where would I go?
Only you have the words of life.
Only you have the words of life.
Where would I go?
When I said "I'd go," I never thought you'd put me here.
Said "I love you," and I do and now it brings sweet tears.
You have always been right here with me with
every single thought and every single prayer.
Where would I go?
Where would I go?
Only you have the words of life.
Only you have the words of life.
Where would I go?
You said you'd bandage me, bind up every wound.
Said you'd comfort me and fight off all my fools.
Weary, I had tried and tried to run away,
but my heart is set its here to stay.
.............................................
When there is nothing else to do, and no hope left, and the floor has given way to pain upon pain, He's right there. He's the one with eternal life. May you run to him, go to Him today. I'll be sitting there with you on His tender lap as He washes us in His healing-love words.
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